Category Archives: Marriage

“Should Christian Men Hit it from The Back?” Well, Since You Asked….

This evening I received a very odd, and rather unexpected text from a woman in my church. It was unexpected because I rarely have contact with said woman, and secondly, because of the nature of said text. We do not know each other like that. Like what, you ask. See here:

Maleaka, I have a question about your blog. I am here with [two other high ranking women in the church mentioned by name]. We heard you wrote a blog called “Should Christian Men Hit it From the Back?” Is that true? We’re looking for it…

Ewurade. This my blog. This my church! I never thought the day would come when there would be a coupling between the two. Even though the topic sounds like one I might I have written, I ensured my enquirer -let’s call her Romona- that I am/was not the responsible party. Romona apologized and ceased all electronic communication.

I, however, was ill at ease. I asked my husband what may have prompted Romona’s question. Why would she be asking ME? I went down a series of theories as Marshall shook his head. He assured me there was no mal-intent behind it.

“In fact, she’s asked this question before,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“Ah. Why is she so obsessed about whether or not Christian men hit it from the back?”

“I don’t know,” he answered slowly, “but the subject did come up in early morning prayer.”

Heh? Is this what my church people are praying about at 5am? I should make it a point to show up one of these days!

As I am sure at least one of the trio who initiated this discourse is reading this now, I think we should rephrase the question, since we are talking about heteronormative Judeo-Christian terms. After all, we don’t want people thinking I am here promoting sex out of wedlock. I am a deacon’s wife! The better question would be “Should One’s Christian Husband be Hitting it From the Back?” The short answer to this question is “yes”.

The long answer is: Your Christian husband should be hitting it in as many ways as your combined masses will allow. Marshall and I have a combined weight of 537 lbs. on a California King mattress.  I’m not sure what that is in psi, but I am hoping one of the engineers who is down with the MOM Squad can work that out.

pirateCaptainNeither of has joints that are that malleable, but when it comes to sex, I will rally and force as much flexibility as I can muster. Why? I’ve told you all this before: I am at an age where I only want orgasms. Every Christian woman should want orgasms. If we are not here for orgasms, what are we here for? We have conceived the children we will ever need. I have explained this to my husband in no unquestionable terms, and his understands his duty. The ONLY goal (!) is to have orgasms. Sometimes I like to dress up as a pirate captain and demand my husband join me on a quest for booty, just to make sure there is no confusion.

“Aaarrrr! And don’t come up for air until ye hath found me orgasim!”

No seriously. What kind of class 2 question if this? Should Christian men be hitting it from the back. How? This is why people don’t want to come to church, get married and get saved oooo. They think they will be doing missionary position for the rest of their lives!

Oh! We are so glad you have accepted Jesus into your heart and are now covered by His blood. Now that you have a wife, the two of you must put away your wicked, sinful ways in the bedroom. You must choose this day one sexual position, and one position only! Your wife will lie on her back in submission, and you, my brother, will climb on top and pound her.

Kai! I reject that! So for the next 30-40 years of married life, I can only eat one meal served one way? Is my marriage a sexual prison? No, please. God did not give us imaginations for us to only be doing missionary position. A Christian couple should have 2 things: An exciting prayer life and an exciting sex life. In fact, pray for God to inspire you to have better sex.

Sister, if you are reading this, your husband should be hitting it from the back AND MORE. He should have your legs on his shoulders. You should be riding him reverse cowgirl. Your breasts should be jiggling uncontrollably…and if they are in control, they must sway gracelessly in a pendulum. You and your Christian husband should have as much sex in as many different ways and in as many different situations as your circumstances will allow.

You should do it in a box.

You should do it with a fox.

You should do it on the floor.

Sex should not be dull.

You should want more, more, more!

 

Now, in all seriousness, I understand the genesis of the question. I believe it is because one of our Bishops said at one conference – or during one sermon or another – that he did not do it from the back with his wife because when he was a dog in the street, that’s how he would have sex with random women. He didn’t want to put a face to the vagina, so he would engage in doggy-style sex. (I’m paraphrasing. His rendition was much more eloquent.) Now that he is married to his lovely wife, it is simply his preference that they face each other. I don’t recall him stating that couples should not engage in doggy-style sex.

Mmmmm.

Doggy, doggy, doggy!

