Category Archives: Marriage

Let’s Face It: Most Pastors Aren’t Equipped to Deal with ‘Sexual Immorality’

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good, and that includes quite a number of men who stand behind their Plexiglas or stained oak pulpits Sunday after Sunday. To say that they are “heavenly minded” is even being generous, in my books. These men are usually “budget minded”, conjuring up sermons in their sleep that will create the next wave of controversy and get tongues wagging and donations flowing in.

What easier way to do this than to play the pimp?

Oh, don’t be fooled! Many men of the cloth are little more than ordained neighborhood pimps. Why do you need 4 churches on the same corner? Why are so many messages focused on money? Why is Sunday morning STILL the most segregated time of the day in America? Why does every talk surrounding sexual purity begin and end with a woman’s responsibility in the matter?

In Africa in particular, men of any faith (and pick your poison) are not generally men of learning. They read a few books in even fewer genres and draw conclusions based on something they heard Kenneth Copeland or John Hagee say in 1988. Television, movies and music are bad…unless it’s Christian television. Let me tell you something about Christian TV, folks. It’s utterly irrelevant to a lost and dying world. People have real problems, and a cute Christmas story about how one boy lost his puppy who miraculously made its way home isn’t going to provide a solution to hunger, anger or poverty.

This guy is Ian Blankson from my book, I swear!

This guy is Ian Blankson as I dreamed him from my book, I swear!

I got on a rabbit trail. I’m sorry. We were talking Pulpit Pimps. Today, I’m focusing on the ridiculous utterances of Dag Heward-Mills. For the benefit of full disclosure, I have never heard the man’s sermons, read any of his books or sat through any of his messages. I only heard about him today when someone tweeted his parable about an apple and shared the same message on Facebook. I am completely open to the possibility that his words COULD HAVE have been taken out of context, but since these words were on HIS wall and he has full control over his messaging, I have to hold him accountable in that regard. Plus, he looks like the sort of man who would vehemently defend his misogynistic remarks. Or is there another, less insidious word to describe this? I can’t think of one.

apple bishop

As much Bishops, pastors and youth leaders like to talk about sexual purity, they have NO idea about what’s going down in these here streets, let alone what leads to two people between the sheets. And because they are willfully ignorant, the easy answer to all the ills that plague society because of “sexual immorality”, is to leave it at a woman’s vaginal opening.

How many times have we heard phrases like “Ladies, close your legs to married men” or forced girls out of school because someone got them pregnant? (For the record, I hate the term ‘fall pregnant’. No one falls and gets pregnant, like it’s a scab. Someone had to intentionally insert and inseminate.) It takes two people to have sex, but the burden of protection and in this case –purity – falls strictly on one gender!

What is this?!?!

A documentary entitled “72%” has recently come out, which follows single Black women and discusses the 72% rate of Black children who are born out of wedlock. I have made it a point to watch this documentary in the near future, because I’m curious to see what kind of spin – if any – they put on the subject of single Black motherhood. Despite the picture society paints, the number of women who willingly enter into single motherhood which is in itself the engine behind the wheel of Black poverty is very low. I’ve outed myself on this very blog on numerous occasions. I never WANTED to be an unwed mother. In fact at the time of my first pregnancy, I had just come off of two years of committed celibacy. Unfortunately, I met a sexual predator, whose prowess was so magnetic that a year and a few encounters later, I was at Northside with staples in my belly and a baby in the NICU.

If pastors really want to tackle sexual immorality and keep women from become bruised, half eaten apples, perhaps they would do well to address the men who are doing the bruising and eating! After all, does an apple get up and walk into somebody’s mouth? Tsewww. Swine.

Men of the cloth have virtually NO idea what kinds of things men say or the lengths they will go to to get a woman in bed. These extremes are all a part of the cycle of shame in our civilization. Boys are ashamed to be virgins and girls are ridiculed if they are not. And because boys are socialized to be aggressive and reared to have a sense of entitlement, it only makes sense for them to run out and sleep with as many females as possible!

