Category Archives: Madness

There is only one person who brings drama and madness into my life, and that is my douche bag baby daddy from a previous relationship, whom I am tasked to deal with, courtesy of the Georgia Judicial system. I hope he DOESN’T get hit by a bus this week…

US EmbassyGate…Ghana Edition!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Santa? Is that you? Did Christmas come early?

Since this is Ghana politics, let me rephrase:

GAGAGAGAGGAGAAAA! HEIII!!!!

AH-JEISH!

I think that’s more in line with Papa Bronia’s merry chuckle. In time, we will figure out to combine the two for the benefit of all. After all, isn’t that why the US is in Ghana? I couldn’t find an official mission statement their website explaining why the US has an embassy in Ghana, but I’ll hazard a guess and say it has something to do with President Nixon’s agenda when he first visited Ghana during her foray into independence. His goal was to kill Kwame Nkrumah’s Pan African agenda and keep us darkies in check for the benefit of the superior Western World. (Of course, this is a coarse translation of events and ideals that on paper would include charming words and phrases like ‘bilateral cooperation’ and ‘mutual progress’.)

Did you see the US Embassy’s tweet about President Mahama this week? If you haven’t heard about it already, it will certainly be in Monday’s newsreel. It was a fantastically glorious example of hoof in mouth disease. I never would have heard about it at all if not for the BBC’s Akwasi Sarpong retweeting it.

USEmbassy tweet

Now, let me go ahead and say that I am not disagreeing with this tweet. It’s no different from the sentiments that I and many other people in my camp share. The average Ghanaian holds this view. (Save, of course, the diehard NDC sycophant who can’t seem to see the water for the ocean, even though s/he is drowning in it.) It was just odd that such an utterance – so utterly lacking in finesse – would emanate from the Twitter account of the Embassy of the United States of America. So odd, in fact, that most people took it for a joke/hoax/photo shopped prank and moved on.

Until someone apologized for it. Apparently, one of the staff who manages the USE twitter handle tweeted from the wrong account, inadvertently using the Embassy’s account to express their personal views.

Ahhh…so it was true? Now things were getting interesting.

I predicted that the NDC would attempt to use this tweet as fuel for propaganda and deflect from their role in ruining the existence of Ghanaians. Before I even had a chance to prove myself a soothsayer, Ghana’s Sarah Palin – and poster child for attractive, powerful, yet breathtakingly clueless women of influence – Miss Hannah Tetteh herself, lobbied an attack on the Embassy saying:

hannah v america

Now keep in mind, this is the SAME Hannah Tetteh who mocked the very same people who fund her cushy lifestyle with their taxes just a week ago during the #OccupyFlagstaffHouse protests. So derogatory and inflammatory were the tone of her tweets, that many were quick to assume that an intern/assistant had to be responsible for them. Her words were beneath the dignity of her office. However, since her tagline on twitter says “Opinions are my own & retweets are not endorsements”, it’s fair to say that she is personally tweeting in her own capacity. I am thunderstruck therefore that she would come out with such vehemence against the one tweet of the US Embassy when she sent SEVERAL far more offensive tweets.

The woman has the memory of a goldfish.

But there is a larger lesson here, and it has everything to do with how we use social media as public and private individuals. Oh! Forget Hannah Tetteh and the US Embassy. Just a week and a half ago this jolly woman was being feted by the Embassy at some event while her constituents were starving. And as for the Embassy? I remember when they were a mere office building in Osu with high gates manned menacing looking watchmen in blue shirts. Now, thanks to decades of denied visa fees at $500 a pop, they have purchased white amounts to entire New York city block of prime real estate, complete with plush housing for their staff.

As contemptible as I have always found the Embassy’s dealings with the Ghanaian public, I hold our ruling government in much lower regard. It is the Americans’ job to shaft us. And now we have to deal with that and the ruling government’s failure not only to protect us, but to fleece us in the process.

But as I was saying: the lesson.

Ghanaians somewhere are jubilating because they got the US Embassy to issue an apology.

usapologyWhat the Embassy actually did was apologize for the TWEET, not the sentiment behind it –which was bloody brilliant. We all know that JD Mahama’s presidency is one big apology. Now some guy called Ras Mubarak, the Chief Executive Officer of the Ghana Youth Authority (talk about a phantom position), wants Hannah Tetteh to call on the US Ambassador to lay prostrate before the good people of Ghana and apologize for the errant tweet. Excuse me while I piss myself in laughter.

One of those groups/persons is Food Sovereignty Ghana, an anti-GMO organization that seeks to keep Monsanto and co out of crop production in Ghana. I was tempted to unlike and unfollow their page on Facebook, but I know one of the organizers, so I know she has better sense than to condone the foolishness that the person behind their twitter account is hell bent on pursuing. Look at this series of tweets:

foodtweetfoodtweet2foodtwwet3

Now, their first mistake was to come for my BFFFL. If anyone is going to come for my BFFFL, it’s gonna be ME…and then I will apologize for it because I never want to hurt my bestie for life.

Their second (and third, and forth) mistake was to keep the feud going, and to make it personal. See the portion where Food Sovereignty Ghana shames her for arrogance for stating that Hannah Tetteh is “making a storm in a tea cup” over the matter. The individual manning the account for today clearly has no savvy. S/he has either forgotten that in tweeting these personal attacks, they are doing so in the FULL CAPACITY of their grassroots organization…or they don’t care. Are we then to surmise that this is how Food Sovereignty Ghana treats all persons who disagree with them? Does the organization routinely seek to shame private individuals in this manner? And if so, are they REALLY an organization we want fronting the anti-GMO movement in Ghana? Isn’t Samia Nkrumah linked to this group as well? Wait a second…I thought she had presidential aspirations? Are THESE the types of folks she is going to have in her cabinet? We already have a crop of Deputy Ministers, MPs and what have you that treat the private citizen with scorn. Why replace moldy rice with spoiled yam? It’s all rotten, isn’t it!

Sadly, as of typing this blog, the person(s) in charge of handling the official twitter account for Food Sovereignty Ghana have not stopped their silly tirades, ironically proving Nana Darkoa’s very point!

*Sigh*

You see this?

photo-2

This is the screen I have to bypass every time I send a tweet. I have two accounts: One for Adventures, and the other is my personal. Can I understand how the kid at the Embassy sent personal views from his/her bosses account? You bet your sweet cheeks I can. I’ve done it. Nana Darkoa has done it. You may have done it. Corporations don’t do social media for themselves; people –with private lives and views – do.

The lesson therefore is to be more cognizant of what you are doing and how you’re doing it, and if you can’t figure your device out, maybe it’s best to keep your work data a separate device altogether.

Me? Unlike some folks who are determined to have angst over America “dissing” Ghana, I’m looking forward to the photo ops of Samia, Hannah and Ambassador Gene Cretz sucking on organic hotdogs and singing Kumbaya in Accra this Labor Day weekend. They are all robbing us and we’re stupidly snarling for crumbs like the peasants and pee-ons they presume us to be.

Alliteration, bitch!

 

 

#OccupyFlagStaffHouse aka Dada ‘B’ Demonstrations!

Definitions for today’s post

Dada ba: A “spoiled” child/ a child who has never known true hardship/ a child who has grown up with greater than average benefits

FUBAR: F**ked Up Beyond All Recognition

Ghana: (For people like Ellen DeGeneres) That country that provides most of your chocolate, provided 30% of America’s slave labor, and that state in Africa President Obama visited not too long ago.