Look here. If animal-imitation sex is what it is going to take to get your wife to orgasm, then please advise yourself and do that. After all, the best Kung Fu is inspired by the animal world. Did not the Crane Technique take Daniel Laruso to the championship in Karate Kid? Was his execution not flawless, even though the Cobra Kai kid had broken his hip? Every Christian couple needs to invest time in studying the animal world and apply their characteristics for better and more interesting sex! How do vultures do it? Let’s try that.

Do you know that every day, thousands of married women die without ever having experienced the pleasure and the POWER of an orgasm? This is a human tragedy on par with war and famine. I believe both men and women have discounted the true value of a good, strong, enduring female climax. It is the memory of that sensation that keeps ones wife doing your dookey stained laundry. It is what causes her to greet you with a smile after your hard day at work. It is what makes her rest her head on your shoulder on Sunday mornings during service. If – as a couple – we are not coming, we are going. And we are going in the wrong direction, hurtling towards anger and dissatisfaction. So please, let’s come together, in all senses of the phrase.

Now, if you cannot give your wife orgasms because you are lazy or unskilled, you must at least be able to give her money in compensation for your failure. Your wife is not a saint suffering with and for you just for the fun of it. If, post coitus,  you glance over and your wife is looking at you with this face, just advise yourself. Go into your wallet, and bless her with Calvin Klein spending money for wasting her time.

Really, dude? I coulda had a V8.

Really, dude? I coulda had a V8.

I just can’t believe I got asked this question. A Christian woman is like any other warmblooded woman. She wants her heart to skip a beat. She wants to be surprised in love. Some of us even like to be spanked. I do. Just the other night, I told my husband to spank me as if I had stood in front of the church and told the whole congregation that he spends his spare time rolling in glitter and skipping through dewy meadows in a silver kilt. After he got over the shock and his fit of laughter he delivered a proper, open-palmed blow.

And

I

Liked

It

 

In conclusion, I hope I have made my sentiments on the matter very clear. If hitting it from the back is going to thrill you both between the sheets, then that is what you MUST do. There are no “shoulds” about it. At 37, I am past my self-determined child-bearing age. My uterus’ function is no longer to carry human  life. What I am not, however, is past orgasm achieving age. I don’t think that age will ever come. I want to and plan to have sheet staining climaxes well into my 90’s. I can see my grandkids now.

“Guys! Grandma peed on herself again. Someone come help me change the sheets.”

I will respond with a sly grin, “Oh no. That’s not pee, baby. Heh heh heh… Now give your Granny some water. She’s thirsty.”

*Cackle*

 

Welcome to My Church!

Saints! I ain’t gwine keep you long on this Monday mernin’. I just wanted to share a memory that came back to me after I had a conversation online earlier today. Someone had shared with me that she had gone to a wedding this weekend, where as usual, sexism and simplicity (of mind) were on display.

“You are now subject to your husband!” the officiating pastor is said to have declared. “It doesn’t matter what they said at Beijing. You career comes fourth.”

He went on to add that she must never argue with her husband and that she must never deny him sex – even when he has offended her.

The woman recounting this series of events was horrified of course, and I was grateful she could not see my face contorted in laughter. Never deny your husband sex, eh? Even when you’ve got a yeast infection? Even when your underwear looks like the floor of a butchery during your special time of the month? Even when you’ve had one too many bean pies and have wicked gas and he wants to hit it from the back?

These Ghanaian pastors are, like, sooo impractical.

Of course the basis of all this advice is “scriptural”, with that scripture being based on Ephesians 5:22.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

Eh? You said what? Ephesians 5:21 says what? ”Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”? Please…no. That is contrary to the message we are preaching in Ghana. In GHANA, it is for the wife to submit and obey. She is the body. It is for the husband to be the head; and that head must be stroked, pampered, petted and fed. Is the head not where the mouth is? Com’on then! Bring it food to eat! What is this nonsense about mutual respect for each other? You are a married woman now, and your dreams/hopes/plans only have validity if I say they do.

Oh, Lawd! How I roared to myself this morning!

