Monthly Archives: June 2012

Spectating an (Unnecessary) Eventual Divorce on Facebook

Ever since I tried to broker a peace accord between two married friends of mine a few years ago, I have vowed to do one thing: To never get personally involved in anyone’s marriage ever again, even when solicited or invited. NEVER.

I however never said that I would never indulge in public commentary – or mockery  – in the event of another couple’s marital discord.

Yes MOM Squad, it’s time for another rant about marriage. For some reason, people just don’t seem to want to get it right…or get the basics right, at the very least. There is a reason the term “sanctity of marriage” was coined. Despite what most of our population may think, the culmination of ‘marriage’ is not whether you serve beef or fish cutlets on a sunny spring day at the Radisson, or whether one hires a DJ or a live band to entertain ones guest on said day. Marriage is a sacred vow that two people take, promising GOD, before mankind, to be faithful to each other until death parts them. It is for that reason that ‘marriage’ is not for everyone; douche bags, asshats and children being chief among these. These days most of the population has been engineered to be more suited toward civil unions, which are more contractual at their core and can be broken/dissolved with a few hundred dollars at the cash register at a municipal court near you.

Some people think that because they share children or interests, that these are good enough reasons to get married. Nothing could be further from the truth. Children grow up and move out, and interests fade or change with time. You need to find better, more concrete reasons to jump the broom and bind yourself spiritually to someone – or seek out that civil union I mentioned earlier.

And dare I say it? Yes, I dare. Even some Christians should not marry. There is many a Christian who does not understand the implications and consequences of entering a marriage without proper education. Contrary to widespread belief, there IS a manual on how to achieve the perfect marriage. There are several in fact. From the Bible to Dr. Phil, there are guiding texts…just pick your flavor. Nowhere in any of these texts will you see the following, I assure you.

Are you seated? Good. Because I am here to put my two of friends on blast for their public display of foolishness and tomfoolery.

****

Though I was friends with her first, I consider both *Chris and Christina to be friends of mine. They are a 20-something year old couple who got married about 2 or 3 years ago in a hurried (but very charming) ceremony. I still don’t know what the rush was, and I never asked. I know the bride wasn’t pregnant and he wasn’t an immigrant needing papers. The frantic timing didn’t make sense to me, but it did to them. Young love, I suppose. What I DO know is that the wedding cake was absolutely scrumptious: lemon frosting and a creamy center. Perhaps the hopeful mood I was in made the half cup of punch I was given so delightful as well.

My eyes misted over as her father officiated the ceremony and they recited their vows. They literally looked picture perfect.

In the coming months, they lived out their married life on social media, like most people in this digital age do. Pictures of him gleefully lifting and spinning her in the air would pop up very often, and she would post quotes about love, life and happiness on her wall. Suddenly, that all began to change.

Instead of lyrics concerning all things amorous, quotes about ‘the hard knock life’ took over. No longer were there profile pictures of the two of them grinning foolishly into the camera. Cartoon characters and fists raised in the air replaced those. (That’s nothing unusual, I suppose. For 2 months my profile picture was of two hard turds one of the kids had left on my shower floor. And no, I’m not ashamed to admit that.) From what I found out, work was keeping them apart, and they were reduced to passing each other in the day as one was leaving for work and the other was coming in.

I took a Facebook hiatus for about 4 months, and when I got back, I started seeing weird statuses from his end. There are many things that piss me off, and one of those things in when amateurs make attempts at waxing philosophical and have no business doing so…ever.

“Sometimes you dream a dream a dream and think it’s come true, only to discover that true dreams don’t come true.”

What the hell?

“You said you loved me – but the love you said you had was just a reflection of my love for you. It never resided in you to begin with.”

You have got to be kidding me.

“Sometimes people are like broken glass: it’s better to sweep them away than to cut yourself trying to put them back together.”

Okay, now that’s just below the belt.

On her end of the spectrum, the world is falling apart:

“I guess I can’t do anything right!”
“Please Jesus, send me a friend!”
“The world is dark…so very dark right now.”

The final straw was when he changed his relationship status from ‘married’ to ‘single’. This made me want to find him, slap him and shake some sense into him. Just because things aren’t going your way in your house doesn’t make you ‘single’ bruh. It just DON’T.

Now let me admit to something from my own marriage experience. Have I wanted to leave my husband at one point? Absolutely. I felt like he was a hindrance to my ambitions. He insisted that we go see one of our pastors, and she flat out told me “NO”…I could not leave my husband and take 1 or 2 of the kids with me, even for a break. I looked at her like she had two heads. How dare she! But I followed her command (because it wasn’t really advice) and we worked it out. Guess how we did that? By talking…not by putting our mess out there on Facebook!