I think we’re ready.

 ******

They came armed with their iPads, digital cameras and a plethora of smart devices. Some came chauffeured by their hired drivers, and others by public transportation. Parents came with their kids and  girls came with their boyfriends. All had a singular goal: To let the ruling government know that they would no longer sit silently as Ghana descended further and further into the FUBAR trajectory that it has been in since Kotoka’s first coup.

Girl

#OccupyFlagStaffHouse is the first time in Ghana’s history that the middle class as a group has taken to the streets to register their displeasure with the ruling government. Ghana, like many countries in Africa, is accustomed to strikes. Our doctors, nurses and trade unions strike regularly. These are professionals and blue collar workers who rely on the government for their salaries- salaries which are in some cases in arrears of a year or more. The protests of these entities have in recent years become little more than white noise. The government merely yawns and placates the suffering with more platitudes and promises.

We’re used to things not working in Ghana, and for any African who lives north of the Limpopo, a lot of our social ills mirror each other, irrespective of the country of our residence or birth. Similarly, we who find ourselves in the ‘middle class’ deal with the ineptitude of our leadership in the same way. We find private solutions to public problems. If the municipal water and sewage does not reach our homes, we dig boreholes and install septic tanks. Public transportation doesn’t come by your house on schedule? No problem! We’ll buy a car. Public schools failing abysmally? No worries! I’ll send my kids to GIS/HGIC/any one of the new dada ba institutions mushrooming in the metropolis in exchange for exorbitant fees.

The middle class (I personally think it is an elite merchant class) has been functioning in a stupor like this for so long that it does not even realize how their selfish action has had such a negative impact on Ghanaian (or insert your country) society at large. In recent months, Ghana’s government has proven that it has the power to sink this ship we call a country entirely, and drown us all with it. This is what made folks who ordinarily are content with shaking their heads and hmmm’ing over a bowl of chilled mangoes at the shame of it all sit up and take notice.

I wasn’t there, but like most Ghanaians who have achieved a middle/upper (or lower middle, in my case) class lifestyle and who live abroad, we followed this protest with keen interest. Many of us know those people who took to the streets personally. Many of us commune in the same circles. We were and are also interested in the outcome of this protest – and others like it to follow – because we invest in our country. In 2011, Ghanaians sent $119m in remittances to loved ones back home who otherwise would be unable to afford school fees, or rent, or the cost a funeral.  When those dollars and pounds are affected by poor government policy, it affects OUR bottom line as well. Suddenly, your family that was able to survive off of supplemental $200 a month needs an additional $800 a month because inflation is so rampant and the government is threatening to impose a 17.5% VAT on banking services as well!

I love her face. "If you like, try me!"

I love her face. “If you like, try me!”

There are several articles that talk about the genesis and the need for #OccupyFlagStaffHouse. They are all very cerebral in their analysis. It is my job to talk about the more amusing aspects, and there is nothing more comical than the government response to the whole affair.

Before the Occupy protest even began (which was amazingly orchestrated in 48 hours!) the unofficial response by some NDC loyalists was to set up a counter protest at Black Star square. They created this blog on June 29th  listing all of the laughable reasons why JD Mahama needs every Ghanaians support. In regards to the recent fuel shortage that wrecked the country, they explain that it is only because of “disagreements” about unpaid monies that led BDCs (bulk oil distribution companies) to cut off our supply. How is this the president’s fault, they wonder aloud?

First of all, if you owe me 1.8 billion cedis (or $597,908,970.00, if you will), I’m cuttin’ off your supply too. And it’s the president’s fault because he hired the guy responsible for paying the bill and he didn’t do his job. Nepotism in Ghana is a helluva drug!

I was all geared up for a “protest-off” à la Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, but the group called off their counter protest amid ‘security concerns’. I see why. The government sent Afro-Robocops and tanks to meet the Occupiers! Is this how you prepare to greet people who simply want you to do your job? You mean who have ALL these resources but you can’t go out and catch the armed robbers terrorizing our country???

Heh. Where did they get the fuel for this tank?

Heh. Where did they get the fuel for this tank?

 

The Dark Robocop Rises

The Dark Robocop Rises

 

Can we talk about Hannah Tetteh for just a second?

This is not our first tango with Honorable Hannah, Minister of Foreign Affairs and Regional Integration, here on MOM. Remember when the Chibok girls were kidnapped and we BEGGED for our leadership to show some solidarity with the Nigerian government, just to say “Hey dawg. Boko Haram sucks, and we support you?” She said it was not possible. Protocol did not permit that. 17 hours later president Mahama released a letter that was back dated saying he BEEN sent a letter over to Goodluck n’ dem. The woman has proven that she is either 1) clueless, 2) should not have a social media account or 3) all of the above.

hannah

If you are going to tweet and comment publicly in your capacity as a Minister of Parliament, mocking the people who fund your comfortable lifestyle with their daily hustle is probably not good form. Don’t worry. She was dealt with quite nicely.

hannahWord of advice: If you’re going to throw shade, be prepared to have some smothered all over you as well.

Can we also talk about the boo’ing? *snicker*

A flagbearer aspirant of the New Patriotic Party (NPP), Stephen Asamoah Boateng was booed by the ‘Occupythe Flagstaff House’  when he presumed to address the media on the protestors’ behalf. He slinked away amid shouts of “No politicians!” and “you are all the same!” It was glorious. Hopefully someone will make a GIF of his walk of shame down the sidewalk.

All was well until the unthinkable happened. They arrested Edward Tagoe, a firebrand entrepreneur who is well-known in influential circles. (I still think you’re a misogynist, Edward.) Yei! Come and see panic! One woman living in the country sent me frantic inbox messages talmbout:

“This is why you need to be quiet on social media!”

“These people are just marking themselves for trouble!”

“I’m even crying now. I’ll pray for Eddie!”

How. How can a woman of such stature and education be so afraid of her own government? She is not alone. That’s what kept so many people who know this country is in a perpetual state of FUBAR at home or in some cases, out of the city altogether. They really do believe their government would punish them for exercising their rights! Edward Tagoe was eventually released and seen taking smiling selfies when he rejoined the protest.

As I hear it, the police tried to bully the protestors, but there were far more heartening stories. Secretly, a number of officers confided that they also support the protests. Things are near unbearable in the country. It’s hard, and while Hannah Tetteh & Co sit from their perches taking snapshots of the people they presume to piss on daily, they should remember that we are a people who do not forget.

Ah, it was a glorious day to be a Ghanaian again! To say I was – and am still – so proud is an understatement. Never mind that the news as of today is that government has gone to accept a $156m loan to purchase sanitary pads for girls in rural areas instead of building a sanitary pad factory…*sigh*. Aluta contiua.

Did you join in the protest? Why or why not? What was your favorite part of the day? What hopes do you have for action after this? Or do you think the protests were a waste of time? Is it time for ALL Africans in similar situations to do the same and demand more of their governments? Discuss! ↓

 

Why Can’t Zendaya Play Aaliyah? It All Goes Back to Cotton.

Hey there, Reader! Do you have any idea what this is? No, no. Not the white fluffy stuff. That’s easy. We all know that’s cotton. I’m talking about the big wooden thing it’s sitting in. I’ll give you three attempts before I tell you.