I asked my husband yesterday what he believes the average man’s definition of “submission” is, as far as a woman (because there are dudes who believe all women should submit to men, whether they be their husbands or not) is concerned. What constitutes a protocol of submission? Now Mr. Grant, who is ever the diplomat, first went on to make it clear that the Bible says that spouses are to submit one to another, that men have the greater responsibility to ensure the happiness and health of their households, and a litany of reasons that solidified why I married him. Is this not a man? I weep for my female counterparts who went to the altar thinking they were marrying men, only to get on the other side of “I do” and discover they were instead wed to a Baby-Pimp-Boss. You know…the guys who want you to be ever ready (and eager) to please him sexually, but relies on you to boil him water for a bath, but at the same time wants you to treat him like a deity, even in the face of his marginal competence? Oh don’t play coy. You know these couples!

Marshall asked if he was to start a church in Ghana, would his message to men be received.

“That message would not be welcome,” I said flatly. “Sure, you’d have a small following, but you would never have to invest in a large edifice or tons of seating. You’d have 8 members…10 tops.”

This made him laugh, of course. Who ever heard of a 10 member church?

The memory I wanted to share with you has to do with my Christian journey. I haven’t prayed for the sick and had anyone recover, I barely led one girl to Christ while I was in college and I don’t have many verses committed to memory. These are qualifications for being named among Christ’s disciples (not whether I choose to wear pants to work or not), so I don’t think I’ve earned the right to be called a Christian. Marshall, who is a deacon on the other hand, has earned this. It grieved him to see his wife so fallen behind, and many years ago he asked me if I could make the effort to become more ‘krife’.

I denied him that request. I know myself. He would not enjoy living with a Christian fundamentalist, krife Malaka. But what might such a woman look like? I can picture it now; I in my pink pillbox hat and ankle length skirt…and white stockings! All female preachers need white stockings…

 

*****MOM MODE******

Greetings, and welcome to Christ Feminist (He came to set the captives free) Church! Today, I want to talk to you faithful few about men.

Yes, men!

Some of you sisters have been causing men to fall, because you have not told them the truth about their place in Gulllld (translation: God). You have not quoted them Proverbs 6. You have not led them to Proverbs 24! You have allowed your Baby/Pimp/Boss mates to wallow in mediocrity, and now look who is suffering? You!

Today, I want to tell you about the parable of the cotton wool.

106HipPastorThere once was a plantation owner who had vast fields of cotton. Year after year, his slaves picked the finest cotton and put them into bales. The children of the slaves picked the seeds from the tiny white buds, and they were all unhappy. The plantation owner didn’t care though. His profits doubled every year and his cotton was used to make the finest clothing for the British aristocracy.

But one planting season, he got a bad strain of cotton seed, and his cotton bolls came out grey and hardly fluffy. When the slaves tried to put them in huge bales, they would disintegrate and often blow uncontrollably all over his field. Sometimes, the wayward cotton would stray into other planter’s fields, polluting their soil. Instead of the cotton being used for fine attire for the rich, it could now only be used as sanitary napkins.

Because you sisters have not fed your husbands, boyfriends and side-guys the proper gospel, they are now that lower grade of cotton. See! See how your men have lowered themselves. They have not taken on the mantle of kingship. They see themselves as poor cotton wool, whose sole job in life is to sit between the legs of whatever woman they find themselves in the presence of.

Whores! Male whores! Did not the Lord Gullllld create you for more than this? Why are you constantly seeking moist, wet environments to perpetually dwell in? Are you sanitary cotton wool?

 

*******

This is why God has never placed in me a desire to preach.

Should You Trust Your Spouse Unreservedly?

I recently wrote an article in support of Itz Tiffany on Adventures after videos of her having sex with her husband were released into the ether by no one other than her (now ex) husband.

Yes. Let that sink in.

Apparently, his motivation for releasing the videos was to reduce, shame and demoralize her with hopes of ultimately destroying her career. The rules, repercussions and rewards for nudity and sexually suggestive images are very different for a woman depending on her race and/or ethnicity. If Africa and in the African diaspora (that includes you, Black America!) a naked Black woman in the public arena is a whore, pure and simple. There is no mystique or analysis afforded the nude, Black form that is afforded women of other races, who are more likely to be described as “racy”, or “daring”, or “artistic”, or “rebellious, or just plain “weird”. We know it and Black men in particular know it. And since we are all in the know, should you then trust your significant other with a camera?

Trust is supposed to be the cornerstone of any long term relationship. Even when relationships are adversarial, you can still trust that your foe has constant plans to usher in your undoing. That certainty keeps you on your toes and alert to their wiles. But when you are engaged in a loving relationship, especially one that culminates in marriage, is it wrong –or even dangerous – to trust your partner completely?

