12/12/12

12-12-12. It’s kind of sad looking at that number when you think about it. Today’s date has forced me to take a hard look at my own mortality and fragility. Unless you’ve discovered the fountain of eternal life or plan to freeze and unthaw yourself until the next century, none of us will ever see this date or a repetition of its sort again.

That’s not what I thought about when I woke up this morning, however. This morning I was overflowing with a huge sense of gratitude for how far I’ve come since this date 8 years ago. As only a few who are very close to me may people remember, this is the date I went into the hospital with preeclampsia. I thought this was the date that either my unborn daughter, I, or both of us would die.

December 12th, 2004 was a dreary winter’s day, much like today. The sun peaked out whenever it could, but it was cloudy for the most part. I stumbled into Northside Hospital, trying desperately to feign composure and control until I was finally allowed to collapse into a narrow hospital bed in room LH17.

I remember it all very well. My heart was flooded with despair, hopelessness, and suppressed for the man who had landed me in that room 2 months too early with his vitriol and petty games. However as I sit typing today, I’m amazed at how so much despondency and hopelessness has become nothing but a memory – a pure memory – and has lost all of its sting. Time really does heal all things, if you sprinkle a little forgiveness on it.

2012 for me has been a benchmark year for me as far as spiritual growth and development are concerned. It was this year that I that I not only learned about power the of forgiveness, but felt it also. I’ve spent the last 8 years as a very angry person; though not in the sense that you might assume. I never made it a priority to seek and mete out revenge against people whom had done me some sort of slight (it’s never been in my nature to do that), but I did carry around negative feelings for people and events for a long time. Well, those feelings were really only directed at only person in particular.

My friend Caroline said the words that finally set me free.

“You’re giving way too much energy to this individual,” she said. “The thing that you focus your energy on is the thing that controls your life. Is this person worthy of directing your life?”

It was so true. Almost everything I had done, even if the results were positive, were in direct cause towards the hatred I felt for this person.

If I went to work, it was to prove that I didn’t need their financial support.

If I hugged my husband, it was an effort to strengthen my marriage that this person had said he would attempt to come between if given the opportunity.

Etcetera, etcetera.

When I stopped feeding so much energy to my negative thoughts surrounding this person, and shifted my thinking into not even thinking about them at all, I finally got free. It was a long, arduous process, and a journey that began in my soul on this very day 8 years ago.

This Saturday we will celebrate Nadjah’s 8th birthday doing all the things she loves best. She’ll be shining of stage in her school play and eating cake on princess plates afterward. She’ll be surrounded by the love of her family best friends. It’s a complete turnabout from the brokenhearted womb I carried her in for 7 months.

When I woke up in severe pain and panic that Sunday morning on 12-12-04, I never imagined our lives could have been this good on 12-12-12. I’m grateful.

 

*Does this day hold any special significance for you? What are you going to do to commemorate this day? Some people are getting married, some are busy being born (congrats to Nana on becoming an auntie again on today) and others will be boozing it up; like boozers need a reason to drink anyways.  *cough* A-DUB! *cough*

About these ads

9 responses to “12/12/12

  1. I just need to find a place to dump..I mean drop my soon off……

  2. Thank you so much for sharing, Malaka. I love, love your blog.

    Although your situation was much more challenging than mine, It is still very encouraging. I’m pregnant out of wedlock but I thank God that I have a good man supporting me. But it has been tough financially and emotionally as we are both not ready for a baby and even tougher for me to get the proper perspective on my situation. Today isn’t special to me but it did dawn on me that despite having two masters degrees and a baby on the way, i still have no idea what is next, familywise or careerwise. I hope that when I look back 8 years (or much less! lol) from now, it will all be a memory and one which I have learnt from. My fiance tells me that oneday, we’ll look back and smile.

    Happy birthday, Nadjah!

    • Thank you for leaving a comment apa! It’s always very encouraging to hear from readers. :)

      I also hope it doesn’t take you 8 years to get over your “issues”. I laughed when I read that. I think your fiance is right as well: one day you will look back and realize it wasn’t as bad as you think it is. An old lady who lives in London once told me to get over myself. She said even Jesus was conceived and born out of wedlock. The fact that I’d conceived a child out of wedlock should not be detrimental to my Christian sensibilities. (I’m paraphrasing. It was almost 8 years ago.)

      I’m SO glad to hear that you have a loving man by your side. It really makes all the difference in everything concerning your pregnancy and raising children. My last 3 pregnancies were so absolutely amazing (except for the first trimesters of course) because my husband made me and our children a priority.

      You seem truly blessed. You’re well educated, obviously intelligent, and have been fortunate to been able to bear children. I’d bet there are many, many women who would trade places with you. :)

  3. Hi Malaka……I’m a Looooover of your blog and am a fun of how you put things that concern life…your experiences..and so many other things into words…you do it so perfectly i must say..today..my beloved country (KENYA) celebrates its 49th year since our independence…and with so much gratitude i feel blessed to have lived to this date that doesn’t have a repetition…

  4. You have come a long way mama, happy birthday to Nadjah. 2013 is going to be beautiful.
    Last year at this same time, I was so lonely and had no clue what to do with my life. Things are better now. I have not figured it out yet but I feel that 2013 will be an awesome year for me. I have grown so much as a woman and learnt so much about myself. someone said make a wish on 12-12-12 so thats what I did. I wished that what ever belongs to me should come to me in 2013. I need my baby daddy to come back to us. I want to rekindle our love. He is a good guy, he just needs a lil direction.
    I also need money, so wished my business plans succeed in 2013. One thing I want to change in the new year is patience. I have very little patience. I need to be able to hold on for a little longer. I also dressed up and took some racy photos of myself. Damn I am one sexxy mama. I looked so hot.
    Looking forward to 2012 with grace :)

    • I’m praying and agreeing with you in hopes that all your prayers come true!

      I have to tell you: I was particularly touched when you said you needed you “baby daddy” to come home. Not many women would admit that. We live in an age where women have to do it all and be it all that it’s refreshing to hear someone admit that they need their partner. Jill Scott wrote a song on that very topic.
      And if you’re half as hot as you described your pix as being, he may some further incentive to come back faster! Heheheee!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s