WhitneyCottonGin

That, folks, is Eli Whitney’s cotton gin…or a replica of it, at least. Did you know that just before this invention, slavery was on its way to being phased out in the South because it had become so unprofitable to grow and harvest cotton? The overhead cost of housing and feeding slaves was blowing cotton planter’s margins so abysmally that they nearly gave up on the enterprise! But then came Eli Whitney (and his Black apprentice too) with his witty invention that separated cotton fibers from their seeds and *POOF!*, Black people found themselves in bondage for another hundred years!

Most White folk don’t use cotton gins any more, seeing as there aren’t that many cotton plantations dotting this country’s landscape. The once useful cotton gin – this innovative tool that tied Black folk in bondage – has become a relic of the past. That’s what White people do: they develop tools and discard them when they have no more use.

That’s what they did with colorism.

We all know colorism was a tool used on the plantations to create social hierarchies that would pre-determine what benefits every person of color would receive. At one point in time, there were about 285 designations of Black color based on pigmentation, hair type and features, as well as accompanying tests to determine where an individual fit in the spectrum. Some of the more famous ones are the “brown paper bag” and the “pencil” tests. Colorism, just like Eli Whitney’s cotton gin, was yet another effective tool that the white ruling class used to keep Black people in bondage. But they don’t need it anymore so guess what? It became too became a relic.

Oh, please. Make no mistake. To the average Caucasian of a certain age Black is Black is Black. I work with a particular (white) gentleman named Will* who routinely calls my other (black) co-workers by wrong names. He is always quick to apologize.

“I’m sorry so!” he said with a chuckle once during a break. “It’s just that Mark and Kevin look so much alike!”

I snorted in contempt, replying “What are you talking about Will? Mark is four shades darker than Kevin, and Kevin was a bodybuilder. Even their frames are completely different!”

“Well,” he went on the explain, “to the average white man like me, they look pretty much the same…”

And THAT folks is how Mark could do the crime and Kevin could end up doing the crime. The idiotic nature of his view aside, Will unwittingly revealed something about how people who are not black see blackness: and that is that it is universal. It’s just “Black”. And why should it not be? After all, whiteness comes in peaches n’ cream, chalk and olive, but it still has the ‘benefit’ of being just plain ol’ white skin. There is no more stigma to having a creamy complexion than there is to having a copper colored one. This dynamic does not exist in the Black community, and I’m here to say it needs to!

zendaya-instagram-musicMy Twitter timeline has been alight for the last few days about a little girl named Zendaya. Zendaya Coleman is a Disney star: she sings, acts dances – you get the picture. Zendaya has also been tapped to play Aaliyah in an upcoming Lifetime biopic. This has certain Black folk – who are still stuck with a plantation mentality – very angry indeed. They say Zendaya is “too light” or “not black enough” to play Aaliyah.

zen and dadThis is where it gets complicated and really political. This is Zendaya’s dad. He’s about as dark as my dad, which is pretty darn dark. Zendaya is biracial – her mom is white. It is no fault of Zendaya’s that she was not born darker. She’s half black, and according to what society has been telling us for years, that makes her “all” black. However, because she is not an “acceptable” shade of black, she is unfit to play Aaliyah (God rest her soul). Looking at these two pictures of the pair side-by-side, I’d say she’s an afternoon in the sun away from matching Aaliyah’s complexion.

Zen aaliyah

But who cares? Seriously! Is this something to be miffed about? Zendaya has the talent to play the role, so why are some factions so eager to keep her from an opportunity based on the circumstances of her birth? Isn’t that what the whole Civil Rights/Lunch Counter/Bloody Sunday thing supposed to be about? So that mainstream society would judge us based on our abilities and not on the color of our skin? Why are we still holding on to relics from the past that our former oppressors themselves not only no longer use, but don’t even recognize?

On a certain level, I get it. Hollywood has long used lighter skinned Black people as the standard of “good enough” in marketing and film-making. I had a lengthy discussion with a friend about this last night, who is herself very light skinned. She was incensed. She talked about how hard it is for black women beyond “this” shade of brown to get any major roles, and that light skin is the only Black face white Americans feel comfortable seeing on screen and in print.

“That may all well be true, but we’re the ones with the power to change that, and we haven’t,” I pointed out.

Any one of our top producers and directors could have chosen to make an Aaliyah biopic and cast Keke Palmer (which would be absurd) or Raven Symone (even more preposterous) who both have the benefit of being born to two black parents to satisfy this ridiculous self-hatred that pervades our culture.

So there you have it: Zendaya can’t play Aaliyah because deep down inside, despite all of our progress, some Black people would still really rather be picking cotton.

 

Be honest: does Zendaya’s mized race heritage make her unsuitable to play the tragically departed singer? Halle Berry is biracial, but her skin is darker than Zendaya’s. If Ms. Coleman had been born “darker” would it make casting her in this role “better”? Are there larger political implications of a mixed race girl playing a Black girl that I’m ignoring? Just raise your hand if you think the whole thing is just asinine. Discuss ↓

Appropriation: My Problem with Pharrell’s Feathers

I’m not going to keep you long, saints. I just have a minute or ten to ramble on an issue that has been nagging at me for the last few days since I saw this image:

pharrell-williams-angers-fans-after-sporting-indian-headgear-on-magazine-cover

My first thought was “What the heck! Where’s his hat?” Then I wondered what kind of statement he was trying to make. Then I moved on.

Oh, no. Contrary to what my title may suggest, I actually don’t have a problem with Pharrell in Native American headdress. Pharrell is an “African American”, which means we really can’t be sure of what Pharrell really is.

Earlier this year I wrote a weekl-ong series entitled Is Bi-racial Still Black?  in which I explored the concept of color and how we view and experience blackness in our society. In that time, I discovered that one of my in-laws who goes by the nickname ‘Snipper’, was a quarter Native American. His father, born in Chillicothe, Ohio to Native American and Irish parents, was not permitted to marry a White woman because he was not fully White. By virtue of the law, he had to marry outside of the White race.

When you look at Snipper today, you can tell he has “something” in him, but he identifies as Black…end of discussion. And when you look at Pharrell, you can definitely tell he’s got a lot of mix going on in there, but we lazily define him as Black for the sake of our neat little boxes. Could it be that Pharrell, who hails from the Tidewater Area in Virginia where for eons there was a large Native American presence, could also have a significant amount of Native American DNA floating around in his cellular structure?

I think it’s very plausible.

One of the big words in our culture today is “appropriation”. People, both in academia and semi-intelligent circles, like to throw it out when they feel that art or intellectual property has been used in a way that doesn’t benefit or recognize them directly.

Webster defines appropriation as:

 To take (something) for one’s own use, typically without the owner’s permission. “His images have been appropriated by advertisers”

Synonyms: seize, commandeer, expropriate, annex, arrogate, sequestrate, sequester, take over, hijack, steal, take, plagiarize, copy.