The issue of trust has been a concern in my house for quite a while. At my insistence, my husband and I have held separate bank accounts. It has been one of the few things I have refused to compromise on. I will never completely pool my personal resources into one household account. His contention is that doing this makes it appear that I don’t trust him, and this makes him feel bad. My retort is that he shouldn’t, because even if he was Christ Almighty Hisse’f, I still would have my own account. I do not believe a woman should ever be without control of her own money. On the other hand, I think my husband should be encouraged that I trust him in other – and probably more meaningful –areas. I trust him with my soul, my secrets and my body. I trust him to respect me and to defend me. If I live to be ten thousand, I would never expect Mr. Grant to reveal pictures or videos of my body into the public domain. But am I fool for that?

There has recently been a spate of ‘revenge porn’ i.e. ex-partners releasing videos and pictures of women in compromising positions all over the news. The most recent and outrageous of these comes via the case of Desire Luzinda, a pop star from Uganda who is to be arrested for having naked images of herself released in the public domain. The mechanics of how this works bends the mind. Her ex-boyfriend released the images, but she is the one who gets arrested for violating the country’s morality and decency laws. There is no word yet on whether the boyfriend will be arrested for distributing pornography, but my Patriarchy and Misogyny Senses tell me it’s not likely to happen. It’s ironic (and disgusting) that this young man has found an accomplice in the government for his vendetta to further punish this young woman. Whereas other nations like the UK have inked laws to protect women from revenge porn and other forms of online bullying, several African nations are setting us back to the Dark Ages with their brand of witch hunting inquisitions in the name of ‘decency’.

It’s just tragic all the way round.

Ms. Luzinda’s explanation for why she allowed herself to be photographed in the nude is because she was “in love”; and as any woman who has ever thought or known herself to be in love, you can imagine Luzinda was doing anything to make her partner happy. This obviously included taking nude pictures for his benefit. She was being “racy” with the expectation that her privacy would be respected, but we all know now that racy doesn’t work that way for African women!

One commenter named Leslie on the Adventures blog has harsh criticism for any woman who allows herself to be photographed in the nude. She calls such women “brainless” and stated that it was only a brainless woman who would trust a man completely…even if that man was her husband. She seemed to imply that only brainless women allow themselves to be vulnerable, which I think is an unfair accusation.

smallerbandsIs Leslie right though? Should a wife hold her husband in suspicion at ALL times? I can allow for a boyfriend leaking photos, because I think of men who have found themselves firmly in ‘boyfriend status’ as those whom a woman has not determined mature enough to marry. An immature man – like a boyfriend – would post personal images, emails, voice mails, etc. to shame a woman in public. But a husband on the other hand – someone who has worked to provide a home, honors his family legacy, spends time pondering the ways of the world, seeks knowledge and speaks with intelligence – a HUSBAND would never do that. To that end, a wife should never have to fear that her husband would diminish her in this way. I think too many women are allowing boyfriends husband benefits, and these are the results. I’m not victim blaming at all! What I am saying we have a swathe of humanity who has misplaced their trust in totally unqualified candidates.

If you can’t have trust in a marriage, then where are you supposed to have it? Suspicion of your spouse can only poison your relationship and lead to its destruction in the end, which is why Leslie’s comments and others like hers cause me some disquiet. If you can’t trust your husband and vice versa, what’s the point in even getting married? But then, maybe I’m a fool.

Thoughts? Discuss ↓

 

Lessons on Accepting and Tolerating Domestic Violence Start Early for Little Girls

By now you’ve seen the Ray Rice video where the Ravens running back gets into an elevator with his fiancé, punches her unconscious and then drags her out of the elevator like trash. They have since tied the knot/jumped de broom/ whatever you want to call the fiasco when a woman marries her abuser.

rayIt’s easy to point fingers at Janay Palmer and ask yourself what on earth would possess her to legally bind herself to a man who has proven he is prone to violence and clearly lacks self-control. What further would compel her to join him on stage during a press conference and “admit” that she had some part to play in her own beating? Philosophers like DL Hughley might rationalize that it is because Ms. Palmer is a “thirsty bitch” who doesn’t want to mess up her money. The only person who can provide reasons why she is still with Ray Rice is Janay Palmer, and like many victims of domestic violence, those reasons become murkier with time.