If these pastors knew the kinds of mind games and promises that the average run of the mill man makes to “young, unmarried women” they would easily fall prey too. But of course, they don’t have to guts to ask. I understand that they are doing it from a heart of wanting to see family whole and all that good stuff, but until they are ready to investigate and address the problem from all angles, wish they as a group would just shurrap on the matter!

So, Bishop Heward-Mills and all those who follow this philosophy that women should be “pure”, please go and talk to your sons. And to the business men. And to the radio presenters. And to the gateman at the Port Authority. Share your message of sexual purity with them too! As always, I am here to help. That is why I have created this instructional video. Taking a cue from the bishop, I too have used fruit to help me with my illustration.

You’re welcome.

Ehhh. Discuss.

What Do You Mean You’ve Never Heard of ‘Sex Shoes’?

I stared at the bride-to-be in complete astonishment. I repeated the question once more.

“Ah. What do you mean you’ve never heard of ‘sex shoes’?”

“Miss Malaka…I don’t know what that is!” she half wailed. She looked at her maid of honor for support. The young woman shook her head to indicate that she was also ignorant on the subject.

Children. I blamed the bride’s mother. She had not prepared the girl properly. There were only 2 hours left before she was scheduled to walk down the aisle to meet her groom, and not only did she not have a pair of sex shoes for her wedding night, she also had not purchased any bridal lingerie! We were in the store to buy her shoes to go with her gown (which she had managed to forget to purchase as well), but I was less concerned about that. The girl did not have sex shoes! I felt power leave me. I felt weak. Something had to be done, and fast.

sex shoeIt’s not often that I get to play Fairy Shoe Mother, so I took duties very seriously that day. After picking up a pair of pink ballet flats for the flower girls, some wedges for the young bride’s little sister, some strappy sandals for the mother of the bride and 2 pairs of heels for the woman of the hour, I felt life return to me. I had done some good in the world and I could enjoy the wedding knowing everyone was properly shod. Still, I could not ignore the fact that no one had prepared my young friend for life leading up to the moment when she would lose her virginity. I mean, it’s big deal right?

Zoe-Saldana-Bed-HeelsIt’s not like Bambi (that’s the name I’ve decided to give the bride) was going to be losing her virginity on the boys’ quarters floor in Accra with four strokes of a teenaged penis like someone else I know. She was going to have a hotel room with candles and clean sheets and the works! Losing one’s virginity is not like going to the supermarket. It’s not a mundane event. It only happens once in your life (not including the Lord’s miraculous repairing of hymen after some traumatic sexual encounter). It’s an occurrence that should be prepared for and celebrated!

Bambi does not wear heels. She has plantar fasciitis. I didn’t care. Sex shoes are not meant to be worn for an extended period of time. They are made to elicit a sense of fantasy, and are completely impractical.

“Sex shoes are to be worn from the bathroom to the bedroom,” I explained carefully. “I slide into them/strap ‘em up, strike a pose and take them off. Or he can take them off…whichever you prefer.”

Bambi looked at me with furrowed eyebrows as she slipped off her orthopedic shoes and planted her feet into the creamy satin and lace platforms that her maid of honor had picked out. Bambi wears a lot of black, we decided it would be a good idea to depart from the norm. We never got a chance to make it to the bridal lingerie shop. I saw the child leave her wedding with nothing but a shoe box, so I can only assume she improvised with a sheet (or nothing at all). You go, girl!

sex hairI took my query to the internet a few weeks ago and was appalled to discover that quite a few people had never heard of ‘sex shoes’. It is important to distinguish between a ‘sexy shoe’ and a ‘sex shoe’. Like ‘sexy hair’ (which is precisely barrel-curled and gently tousled) and ‘sex hair’ (which is often flat on one side, frizzy and disheveled), there are peculiar distinctions. Sexy shoes are practical. You can wear them to work – and with the right outfit – possibly to church as well. You will get compliments on a sexy shoe if worn in public. These will range from:

“Oooh… GIRL! Those shoes are hot!”

“Where did you get those shoes?”

zoesaldana107952119-419x591

And

“Oh. My. Gawd.”