Eminem, Justin Bieber, Lorde and now most recently, Pharrell, have all be accused of appropriating a culture that does not belong to them. But if we go by the truest definition of this term, I believe this is an unfair accusation. Eminem grew up poor and in the ghetto with a bunch of Black guys. That’s the only culture and existence he knew. Biebs didn’t “steal” anything – he was given full permission AND developed by Usher (another Black guy) to sing and perform in the manner in which he does. Lorde is Australian, so she doesn’t really have a culture of her own. She’s a bad example. And with Pharrell, we just don’t know what he is without a conclusive DNA test so at best we can only assume he’s “guilty of appropriation”… and assumptions do not facts make.

vic sec featherSo that’s my big question: who gets to be what in our world today? People for the large part like to color other people inside the lines and keep them in the confines of what they understand, which is in itself a very tedious exercise. All that judging and categorization has to take a toll on you. In regards to Pharrell and his feathery headdress, I’m more compelled to wonder what kind of statement was he trying to make with that adornment? Unlike the Victoria’s Secret debacle in which a model went stomping down the runway in full Native American head gear, leopard skin panties and a diamond cuff (none of which has any cultural cohesion), Pharrell may have had a more thoughtful (and less offensive) reason for wearing the headdress. After all, if the war bonnet is regalia used to honor chiefs who have done great battle and vanquished their enemies, does Pharrell’s status in pop culture not apply? Has he not vanquished many a sad day with his song Happy? Has he not overcome the inferior circumstances of his birth through his talent? Is he worthy of wearing the Native American war bonnet?

I wish he’d hurry and publish the results of his DNA so we could put this to rest! And Pharrell, if you’re reading this, I’m in your corner. I don’t feel that you have anything to apologize for. Nothing you will ever do can be as offensive as this.

beyonce-blackface

 

 

I Finally Know What Juneteenth Felt Like!

Have you ever been in bondage? Not that type of bondage, you sexual freaks! I’m talking about the grips of something or someone who possesses a strength so terrifying that you know in your heart you may never break free? Those of who have held student loan debt are very well acquainted with this sensation.

Ah, Malaka. What do you mean “have held”. Why do you speak of student loans in the past tense?

Because, my brothers and sisters! I have finally been made free! I am free from the shackles of Sallie Mae (that repugnant whore), Freddie Mac (that crooked swindler) and Mohela (their little mutt that has terrorized the populace)!

Notice I said I have been “made” free, not “set” free. I and hundreds of thousands of graduates like me are not eligible for this new-fangled student loan forgiveness the government has rolled out. If you graduated before 2010, you’re pretty much out of luck. But no matter! I’m here to testify that there is indeed light at the end of the proverbial tunnel! And fam, once you step into that light, you’ll never want to go back into the dark, dank, darkness. That’s why when people ask me if I would ever consider getting a Master’s Degree I reach for holy anointing oil, fire water and command that demand to return to the hovel from whence it emerged. More debt for why?!?

(Excuse me while I ascend to my soap box. I’m about to preach up in hurrr!)

I love Black history; you all know that. Black history is American history. And for a time in American history, my kinsmen were in bondage -severe, soul breaking bondage! They toiled from sunup to sundown, never taking breaks, always in fear for their lives and the lives of their loved ones, subject to the massa’s whims and wishes, and always believing in The Day…that one day when they would be free! And you know what? That sweet day finally arrived on June 19th, two and a half years after President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation – which had become official January 1, 1863. That’s right. For almost three years after they were officially set free, Black slaves toiled in fields, smithies and swamps for no remuneration!

There are accounts of some slave holders appealing to the “better nature” of their once imprisoned hostages, asking them to stay on and work for the “common good”.

“I can’t pay you, but I’ll treat you fair and share what we grow together,” one planter said.

Well, we all now know that’s a lie. Slave holders were compensated for lost “equipment” (that equipment being enslaved Blacks) to the tune of millions of dollars. Ol’ Massa could’ve afforded to give Toby $0.75 a week for his troubles. He just didn’t want to bother.

That’s how I felt when I called Mohela today to find out why they hadn’t taken my money from my bank account.

“Well, Malaka (because they always refer to you by your first name), it shows here that we did receive two payments from you on June 2nd…which brings your account to a $0.00 balance.”

A silly grin spread over my face.

free

“Really?” said I.

“Yes,” he confirmed. “And as a matter of fact, you’re in overpayment. We’ll be sending you a refund of $1.80!”

“You don’t say!” I chortled. Then my tone turned hopeful. “So this means our relationship is over, right?”

The rep laughed and said yes. Then he offered me his congratulations. I think I mumbled my thanks. I can’t recall. I was already dreaming up ways to spend that extra $500 a month we’d been sending them and was lost in my fantasy. He brought me to the present by asking if I wanted to take a short survey after the call.

“It’s not mandatory,” he said casually.

“Uh huh. Okay!”

“And just to let you know, we’ll be sending you a notice verifying you’re in full repayment in 30 days,” he promised.

“Great. Thanks. Have a great day.”

*Click*

How ironic. I was in overpayment for 24 hours and they never bothered to call me to tell me the great news… that they owe ME money. I remember the days when that scenario was reversed; when I was laid off and unemployed, wondering how I was going to make rent and constantly being hounded by the Student Loan office.

Ya 13 minutes late in your payment!

When ya gonna pay? When ya gonna pay?!!?

It was like anticipating a whipping. Thank God for deferment!

Sometimes I wonder what our ancestors did after they were finally set free. There are tales of men and women wandering the country looking for loved ones that had been sold away. Others said they were going to sleep in for the first time in their lives. For those who had been “made free”, i.e. purchased their own freedom, they were finally at liberty to go back and carry their enslaved loved ones to a new and better life.

However you slice it, freedom sure is sweet! It’s surreal. It almost doesn’t seem like it’s my reality yet. I’m dazed…I mean, I’ve been 14 years a slave to the federal government in pursuit of a degree I never used! A degree “they” told me I had to have to get any sort of decent job. Screw “they”. They didn’t hold up their end of the bargain. I got a degree, and the economy crashed leaving millions of people jobless.

No matter. Ise free now, and lawd do it taste delicious! Bye-bye Massa Mohela!

Have you had student loan debt? What’s the biggest bill you’ve ever paid off? How did it feel? Discuss! :)

 

Attacks on Women Have Nothing to Do with Class, and Everything to Do with Entitlement

Note: I want to have as cerebral a conversation on this topic as possible, and although every fiber of my being craves to employ the words “punk”, “n!gga b!tch”, scum and douche bag, I will refrain from the use of such monikers and attempt more genteel discourse.

But you know where I stand…

You discover the oddest things on Facebook. Let’s be honest: Facebook’s appeal has everything to do with the content your friends create, and not so much the utility itself. My Facebook wall is pretty mundane the majority of the time. My activist friends use it to promote their latest cause. My artsy friends use it to promote their next gig. My Stay-At-Home-Mom crew uses it to promote their children…

I can go for three months without logging onto Facebook and tell you everything anyone has said with 99% accuracy, I’m sure. Or at least I was until this week.

e meEdith Faalong was my virtual before we actually met and clicked in real life. She’s an actress who lives and works in Ghana and Nigeria, and has a pretty impressive body of work for being in the industry for so short a time. She has exceptional comedic timing, great range and is pretty darn hot. To say that I adore her would be an understatement. But like ALL my friends, her Facebook wall is pretty predictable. She uses it to share inspirational quotes and links to director and film writer Leila Djansi’s blog. So imagine my surprise when I kept seeing a string of comments that said:

I’m fine. To everyone who has expressed concern, I’m fine!

When I messaged her to find out what was wrong, I didn’t expect her reply. She said she had been assaulted on her job.

“WHAT?!?!” I exploded. “By who?!”

“By the director,” was her reply.

How in God’s name had I missed this? After the necessary and customary expression of my outrage (which is all you can do when you’re thousands of miles away from the target you’d like to slap the black off of) I asked her what had happened. What she told me read like it was scripted from a bad 80’s Afro-sploitation flick.