“I don’t know why I stayed,” is the refrain you often hear from women who have escaped violent relationships. This will often be followed with a litany of justifications that include:

Love

Loyalty

The kids

 

As always, I never want to give the illusion that I am sitting in judgment of another woman in circumstances such as these. While I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, I was a willing participant in an emotional (and well documented) one for a year with Douche Bag. I even confessed to the MOM Squad to wanting to marry him at some point. I was enamored with his ‘potential’. If he just applied himself he could really BE something, I thought. But the man is an outright lost case… as his fiancé (with no engagement ring, and now, no wedding date) has come to discover. I wonder how long she’s going to let him live in her expansive house, rent free with access to as much free food and sex as his little heart desires? That will be for her to decide. Every woman has her line and her limits.

But what makes women so tolerant of abuse? The figures on domestic violence are murky, but it’s estimated that between 25-33% of all women will find themselves a victim of domestic abuse in some form. The abuse can take the form of psychosocial or emotional trauma, to routine beating and in some cases death.

It is my contention that people who abuse women –even female ones – seek out certain types of women. They look for women who are sweet, or have moderate-low self-esteem, or fiercely dependent, or confess to undying loyalty. A woman like that is easier to trap and control than your garden variety self-obsessed, highly ambitious gargoyle who would sooner burn their assailant alive than to let him/her touch her in a violent way. That’s not to say a person with an abusive personality wouldn’t try it; but the point of abuse is to establish control and women who are not easily controlled do not make convenient victims.

These ‘feminine’ qualities – the self-sacrificing and nurturing archetypes that women are raised to aspire to – are a hotbed for the virus that is an abusive personality. If not presented with a strong sense of balance, they do more to enable the abuser than to deter his or her behavior. It’s important that we talk about woman on woman abuse when we speak about domestic violence, because the face of lesbian domestic violence is often veiled. I have had two very good friends share with me the horror of having their partner stomp them in a parking lot or assault them at home. Whether it’s a man beating up a woman or same gendered abuse, the goal is the same: to assert dominance and to make your victim feel weak, afraid, and hopefully, too scared to leave.

These are emotions I will never tolerate as they relate to my girls.

My parents never talked to me about the intricacies of domestic violence. We never talked about the mechanics or the intention behind it. There was always a sense that they would “take care” of anybody that hurt us, but even in that messaging I found myself feeling more afraid and compassionate for the potential recipient of my parent’s wrath than I did for myself. I did and could not fathom that anyone would hurt me so severely that it would warrant such intense retaliation!

There are many conversations I will have to have with my girls including dating, choosing colleges, which market to buy their first home, why they should never accidentally put diesel in their engine that only takes unleaded…but I confess I never put domestic violence on the list. It’s scary to imagine, let alone discuss. Fortunately, a cartoon gave me the perfect segue to the topic.

jemI recently introduced the girls to JEM and they have been devouring the episodes like a pair of piranha. Like many other American girls, I loved the cartoon in the 80’s, memorized the theme song and wished I could be a star, just like Jem and the Holograms. I vaguely remember her having a boyfriend named Rio, but now that I am watching the cartoon as an adult, I am horrified! Rio as I have rediscovered, is in a 3-way relationship with Jem and Jerrica Benton (who are the same person). In one episode we all watched, Jerrica was on the verge of revealing to Rio that Jem was her secret identity. The burden was too much for her to bear, and Rio was screwing with her head, confessing to loving Jem AND Jerrica on separate occasions. Before she could confess, there was an altercation with some other people in the house and she changes her mind.

Furious because she won’t be forthcoming with him, Rio then storms off screaming at Jerrica and then KICKIN OVER HER FICUS before essentially telling her to screw herself. The girl just stood there and cried. I was beside myself with rage, because one day the dude is kicking down your plants, the next he’s kicking in your teeth…

“Girls!” I squawked. “Don’t you EVER let some dude come over to your house and kick your plants over. You hear me? That ain’t his house. That’s YOUR house. And you better not let me hear about you crying over it neither!”

This was followed by a chorus of “Yes, Mommy” accompanied with neck rolls and declarations of woe to befall any boy foolish enough to pull such a stunt. It was a start.

But now I know I have to have more meaningful discussions with my girls about relationships and abuse. With our children being sexualized through all forms of print and electronic media, I know it’s my duty as a mother to control or contribute as much as I can to that messaging. Not doing so would be irresponsible – like letting their little hands go and allowing them to wonder on that dark path I’ve traveled on myself, or to unconsciousness on an elevator floor.