However if one wears a sex shoe is public, reactions will likely be a bit more tepid.

“Don’t those hurt your feet?”

“Where you headin’ in those bad boys?”

sex shoe3

And

“Wow… Okay.”

A disapproving sneer may accompany these comments.

Finally, sex shoes should not be mistaken for stripper shoes, which due to their plastic/Lucite nature are ideal for pole climbing and vaulting. Remember, just because a woman strips for money does not mean she sells her sex for it.

stripper-shoes-dancer

I firmly believe every woman in a committed relationship should own a pair of sex shoes, even if shoes aren’t your “thing”. It’s always good to be prepared! Women love adornment, and it’s just as important to adorn your feet as it is your hair, writs or neck.

I owned a pair once. They hurt like the torment of hell itself, but my Father, were they beautiful. They were a round toe, topaz colored affair adorned with the plumage of some unknown arboreal creature. Gem stones dotted the straps. What outfit could I wear that with? And to where? It’s the bedroom alone, innit! My husband says he’s never seen them, and he’s right. They were a half size too small and I gave them away before I had a chance to use them for the occasion for which they were purchased! It’s hard to find sex shoes in a size 10.

Now that you know what a pair of sex shoes looks like, are you inspired to buy yourself a pair? Do you own a pair (or several)? What is your favorite store to shop for fantasy shoes? And if shoes are not your necessary accessory for the boudoir, what is? Discuss! ↓

 

 

Is Marriage The Silver Bullet to Ending Poverty?

There has been an interesting discussion brewing in social media about the benefits of marriage as they relate to “ending poverty”. It’s no mistake that this discussion is taking place now. We’re in an election year and politicians are pandering to their respective bases. Everyone, Democrat or Republican, wants to be seen as serious on the issue of poverty reduction, but as is to be expected, they cannot seem to agree on how to handle it. What’s even more frightening is that they cannot be seen as agreeing on how to tackle the issue. There’s a dirty word in Washington called “bipartisan”, and few politicians want to be called the “b” word.

The Heritage Foundation has termed marriage as “America’s #1 Weapon Against Childhood Poverty”, and for good reason. The statistics speak for themselves. Children who live in two parent households are less like to have behavioral problems and perform better in school. One in eight children with two married parents lives below the poverty line compared to the poverty of 65% of children residing in female-headed households. When you have a better foundation to launch from, it gives one the opportunity to build generational wealth. It takes three generations to build wealth: one to generate an idea, the second to perfect its method, and the third to propagate it.

The converse is true as well. A poverty mentality is generational.

Photo courtesy of Black Girls Code

Photo courtesy of Black Girls Code

As it relates to proliferation of childhood poverty, many have argued that this has more to do with the feminization of poverty than it has to do with the benefits of marriage. Women today make 72 cents for every dollar a man earns doing the same job. It is by no mistake that web designers and mechanics out earn daycare workers and teachers, despite the fact that neither job is more taxing than the other. Even in a society as egalitarian as ours (relatively speaking), there has long been a push to bar or discourage women from certain kinds of work or study – including math, science and mechanics – because it’s not considered suitable to their gender. It is only in recent years that there has been a push for STEM programs targeting young girls, especially African American girls, which I find particularly pleasing. No one has been more vilified and demonized for her poverty than the young, single Black mother.

It is well documented that poverty in the Black community was engineered by the American government. At its advent, it was stipulated that in order to get welfare benefits and social assistance, a poor mother had to be single with no male above the age of 18 (i.e. of working age) living in the home. Between 1960 and 1985 when the welfare culture exploded, under/unemployed Black males were driven from their homes to ensure the survival of their children. As a result, Black mothers took on the reluctant role of both mother and father and an entire welfare culture was created. It’s a daunting and humiliating experience. When I found myself pregnant and unwed with my first child, my first foray into the sordid world of welfare was to the WIC office on Roswell Rd in Sandy Springs. It’s as though every person hired in that office was screened for the ability to make a woman feel less than a failure, like she was born to be an intentional drain on society. I’ll never forget a blue and white sign that hung by the exit door that read “Get a job, so that your child will not be the next person on welfare”. I looked around at the young women: college students, retail and fast food workers, and para-professionals like myself, and wondered what they thought of it. For my part, I felt violently ill.