Edith-Faalong1Edith plays ‘Naana’ on the show ‘Living with Trisha’, a popular TV series in Ghana directed by Prince Amuni Gbenga. She joined the cast in 2013. I’ve only heard her express excitement and positive things about working with the cast and crew ever since she told me she was joining the project last year. One thing I’ve admired about Edith is how in control of her career she has been since she took her foray into acting. She is a brand ambassador for Tigo, and has used her sphere of influence to direct a positive conversation on the topic of Global HIV/AIDS with her work as a Goodwill Ambassador for UNAIDS through the #ProtectTheGoalCampaign. As I said, she is a woman in control of her image and her contractual agreements. In regards to her contract for ‘Living with Trisha’ which often shoots on locations in various parts of the country, she mandated a clause stipulating that she be able to go home at night and return for shooting the next day at her discretion.

On the day of the attack, the rest of the cast had opted to sleep at the hotel where their scenes were being shot, while she left the night before. This did not sit well with Prince Amuni Gbenga, apparently.

“What do you mean this didn’t sit well with him?” I grunted. “Is he your father?”

“Ask again!” she retorted before laying out the crazy string of events that took place.

Edith returned to the hotel early to prepare for her scenes which were to be shot later in the morning. As she was getting dressed, Gbenga barged into her room, demanding that she get dressed now and come down stairs to do make up. He was yelling in her face, making ridiculous demands. Stunned, Edith grabbed a bed sheet to cover herself as she was standing in HER room in a state of near total undress. She demanded that he get out so that he could dress, and he refused. After making it very clear that she wasn’t doing anything until he left her room, he finally turned towards the door where she walked after him to close it. Upon seeing her advance, he turned around, pushed the door backwards as if to let himself back in, and did so with such force that it cut her lip and bruised her face.

Think he bent down to help her up? Think again.

He stood over her, screaming insults which eventually roused her sleeping roommate, as well as a crowd of people in the hall who collectively pulled him away from her and urged him to calm down. Edith quickly walked off set and went straight to the police department to report the incident.

And THAT part, folks, is key: she reported it.

How many other women has Prince Amuni Gbenga taken the liberty of physically abusing without fear of reprisal? His wanton disregard for consequences tells me quite a few! And what was the director of the show doing summoning an actress anyway? Is that not the job of the production assistant? Furthermore, any sort of gentleman who finds a woman in a state of undress in the confines of her room and does not leave immediately? It’s fair to say that Prince Amuni Gbenga is no gentleman, but a barbarian and a coward who gets his rocks off on intimidating women. He joins a growing, pernicious list of men like Oscar Pistorius, Brian McKnight, Chris Brown, Elliot Roger and ol’ Ike Turner who have no control over their infantile urges to inflict their will.

I believe that is the genesis of all these assaults against women we see in the news day, after day, after day. It’s easy to dismiss physical assault as a crime that only the very poor or marginalized commit. We can point at the impoverished men in India and their propensity for raping defenseless girls and say that’s just something they do “over there”. But the fact remains that entitlement and narcissism is a plague that cuts across all social barriers and there are men of all classes who think that they are entitled to do with a woman’s body as they wish. Sadder still is that there are women who have been conditioned to believe the same!

I am so proud of Edith for reporting this to the police, and prouder still of the Ghana Police at Dansoman for their handling of the case. Even they expressed their disgust in the way the ‘Living with Trisha’ PR team handled the situation, which was to:

  1. Lie about the event and,
  2. Encourage Edith’s hotel-mate to lie by asking her to corroborate their version of events!

What a horrible and uncomfortable situation to put this young woman who still needs to earn a living in! These people have no couth and no decency. Instead of apologizing, do you know what they’ve done? In a play from Patience Jonathan’s Guide to Being an Absolute Idiot in Public, the producer’s wife has sent threatening messages to my friend, the details I will not reveal here since there is the potential for a court case. You see African women? We can be our own worst enemies. What a silly insolent woman to think she has the right to threaten anyone after the victim has been attacked!

This is but one of the incidents of physical assault that happens in society every day. If you’re reading and you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, don’t be afraid to speak up and get out. Be like my friend. Edith walked away from a hit TV series, because there is no job, no relationship, no nothing on this earth that is worth your dignity and your life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bucking Black Mediocrity: At Least I have a Drop to GIVE

*WARNING* HARD CORE RANT AHEAD

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about my hope to adopt one day. It was a blog that was well received, and we discovered that there are a great many men and women among us who harbor a desire to either adopt or foster a child, depending on what their financial/marital/biological/social circumstances would allow. There is no one reason to pursue adoption; no “right” or “wrong” reason (unless those reasons are unscrupulous and meant to inflict harm on the child) and I would never question why anyone would want to adopt a child if they had it in their hear to do so. This is why the call I received from a relative today was so puzzling, and quite frankly, fucking annoying.

Let me preface this rant by making this statement: I take great exception to anyone questioning my intelligence, and I am even further miffed when folks judge my abilities by their own failures or tendency towards inadequacy. The call I received today reminded me of two previous scenarios I had suffered at the hand of individuals who had my “best interest at heart”. The first was from a certain best friend of mine who sniffed when I told her I was pregnant with my third child in 2008.

“Why would you get pregnant in this economy?” she asked, not bothering to hide her mortification. “It’s like the worse time to grow a family!”

I just looked at the phone and resisted the urge to vomit morning sickness on it, resisting the need to utter the words burning on my tongue:

“Because, you imbecile, as ANY student of economics can tell you, economies are ever expanding and contracting. They exist in cycles. The fact that we’re in a slump now only bodes well for my unborn child in 4-5 years!”

economy

And guess what? 5 years later, the economy IS on the mend and I have a job and one final installment of my student loans to show for it. Unlike this particular single, unmarried, childless friend who finds herself $xx,000 in credit card debt with $xxx,000 in student loans that she has yet to pay off.

The second scenario came in the form of our thwarted move to South Africa by a particular influential church member who insisted that our Bishop forbid (or strongly discourage us) from moving because “we did not have a place to live” upon arrival in the country. What kind of a lunatic did this person take me and my husband for, to assume and proclaim that we would not have sorted out accommodations for our 4 children and ourselves in a foreign country? Thousands of dollars wasted and no reimbursement was the initial legacy of that venture. You all read that blog; I won’t rehash it.

But so you see what I mean when I say how it chafes the senses when people judge you by 1) their limited information and 2) the assumption that you would do things the way THEY would do them if they were in your situation?

TSSEEEWWWWW….

It was with great surprise that  found myself locked in the most unlikely conversation with a relative whom I will not identify out of respect. She called because someone else in the family had read my blog about adoption and was alarmed, to say the least.

“So what makes you want to adopt?” she asked in measured tones.

I told her that I have always wanted to adopt (ever since I was a child myself), that my father insisted I have my own kids before I care for someone else’s, that I felt I had a social duty to a young black boy as they are often left to age out of the system never having the benefit of a family and that my husband wants to adopt as well. Besides, Stone could do with a brother.

“Well, adoption is a big responsibility. How are you going to adopt living where you do?” she pressed.

I laughed and replied that this was not something we would be pursuing tomorrow. We just don’t have the room for it. No adoption agency worth their salt would let us adopt a child in our current situation.