What Are Your Marital Codes?

There are all kinds of marriages: Marriages of convenience, polygamous marriages, arranged marriages, marriages to the gods. Some people even marry their pets. Today we’re going to focus on plain ol’ dull, hetero-normal, missionary position, “What do you want to eat for dinner, bae?” marriage…if that’s alright with you, dear Reader.

I like reading (certain) articles and posts about other people’s marriages. I realize that couples are not obliged to share the most intimate moments of their lives or dish out advice about what has given their relationship such longevity (or robbed it of it), so I am appreciative when they do. One article I read when hubby and I were still in the early days of our marriage stuck with me. I can’t remember the source or the author, but the husband was talking about ways in which he and his wife kept the spark alive in their marital union, now that they were the parents of small kids.

Apparently, Barney kept their marriage spicy. Yes; that Barney.

Everything's better with a friend!

Everything’s better with a friend!

It has been scientifically proven that there is an inverse relationship between the perpetual presence of children in one’s home and sexual activity, and in order to overcome this calamity the couple in question developed a code to communicate the desire for spontaneous sex.

“Who wants to watch Barney?” his would ask in a sing-song voice, pausing in the middle of whatever she was doing.

“I do, I do!” their pre-school aged children would squeal.

Dad would then pop in the VHS and the couple would be guaranteed 20-30 minutes of undisturbed, sweaty intercourse. Everyone wins.

We got titanium wedding rings with etchings similar to the One Ring

We got titanium wedding rings with etchings similar to the One Ring

I thought it was SO COOL that this pair had created their own cipher to express their individual needs – something between just the two of them. I imagine that other couples do it as well. As Lord of The Rings and Star Trek fans, Marshall and I have developed our own marital code, which I will share with you now.

*Ahem*

“Hey babe. You want to go to Deep Space Nine?”

“Sure. I’d love to launch a Class -1 probe.”

“Oh. Hold on. You might have to wait until later. Shields are up, and we’re on red alert.”

“I’ll notify engineering. Would you like the replicator to get you some chocolate?”

See? We could have that conversation in front of the kids and no one gets mentally scarred for life.

We also have nonverbal and physical cues that we employ to convey an emotion. If Marshall does something he’s particularly proud of, he will assume this stance:

Celebrity Cityriker crotch 2

This aggressive crotch thrust says “I dominated over this obstacle. I made this problem my b!tch.”

In moments when my blood sugar is running low, I may request some elevenses after which some tasty num-nums will magically appear.

hobbit

Codes and code switching are an integral part of human interaction. Minorities are often compelled to code switch when they want to get a job or decent customer service in any hospitality environment, and friends often develop codes between each other. MX5’s and my code for expressing a need to catch up on current events, for example, rests in a one word query: Coffee?

We’ve been hardwired to believe that marriage is hard and that it takes work to make it succeed. Often, this is interpreted as marriage being something to avoid. After all, “hard work” doesn’t translate as “fun”, does it? But since when does anything worth having and protecting come easy? Developing a unique set of marital codes takes dedication and work, and I’m pretty proud of the crotch thrust, high fantasy, pseudo geek/nerdy cues we’ve created together.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to journey to Isengard and vanquish an ever present enemy. Never you mind what foe awaits me!

 

Have you developed any marital codes? Maybe you never plan on getting married, so have you developed codes with those closest to you? What genre inspires your codes? I bet you’re gonna go get you some codes now, huh? Yeah…I know.

Let’s Face It: Most Pastors Aren’t Equipped to Deal with ‘Sexual Immorality’

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good, and that includes quite a number of men who stand behind their Plexiglas or stained oak pulpits Sunday after Sunday. To say that they are “heavenly minded” is even being generous, in my books. These men are usually “budget minded”, conjuring up sermons in their sleep that will create the next wave of controversy and get tongues wagging and donations flowing in.

What easier way to do this than to play the pimp?

Oh, don’t be fooled! Many men of the cloth are little more than ordained neighborhood pimps. Why do you need 4 churches on the same corner? Why are so many messages focused on money? Why is Sunday morning STILL the most segregated time of the day in America? Why does every talk surrounding sexual purity begin and end with a woman’s responsibility in the matter?