Why am I so passionate about someone else’s marriage you ask? Because I wrote those two Niggroes a check. I financially invested in the two of them. I sat in the congregation and prayed with and over them. I took my part as a witness to their marriage seriously, and I expect these two dumbasses to take their part in their marriage vows seriously as well.

You think I sound mad now? Oh, I went on an all out campaign on Facebook! You should have seen it. It was glorious.

Lookit, you two. There are only three reasons why divorce is ever an option, if you are a Christian. All this new age “he/she doesn’t make me happy” doesn’t apply. I’m pretty sure everything you do doesn’t make Christ happy, but He still shed His blood for you so your retarded behinds could enter into paradise.

If she/he isn’t:

1)    Beating on you
2)    Cheating on you
3)    Using your money to beat and cheat on you…
…then you can work it out. Seriously.

Now stop posting ridiculous statuses, quotes, Instagrams and posters on Facebook and talk to your spouse. The rest of you enjoy your day.

/rant over.

Hats Off to YOU, Creflo Dollar!

…or should I say “shoe off”?

Whatever the case may be – Parents! I want you to reach down to your right foot and take off  your Stacey Adams, your Kelly & Katies, your China made chaley wote and raise it in the air in solidarity with me. Look at your child(ren) and say the following:

Yes chile… if you keeping popping off at the  mouth, I will pop your mouth off!

The news here in Atlanta is all abuzz because Creflo Dollar, pastor of World Changers Church International was arrested for domestic assault/abuse. The ‘victim’ was his 15 year old daughter who wanted to go to a party.

Let’s just stop right there, because if you have kids, ever watched a kid, or BEEN a kid yourself, you already know what happened.
First, please let me share with you my personal feelings about Creflo Dollar before I move forward with my feelings concerning these turns of events.  I was “introduced” to Creflo when I first moved to Atlanta 12 years ago by a would-be colleague.

“You never heard of Creflo Dollar?” she asked incredulously. “Well, I used to go to his church, but I just felt like it was too much hypocrisy in there.”

“How so?” I asked, intrigue permeating my every thought.

“Humph,” she grumbled. “Well, you have people rolling up into his church with Bentleys and Benzos, and then you got other folk in there who can’t even pay their light bill! I just feel like it’s too much hypocrisy.”

She looked at me expectedly. Was this my cue to nod? Because I didn’t. If you can’t pay your light bill, then buy some candles. I grew up underprivileged, and there is nothing I have today that I haven’t worked for or wasn’t given to me as a direct bonus of some work I have done previously. So yeah…but, NO. The woman’s other gripe was that Creflo himself was quite wealthy.

“I just don’t think it’s right for a pastor to have that much money!” she wailed.

What? Does the Bible say that? Short answer: no. The Bible says that it is “difficult for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven”, but nowhere does it say that a godly man cannot be rich…or that heaven excludes the rich by virtue of their income status. Stingy people come in all economic brackets, from dirt poor to stinking rich. It is the heart of a man that gets or keeps him out of heaven, not his money. Having more money just amplifies the stinginess that is in one’s heart. I know beggars who won’t share a space on their mat with less fortunate beggars because they are just wicked people. Creflo Dollar, in comparison, has given millions of dollars away in charity and set up education and job creation vehicles for the disenfranchised through his ministry. So all the idiots who dislike him for being wealthy can continue to dislike him. I haven’t heard one YET confess that they would give money away to people that they don’t know outside of their immediate circle.

So do I like Creflo Dollar? Yes I do. He preaches the Bible and does not harm others…until last night. And with that, we head back to our story, which you can read here.

Now, I have conferred with the Panther Mom Network, and we have determined EXACTLY what happened that fateful evening.  We’re going into M.O.M Mode Folks!

*****

It was an otherwise quiet Thursday evening, but a spirit of disquiet had been rumbling throughout the house. Quarter Dollar, Creflo and Taffi’s youngest had been yipping at the heels of the family and being spiteful all day. Weary from dealing with the child, Taffi retired to her 1200 square foot bedroom suite. (I know it is a suite, because I clean rich people’s houses now, remember?)

“Honey, I have to get away from this child, because if I don’t, I swear ‘fore the Lord I’m going to snatch her!” she said menacingly between thin lips.

“It’s okay babe,” replied Creflo, “I got this.”