“Maybe in about 4-5 years when we’re resituated,” I mused.

“So you’re going to adopt a child and then move to South Africa?” she continued. “That’s a huge financial burden.”

“Maybe we’ll adopt from South Africa, who knows?” But where was all this coming from? I was suddenly suspicious. “Why do you ask?”

Her tone turned somewhat condescending; that timbre that an adult takes when (s)he is explaining to a child that too much candy will result in a belly ache. “I just want to make sure you are not taking away from your OWN children and their future before you take on somebody else’s kid. You have to think of your OWN children and their college education…how will you pay for it if you spend all this money on an adoption?”

How indeed? I wanted to ask her how she managed to pay for her kids’ college education, but then I remember that she DIDN’T: her kids were in the same boat me and millions of Americans are in, i.e. saddled with nearly two decades of student loan debt!

I cut her off. She was talking nonsense, as far as I was concerned. “Okay,” I countered. “What if I got pregnant today? What if I suddenly ended up with 5 kids because Marshall and I conceived again? Would that take from my other kids’ futures?”

“Yes…I guess…but that would be YOUR child.”

“If I adopt, that’s still going to be my child!”

My voice must’ve taken on a quality that betrayed my irritation and disgust, because she suddenly turned defensive. There was no denying that I was utterly disgusted.

The conclusion of the conversation was that she and the rest of the family would support us and welcome our child as “one of their own”. How kind of her, especially since, as I pointed out, one of our most successful cousins –who just passed the bar – happens to be adopted and a number of our “biological cousins” are doing well to figure out where to put the toilet paper after they’ve wiped their backsides. What did she have to say about that?

“Oh don’t get me wrong! I’m not against adoption…it’s just good to look at if from all angles.”

Uh huh.

We discussed a few other pleasantries before hanging up the phone, but the fires had been lit. Ohhhh! There was just so much I wanted to say and couldn’t because of my damn African upbringing that demands I treat my elders with respect!

This particular relative, like 99.9% of my relatives, are liberal. She supports abortion, mainly on the grounds that it is more “humane” to abort a child than to bring one into the world that nobody wants. Well guess what? I AND MY HUSBAND want that child, and we are working diligently to provide a good home for him when the time is right and God says “yes”. We are not the only two people in the world who want to adopt, so spare me the false sanctimonious BS about the kindness of killing a baby in utero because “nobody will want him/her.”

Secondly, Black folk are constantly deriding White people for coming in and trying to “save us”. Well you know what, niggros? If ya tried to save yourselves, wouldn’t nobody feel de need to come in and rescue your community! Here my husband and I are, just thinking about giving a child what we hope would be a good or better life, and you want to discourage that? Why? Because you think it’s taking food out of my biological kids’ mouths? Do you know how much food goes to waste in American refrigerators and pantries every day? In the United States, 31 percent—or 133 billion pounds—of the 430 billion pounds of the available food supply at the retail and consumer levels in 2010 went uneaten. Think about your own fridge. How much food are you going to throw out this week?

Ah ah. And as for college, what then is she saying about my kids? What if all four of my kids gets a scholarship? What if my adopted son is gifted and gets a scholarship? What if they 5 of them form a music band and he is the missing piece of talent they needed for success? Why are you putting limitations on my kids’ potential based on what you see NOW??? What is this fucking lack mentality that plagues that Black community at large??!?!?

And that’s the crux of the matter of it for me: this insistence that Black folk of previous generations have that there is not enough. They are SO afraid that if you give to others, you’re not going to have enough for yourself. And then sit up there in church humming hymns in fancy hats as if God didn’t say it is more blessed to give than to receive and that unless a seed goes into the ground and die, it cannot bear fruit. That’s agriculture 101. You can eat your tomato and its seeds, or you can separate the flesh and produce an orchard. Sure, you can take care of YOUR family, but impact are you having your communities?

We had another cousin who had the audacity to question our work in South Africa. He told my husband that the work we were doing was “only a drop in the bucket” and that our resources would be “better spent” if we helped inner city kids in Springfield. He said this while he stood under the shadow of his 42” flat screen TV and the numerous trophies his daughters had won for their extracurricular activities. How Marshall didn’t throw the same missive that his money would have been “better spent” doing the same for inner city kids instead of diverting those funds to his own children as he saw fit is beyond me. Sure, our work may be a drop in the bucket, but combined with the hundreds of other drops working in tandem with ours, it getting full rather quickly!

Where’s your drop going? Do you have one to give, or are you stuck in the typical middle class Black American debt bracket borne from buying a house and car you can’t afford to impress people who don’t really give a crap? You’re life has no impact on the world other than making Cadillac and Wells Fargo rich!

MISS. ME. WITH. THAT!!!

What people don’t seem to get is that if we want to adopt, it’s OUR choice. We live by simple means so that we can give our kids opportunities. Yes, we live in a two bedroom house, but our mortgage is less than most people pay in rent for an apartment, our cars were paid for in cash, we have no credit card debt, and my kids have been to three countries abroad while most children in our extended family are doing well if they get out of the state before they turn 18.

I am SO sick of this mediocrity mentality that plagues my extended family, my community, and my race at large. We’re SO afraid to give to somebody else, to bless somebody else, to dream bigger than what our experience informs us of.

You know what would have been more meaningful to me? If my relative had called and said

“Hey! I heard you were planning to adopt. I know that’s a huge financial burden. The family and I have gotten together and would like to support you guys by scouting out affordable real estate in your area/would like to contribute towards legal fees/help you guys in any way we can. I think it’s great you’re thinking of someone else beyond your immediate circle.”

But to call me because you think my kids are going to miss out on a meal or an education? Man…miss me with that. I didn’t graduate Magna Cum Laude for nothing.

 

Act Like a Diplomat, Think Like a Terrorist

Note: I am not a security advisor. If I was, I’d be making hundreds of thousands of dollars on the crisis in Nigeria right now. Terrorism and counter terrorism are big business in the new century. That said, take this post for what it is: my observations and predictions of things to come based on the information available to me, which is of course limited…because I’m just a regular ol’ civilian, not a security advisor.

In my new book ‘Act Like a Diplomat, Think Like a Terrorist: A President’s Guide to Success in West Africa’, I detail how current leaders – and those to come -can use historical trends as a tool to help create a more peaceful and prosperous continent for us all. And to do this, they have no further than to look than at the presidency of Barack Hussein Obama.

Imma kill all y'all who mess with Murrika!

Imma kill ANYONE who messes with Murrika!

I know that I have been critical of Mr. Obama in the past because I am fundamentally at odds with much of his liberal agenda, but there is one thing I will NEVER take away from him. And that, folks, is his killer instinct. You see, unlike President Bush, who was extreme in his brand of “cowboy diplomacy”, President Obama is far more subversive. You will never see Mr. Obama coming. One minute you’re sipping sweet tea in your well hidden nomadic compound, and the next minute you’re dead. No warning, no finesse; just dead.

These are the tactics African leaders – particularly in this hour of militant extremism under the false guise of Islam and “carrying out the orders of Allah” – must employ. It is very clear from the response to the kidnapping of the Chibok 234 that West African leaders in general, and the Nigerian government in particular are not serious when it comes to security. They wait for things to come to critical mass and REACT, instead of being proactive in preventing this level of scourge. Boko Haram has been wreaking havoc on the Nigerian people for close to 5 years now, and in all that time, the government hasn’t switched up its tactics. Why? Because they are still conducting warfare like it’s 1999. This is 2014. It’s time to get techy with it.