In Africa in particular, men of any faith (and pick your poison) are not generally men of learning. They read a few books in even fewer genres and draw conclusions based on something they heard Kenneth Copeland or John Hagee say in 1988. Television, movies and music are bad…unless it’s Christian television. Let me tell you something about Christian TV, folks. It’s utterly irrelevant to a lost and dying world. People have real problems, and a cute Christmas story about how one boy lost his puppy who miraculously made its way home isn’t going to provide a solution to hunger, anger or poverty.

This guy is Ian Blankson from my book, I swear!

This guy is Ian Blankson as I dreamed him from my book, I swear!

I got on a rabbit trail. I’m sorry. We were talking Pulpit Pimps. Today, I’m focusing on the ridiculous utterances of Dag Heward-Mills. For the benefit of full disclosure, I have never heard the man’s sermons, read any of his books or sat through any of his messages. I only heard about him today when someone tweeted his parable about an apple and shared the same message on Facebook. I am completely open to the possibility that his words COULD HAVE have been taken out of context, but since these words were on HIS wall and he has full control over his messaging, I have to hold him accountable in that regard. Plus, he looks like the sort of man who would vehemently defend his misogynistic remarks. Or is there another, less insidious word to describe this? I can’t think of one.

apple bishop

As much Bishops, pastors and youth leaders like to talk about sexual purity, they have NO idea about what’s going down in these here streets, let alone what leads to two people between the sheets. And because they are willfully ignorant, the easy answer to all the ills that plague society because of “sexual immorality”, is to leave it at a woman’s vaginal opening.

How many times have we heard phrases like “Ladies, close your legs to married men” or forced girls out of school because someone got them pregnant? (For the record, I hate the term ‘fall pregnant’. No one falls and gets pregnant, like it’s a scab. Someone had to intentionally insert and inseminate.) It takes two people to have sex, but the burden of protection and in this case –purity – falls strictly on one gender!

What is this?!?!

A documentary entitled “72%” has recently come out, which follows single Black women and discusses the 72% rate of Black children who are born out of wedlock. I have made it a point to watch this documentary in the near future, because I’m curious to see what kind of spin – if any – they put on the subject of single Black motherhood. Despite the picture society paints, the number of women who willingly enter into single motherhood which is in itself the engine behind the wheel of Black poverty is very low. I’ve outed myself on this very blog on numerous occasions. I never WANTED to be an unwed mother. In fact at the time of my first pregnancy, I had just come off of two years of committed celibacy. Unfortunately, I met a sexual predator, whose prowess was so magnetic that a year and a few encounters later, I was at Northside with staples in my belly and a baby in the NICU.

If pastors really want to tackle sexual immorality and keep women from become bruised, half eaten apples, perhaps they would do well to address the men who are doing the bruising and eating! After all, does an apple get up and walk into somebody’s mouth? Tsewww. Swine.

Men of the cloth have virtually NO idea what kinds of things men say or the lengths they will go to to get a woman in bed. These extremes are all a part of the cycle of shame in our civilization. Boys are ashamed to be virgins and girls are ridiculed if they are not. And because boys are socialized to be aggressive and reared to have a sense of entitlement, it only makes sense for them to run out and sleep with as many females as possible!

If these pastors knew the kinds of mind games and promises that the average run of the mill man makes to “young, unmarried women” they would easily fall prey too. But of course, they don’t have to guts to ask. I understand that they are doing it from a heart of wanting to see family whole and all that good stuff, but until they are ready to investigate and address the problem from all angles, wish they as a group would just shurrap on the matter!

So, Bishop Heward-Mills and all those who follow this philosophy that women should be “pure”, please go and talk to your sons. And to the business men. And to the radio presenters. And to the gateman at the Port Authority. Share your message of sexual purity with them too! As always, I am here to help. That is why I have created this instructional video. Taking a cue from the bishop, I too have used fruit to help me with my illustration.

You’re welcome.

Ehhh. Discuss.

What Do You Mean You’ve Never Heard of ‘Sex Shoes’?

I stared at the bride-to-be in complete astonishment. I repeated the question once more.

“Ah. What do you mean you’ve never heard of ‘sex shoes’?”

“Miss Malaka…I don’t know what that is!” she half wailed. She looked at her maid of honor for support. The young woman shook her head to indicate that she was also ignorant on the subject.