Taffi saunters off and Creflo turns to his daughter.

“Look Quarter, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you are stressing your mother out,” he scolds. “You know we have so much going on! We’ll planning a mission trip for the next disaster coming this summer…because you KNOW God is displeased so there IS one coming…and I have to deal with all these crazy people flocking from Eddie’s church with all their demons and issues!”

“Daddy,” snarls Quarter, “that is YOUR life! I don’t care about any of that!”

“Adjust your tone, young lady,” he advises.

“I’m so bored in this house,” she continues saucily. “I need to get away. There’s a party tonight, and I want to go.”

Creflo looks at his beautiful daughter. The one he has prayed over since birth, sent to the best schools and clothed in the best garments. Her skin is glowing and healthy, a result of a good balanced diet and her legs are strong and shapely, also thanks to many years spent running in their expansive backyard playing games with friends. Now she is too “grown” to throw a ball or a Frisbee and she wants to enter the adult world. But she is fifteen. He understands. He really does. Just because he is a pastor does not make him inhuman. He looks sternly, but lovingly at his young child.

“No,” he replies curtly. “You cannot go. You can’t drive, for one, and if you are going with someone who CAN drive, you have no business hanging out with them anyways. Nothing good happens after 10 o’clock. Publix closes at 9:30, and so does your social time.”

Quarter’s eyes flash. She mutters something under her breath and spins around on her heel.

“What did you say?” calls Creflo after her.

The child is intelligent enough not to reply. Sadly, she is not smart enough to restrain herself from doing what she does next.

*****

It’s 1:00 am and Taffi and Creflo can’t sleep. Pastors and their wives rarely rest…at least the good ones don’t. They take their spiritual responsibilities very seriously and spend many late nights pouring over new ventures, ideas, and a plethora of “prophesies” from wackos who think they are hearing from someone on the other side of Jordan.

“Let’s take a break,” suggests Creflo to his wife. “Jesse DuPlantis is coming on soon. Let’s have a snack and watch him for a bit.”
Taffi smiles.

“I’d like that. I’ll make some tea. You get the cheese and crackers.”

The house is quiet and they pad downstairs, not wanting to wake Quarter and Cousin Ruckus. As they enter the kitchen, they are surprised to see a shadowy figure disarming the alarm. A female figure darts past them.

“Quarter?” gasps Taffi, who is horrified by what she sees.

Her young daughter is clad in sparkly booty shorts and a mid-riff bearing top. Her ears are sparkling with her mother’s $20,000 diamond teardrop earrings,  a gift from her husband for their 20 year wedding anniversary. Taffi feels her jaw tighten. An ungodly guttural sound gurgles from deep within her belly, surging its way past her lips. Quarter is defiant.

“Whatchu gonna do, Ma?” she says tauntingly. “You better not touch me….’cause I’ll call the police!”

The blogs were right. Quarter HAD earned her reputation as a little skank. Taffi lunges for her lippy daughter and Creflo extends his arm to block her advance. He whips around and glares at this 15 year old girl who has the gall to speak to his wife that way.

“Quarter, I’m going to give you one opportunity to make this right. Apologize to your mother, go upstairs, wash that CRAP off your face and get in bed,” he says in measured tones. “You clearly aren’t leaving my house dressed like that.”

“Oh yeah?” sasses Quarter. “We’ll see about that!”

She reaches out her hand and pushes her dad in the chest to get past him. The contact of her little fonky, bony hand to his body in defiance makes something primal snap within him. His well of patience has run dry. Suddenly his bedroom slipper is off his foot and he is beating his child with it. In mid spank, he blacks out. When he comes to, the police at his door and he’s being arrested. Great. Fox News and dem are going to loooove this.

*****

 Creflo Dollar: If you can hear me, I just want you to know I stand WITH you! I myself had to pull off the interstate on the way back from DC to beat my kids with my shoe. Yes I did. Stopped a 2 ton vehicle going 80/mph so I could reach in the back and smack my two girls with my flip flop for fighting and disturbing our drive. Because sometimes, brother Creflo, you gotta beat your kids to save their lives. Who knows what would have happened that night? The news might have been entirely different.

Quarter Dollar, daughter of megachurch Pastor Creflo Dollar found naked and selling her body for doughnuts at local Jewish eatery.

Now how would THAT look?

Nah, man. Free Creflo Dollar! Free Creflo Dollar! He did nothing better than what any other GOOD parent would have done. The child literally only had one scratch. Send her up to Big Momma’s house and let her play up like that. A scratch would be the least of her concerns.