President Obama has taken a lot of heat for the use of drones in his combat against global terrorism. We will never know the true number of civilian deaths and unintended targets from drone strikes. Have insurgents been hit? Absolutely. But there is no denying that the deaths of these innocents who find themselves in the mix is akin to going under the guillotine to alleviate a migraine. America and the Western world is willing to help Nigerian bring back these girls – whose numbers keep swelling as just this Sunday Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau ordered more girls kidnapped and promised more to come – because they understand that terrorism anywhere is terrorism everywhere. The West has more to gain from West Africa’s stability than it does from its destruction. Where else where they get their cheap chocolate and diamonds from if Boko Haram takes over?

It is unfortunate that ECOWAS or the AU (or whoever is supposed to be presiding over Africa’s security) has not taken these threats seriously. If you see a kid with matches in his hand next to your house, do you wait to see smoke and flames before stopping in his tracks? No! You take his intent and his threat seriously. Abubakar Shekau, a deranged madman and product of forced child marriage, reminds us all that he made his intentions known from the beginning. He not only showed us his matches, but told us all that he planned to set the entire neighborhood on fire. Part of his hour long web rant included this warm and fuzzy edict:

“I am going to marry out any woman who is 12 years old and if she is younger I will marry her out at the age of nine just like how my mother, Aisha, the daughter of Abubakar, was married out to Prophet Mohammad at the age of nine.
You are all in danger, I mean all of you.
I am the one who captured all those girls and will sell all of them. I have a market where I sell human beings because it is God that says I should sell human beings. Yes I will sell women, because I sell women.
I captured and abducted girls in a western school and it became a worrying issue for all of you.
You have forgotten that I have said that it is not only girls’ education I am against; I am against everyone who attends western school. Girls should go and marry, I am repeating it again. Slavery is allowed in my religion and I shall capture people and make them slaves.
Don’t think we are done yet because we are not. We are on our way to Abuja and we shall also visit the south, not to look for Jonathan but to destroy the nation’s refineries.”

So as President Jonathan and his military corps NOW scramble for answers because of a massive, global social media campaign (and thank God for it), we now know they should have been working with leaders in the region to develop an elite tactical force specially trained to deal with this level of insurgency years ago. On the surface, it’s great to look clean cut and show up on Jimmy Kimmel to crack a few jokes, but behind iron doors, you better have your Navy SEALs cranked and ready to go. To the civilian, you must look like a diplomat – but to the terrorists you MUST appear completely unhinged. The job requirements for leading in the 21st require a degree of bipolarism that only President Obama seems to have perfected. The man is the nicest stone cold killer you will ever encounter.

Abubakar Shekau has already said he will sell the girls on “the market”. Now, the first idea people who operate within the boundaries of decency will conjure up is to run to the market to rescue the girls. But if you pause and think like a terrorist, you’ll quickly realize that these girls are nothing more than bait to get as many military forces into a single area and blow them all to smithereens. You can’t send a battalion after Boko Haram. What is needed (in my humble opinion) is a small, agile force of outstanding African men AND women trained in combat and rescue operations. The idea of sending in large coalitions to do this sort of job is obsolete and ineffective. If it sounds like I’m talking about developing our own wing ofThe Expendables, you’re precisely right.

America has offered to send immediate assistance to end this scourge. I don’t know what America will want for its trouble (and they will surely want something in return for their assistance in this crisis), but I hope Nigeria is prepared to pay it. It’s glaringly obvious that this situation is beyond the country’s resources and know-how. I hope that other West African leaders are watching, learning and strategizing. Yes, our people are hungry and desperate for jobs, but jobs are no good when you’re dead.

It’s time for West African leadership to get truly focused on creating both a sense and reality of security for its people, but you can’t do that if your days are consumed with fighting over party slogans and looking for a bump in your ex-gratia/government remittances. However, if the turmoil of 18th century Europe has shown us anything, it have proven that the challenges are many and diverse, but they are not insurmountable if you Act Like a Diplomat, but Think like a…

 

PS: I really don’t have a book coming out by that title. But you might want to write one. Go ahead and use it if you like. My gift. :)

Of Men and Monkeys: Dani Alves’ Reaction

“I’m tired of talking about/writing about/getting mad about/pondering racism. Sh*t is exhausting. Like fighting…air.” – Denene Millner

My friend Afi asked me to weigh in on the latest and hottest (as of two days ago) racial kerfuffle, but I couldn’t resist quoting Ms. Millner. By the time I’m done writing, someone will have upped the ante on the Racist Games and we’ll be forced to refocus our attention on that. As Denene Millner rightly says, this stuff gets exhausting. Is it so hard to ask people to exhibit some basic courtesy and respect? Just basic ooo! I’m not even talking about the sort required to get you through the afternoon in an Elizabethan Era court; just a simple “How do you do?” would suit the masses, I’m sure.

Anyway, the Racist Games collided with another well known sport: soccer. For those not in the know, soccer is a brutal, vicious sport. Don’t misunderstand me! It’s not the game itself which is as violent as it is its fans. The reports of the number of fights, injuries and deaths at the hands of opposing fans over the decades are beyond count. But what is violence without a sprinkle of xenophobia the garnish it? That’s what gives brutish behavior that certain finesse, that je ne sais quoi, that “oomph”! What would be an appropriate flavor? What would racism taste like? Well in Europe, it appears to have the tang of a banana.

daniThis week, Barcelona and Brazil star Dani Alves – who is of mixed race – took the field for a free kick (or a corner kick, I don’t know which) and was pelted with a myriad of items as he did so. One of those items was a banana. Banana throwing, hooting and screeching to taunt brown and black players in European soccer is very common and has been since the days of Pele. Players of darker skin who find themselves victims of racist jeers react in a myriad of ways, from stoic silence to protesting to officials. I have seen it all, but I have yet to see a reaction as brilliant as the one Alves demonstrated in this latest incident.

When a fan threw a banana on the pitch he walked over, peeled it and took a bite before executing his kick. It was magic. In a show of support, pro soccer players around the world have begun posting smiling pictures of themselves with bananas with the hash tag #WeAreAllMonkeys in accompaniment. I’m certain if you dig hard enough you will find a number of people who take offence with this manner of support, but no one is really checking for them, are we?

#WeAreAllMonkeys

Hmmmm…. Now what exactly do monkeys eat?

What Dani Alves and his colleagues did was show how unimaginative racists really are. These idiots like to trot out tired phrases like “go back to Africa” and “can I see your tail?” when talking to people of African decent or mixed race in an effort to reduce them. All they really succeed in doing is displaying how (barely) educated they truly are. I decided to find out for myself what monkeys eat. Here are the astonishing results:

“Wild monkeys will eat a variety of foods. They eat fruits, leaves, gums and sometimes other monkeys. Insects are also a part of their diet in the wild. Sometimes they will eat blossoms and leafy things to supplement their diet. Ants and termites are a favorite snack of monkeys.”

My goodness! Maybe we all truly ARE monkeys! Let’s name some monkeys in our family tree, shall we?

Jeffery Dahmer ate other human beings, which certainly qualifies him as a monkey since cannibalism, after all, is a monkey-ish trait. There are several women in my office who take psychopathic delight in the perpetual chewing of gum, and let’s not forget the millions of people who nourish their bodies with leaves and fruits on a daily basis! Are you eating a salad right now, aren’t you? You are all monkeys!