Children. I blamed the bride’s mother. She had not prepared the girl properly. There were only 2 hours left before she was scheduled to walk down the aisle to meet her groom, and not only did she not have a pair of sex shoes for her wedding night, she also had not purchased any bridal lingerie! We were in the store to buy her shoes to go with her gown (which she had managed to forget to purchase as well), but I was less concerned about that. The girl did not have sex shoes! I felt power leave me. I felt weak. Something had to be done, and fast.

sex shoeIt’s not often that I get to play Fairy Shoe Mother, so I took duties very seriously that day. After picking up a pair of pink ballet flats for the flower girls, some wedges for the young bride’s little sister, some strappy sandals for the mother of the bride and 2 pairs of heels for the woman of the hour, I felt life return to me. I had done some good in the world and I could enjoy the wedding knowing everyone was properly shod. Still, I could not ignore the fact that no one had prepared my young friend for life leading up to the moment when she would lose her virginity. I mean, it’s big deal right?

Zoe-Saldana-Bed-HeelsIt’s not like Bambi (that’s the name I’ve decided to give the bride) was going to be losing her virginity on the boys’ quarters floor in Accra with four strokes of a teenaged penis like someone else I know. She was going to have a hotel room with candles and clean sheets and the works! Losing one’s virginity is not like going to the supermarket. It’s not a mundane event. It only happens once in your life (not including the Lord’s miraculous repairing of hymen after some traumatic sexual encounter). It’s an occurrence that should be prepared for and celebrated!

Bambi does not wear heels. She has plantar fasciitis. I didn’t care. Sex shoes are not meant to be worn for an extended period of time. They are made to elicit a sense of fantasy, and are completely impractical.

“Sex shoes are to be worn from the bathroom to the bedroom,” I explained carefully. “I slide into them/strap ‘em up, strike a pose and take them off. Or he can take them off…whichever you prefer.”

Bambi looked at me with furrowed eyebrows as she slipped off her orthopedic shoes and planted her feet into the creamy satin and lace platforms that her maid of honor had picked out. Bambi wears a lot of black, we decided it would be a good idea to depart from the norm. We never got a chance to make it to the bridal lingerie shop. I saw the child leave her wedding with nothing but a shoe box, so I can only assume she improvised with a sheet (or nothing at all). You go, girl!

sex hairI took my query to the internet a few weeks ago and was appalled to discover that quite a few people had never heard of ‘sex shoes’. It is important to distinguish between a ‘sexy shoe’ and a ‘sex shoe’. Like ‘sexy hair’ (which is precisely barrel-curled and gently tousled) and ‘sex hair’ (which is often flat on one side, frizzy and disheveled), there are peculiar distinctions. Sexy shoes are practical. You can wear them to work – and with the right outfit – possibly to church as well. You will get compliments on a sexy shoe if worn in public. These will range from:

“Oooh… GIRL! Those shoes are hot!”

“Where did you get those shoes?”

zoesaldana107952119-419x591

And

“Oh. My. Gawd.”

However if one wears a sex shoe is public, reactions will likely be a bit more tepid.

“Don’t those hurt your feet?”

“Where you headin’ in those bad boys?”

sex shoe3

And

“Wow… Okay.”

A disapproving sneer may accompany these comments.

Finally, sex shoes should not be mistaken for stripper shoes, which due to their plastic/Lucite nature are ideal for pole climbing and vaulting. Remember, just because a woman strips for money does not mean she sells her sex for it.

stripper-shoes-dancer

I firmly believe every woman in a committed relationship should own a pair of sex shoes, even if shoes aren’t your “thing”. It’s always good to be prepared! Women love adornment, and it’s just as important to adorn your feet as it is your hair, writs or neck.

I owned a pair once. They hurt like the torment of hell itself, but my Father, were they beautiful. They were a round toe, topaz colored affair adorned with the plumage of some unknown arboreal creature. Gem stones dotted the straps. What outfit could I wear that with? And to where? It’s the bedroom alone, innit! My husband says he’s never seen them, and he’s right. They were a half size too small and I gave them away before I had a chance to use them for the occasion for which they were purchased! It’s hard to find sex shoes in a size 10.

Now that you know what a pair of sex shoes looks like, are you inspired to buy yourself a pair? Do you own a pair (or several)? What is your favorite store to shop for fantasy shoes? And if shoes are not your necessary accessory for the boudoir, what is? Discuss! ↓