I got even more curious about monkeys. Did you know they have complex social structures? Like humans, monkeys practice a variety of mating habits and form family bonds based on tradition. Some are monogamous with their offspring venturing off to form their own nuclear families at the age of maturity. Some are polygamous with one Alpha male leading the troop. Some monkey species are even polyandrous! In that final regard, I consider them far more advanced than their human cousins.

So yeah, we should all hope to be monkeys.

Come on racists. C’mon! Get a grip. The more retarded your behavior, the less chance we have of creating the warp core, or the transporter beam or a bloody time machine. You’re holding humanity back! Don’t be such a bloody primate.

 

My, What a Racist Week We’re Having!

Thank God for White privilege. No, seriously. Without White privilege, there is absolutely no way the likes of Cliven Bundy, Donald Tokowitz Sterling and ‘Mindy’ from this Tmbl’r account would ever make it in this world. I look at people this and see the wonder of privileged grace and mercy working in their lives – for without it, certainly these individuals would exist as little more than an amalgamation of bipedal pond scum.

I think Mr. Bundy is probably the least racist of the lot, so I’d like to begin with his statements which inflamed passions earlier this week. On the subject of Black people in America, he says:

“They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

I see. Never mind those pesky laws that have historically criminalized Black existence (vagrancy laws, Pig Laws, Jim Crow, Stop and Frist and whatever else they’re going to dream up in the American Judiciary in the next 15 minutes), WE put our young people in jail? And when were we supposed to be “having a family life” as slaves? In between the time our fathers and brothers were being tortured and hung, or when our children were sold off (or used as gator bait) or when mothers and daughters were being raped by egocentric masters and wicked overseers? And he talks about abortion?? Well, we have Ms. Sanger to thank for that, don’t we? Wholesale abortion of Black babies isn’t something we dreamed up in our communities, was it? It was the privileged majority that was frightened us darkies were gonna use up all their precious resources; therefore our numbers HAD to be culled.

Of course, Cliven Bundy has a very different interpretation of history, going so far as to say Martin Luther King, Jr and “Rosa Park” would agree with him.

My favorite part of the interview is when he asserts that if he can’t say “niggro, black boy or slave” then MLK didn’t do HIS job, because HIS right as an American is to get to say whatever he wants! Freedom of speech is his right! Sorry Cliven. I’m sure Dr. King would have gotten ‘round to that had he not been assassinated by *whispers* a White guy.

Mr. Bundy says he’s not a racist, and I believe him. He’s just a moron. The fact that he doesn’t (or can’t) differentiate his stealing from federal lands by allowing his cows to graze without paying any fees and taxes from a needy family on public assistance is telling. How is he a “patriot” and the poor Black mother on WIC a scourge or society when both are surviving on the public dole? He’s a patriot because his white skin means was born to privilege!

Did you see the video of him and his supporters in the field with guns drawn in a down with federal agents? Let a Black rancher try that – if you can find one. It would be over in minutes.

Oh, you’re Black huh? Bet you like that rap…that hip hop.

Well wrap it up and hippity hop on outta here!

You’re done, son!

You’re…

BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!

rambroBefore Mr. Black Rancher could get a word in edgewise he’d be shot dead, because the agents felt “threatened”. And don’t try to tell me any different. Remember Rambro? The Feds couldn’t wait to set him alight.

But all this is hypothetical. Let’s get into some real, actual, bonafide in your face racism. By now, you’ve no doubt heard the 9+ minute audio of Donald Tokowitz Sterling berating his girlfriend for taking pictures with Blacks and inviting them to games. This is crazy for a number of reasons:

  1. His girlfriend is Mexican…and Black
  2. Mr. Sterling is an 81 year old Jew

Dude, how are you a racist when you lived through the Holocaust? You are old enough to know that African Americans went over to Germany to free your people, and chances are you’ve met a few! And now Blacks aren’t good enough for your Black girlfriend to associate with or put on her Instagram account?

Obviously, people are all atwitter because of the blatant racist remarks he made. My concern is about something a little more subtle and much more disturbing: his penchant for exoticising his girlfriend  and expectations of submission.

Donald Sterling Girlfriend V. Stiviano Photos-1Mr. Sterling’s girlfriend, who simply goes by V. Stiviano, is racially ambiguous. You really can’t tell “what” she is when you look at her. He therefore took it upon himself to define her as Latina, and to conduct herself as such, conveniently forgetting that she has Black African DNA swirling all up in her bloodstream and ergo producing a very fine pair of plump lips.

This is the portion of the conversation that had my jaw on the floor.

DS: Yea it bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you’re associated with black people. Do you have to?
VS: You associate with black people.
DS: I’m not you and you’re not me. You’re supposed to be a delicate white or a delicate Latina girl.
VS: I’m a mixed girl.
DS: Ok well.
VS: And you’re in love with me. And I’m black and Mexican. Whether you like it or not. Whether the world accepts it or not. And you’re asking me to remove…. you want me to have hate towards black people?

Exasperated, he goes on to reduce her by snorting that she’s just a “fighter”, wondering who would want to be with a woman like that, and imploring her to “understand” him instead of fighting him on the issue. V. responded – and very calmly and rightly too – that she did not understand.

How could she? He’s talking craziness! And let’s not forget that. She’s. Part. Black. She’s good enough to sleep with but…

Speaking of crazy people, that brings us to ‘Mindy’, curator of the Tumbl’r account Social Justice Mindy . I was all set and ready to celebrate People Magazine’s declaration that Lupita Nyong’o as Most Beautiful on their cover when Mindy told us all not so fast! How can she believe that Lupita is beautiful when even BLACK men say she’s ugly? She rails against the assault on White beauty and femininity saying:

The media wants white women to be ashamed of themselves. And it is time to stop that. Everywhere I turn, i see black women stealing white men, like thieves in the night. I dont mean to be racist but honestly sometimes I wish we could go back to segregation.

What? But wait. The best part is when she adds “I’m not a racist. I think black people should have the rights we give them and should keep them.”

mindy

Hauex, have several seats. Black people weren’t given any rights. We bled for them.

I’ve saved the best for last though. Nothing gladdens the heart like a friendly visit from your local Grand Dragon of America’s original terrorist organization, the KKK.

frazierFrazier Glenn Cross, Grand Dragon and former leader of the defunct North Carolina-based White Patriot Party (formerly known as the Carolina Knights of the Ku Klux Klan) was caught this week in the back seat of a vehicle with a transvestite prostitute in a very compromising scenario. A BLACK transvestite prostitute. With twigs, berries and curls. The details are so graphic that the DA won’t release them, asking rather that people use their own imagination and judgment to discern what happened.

As Mr. Cross said in his testimony, he intended to lure the prostitute to his car to beat “her” up, but one thing led to another and…

And, well. There you have it. The Klan coat of arms merely instructs its followers to “screw Black people”. How each member interprets that mandate up to the individual! Who are we to judge Grand Dragon cross for taking this mandate literally?

And there we have it kids: a complete rundown of all the major racist news in the headlines this week. The word of the day is “irony”. Bet you thought it was “racism”, huh? Nah…racism can’t explain how a racist Jew, a Mormon, a girl with a 3.2 cum GPA (her words, not mine) and a Grand Dragon could all find themselves in bed with or simply doing things that Black do on a daily basis? Only irony can do that!