Isn’t it ironic that when a rural farmer applies for a government subsidy, he is not asked to put his wife out of the home to obtain it? Or when the CEOs of the banking and automobile industry went with cap in hand to the government for a bail out, they were not required to break up their families? But the government has no problem separating the families of the poor and colored. Interesting.

And no, we can’t blame this on one party or another. Both Republicans AND Democrats are guilty of the demise of the Black family. They created our nation’s dreaded Welfare Queens and crowned them with food stamps and SNAP cards. I wonder if they are proud.

It’s not often that I get to agree with my hardcore feminist sisters, but in the instance of marriage failing to be the silver bullet to ending poverty, I do. Marriage alone doesn’t end poverty: equality, education and opportunity do. There are many cultures in developing nations where marriage is a priority – the priority in some cases – and their poverty levels are far more abysmal than those of the United States’. If marriage alone could cure poverty, then all my sisters in the Serengeti would be flushed with wealth. After all, they marry them off young and circumcised, don’t they?

The best thing a woman can do for her family is to educate herself, travel, learn new languages and earn an independent income for herself. That is how we will reduce poverty in this nation and the world over. That is how we will build generational wealth…or self-sufficiency at the least.

The truth is we can do our best to manage poverty, but it will never truly be eliminated. Jesus said so Himself.

 

Mark 14:7 “You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But you will not always have me.”

Don’t believe the hype. Get married if you want to, but unless you’re marrying Ben Bernanke or Oprah, don’t assume for one moment that it’s going to zap all your money woes.

The Charmed Life of the Female Bowerbird

Men. They are SO convinced that they are at the apex of the animal kingdom; that by virtue of the fact that they are men, they are inherently superior to all other life on earth.

When a man encounters an animal that runs faster, swims quicker or is more ferocious in the face of conflict, what does he do? He builds a bullet or a harpoon to destroy the “lesser” being. This is the only way to secure his self-anointed status as the premier being of the animal kingdom! Every day, men set out to prove this idea to themselves, to their male counterparts, and to the women they are compelled to woo and despise for their need to woo. But for all their brawn and bravado, there is one being in the animal kingdom that the human male will never be more accomplished than – and that’s the Vogelkop Bowerbird.

Look at this. Look, I say!

That’s right. No matter how many nouveau mansions Kimora Lee Simmons allows Russell to buy her, none will EVER be as fabulous as the female Vogelkop Bowerbird. In fact, I don’t think there is a woman alive or yet to be born who could hope to have as attentive or dedicated a mate in the wooing process as the bowerbird. We may as well give up hope as a race!

Sometimes I look around on social media and listen to the complaints of men in awe.

Are you really griping because you spent fifty bucks on pizza and two movie tickets to see Captain America?

Bowerbird, niggro.

Dude, you want this chick to get naked and give you sex in exchange for what? Or yeah – that’s right – having sex in exchange for something makes her a “whore”, so you’d rather her be a fool and get nothing in return when a FREAKING BIRD spends two years gathering beetles of the same hue and building the equivalent of Jefferson’s Monticello by beak to woo a potential mate.

Bowerbird, NIGGRO!

Huh? You said what? Money can buy love because women fear poverty? How much money do you actually have? It’s not like you’re Bill Gates on your under $35K a year job. What can you really afford that’s of value? Oh wait, you don’t have to BUY anything to get love…you might try some freaking innovation, creativity and dedication to your cause as you immolate what? Say it with me:

A BOWERBIRD, NIGGRO!

About a year ago, I got caught watching videos of the male bowerbird and found myself quite perplexed. I mean, how was this possible? Female bowerbirds are single mothers and do not ‘need’ the companionship of the male. They only use them for mating and then live solitary lives. I’m sure this suits the male bowerbird just fine, but how is it that a bird can put so much more effort into getting laid than a human man who gets a college degree (at best) or sells crack on the corner (at worst) does? The bowerbird doesn’t turn around and complain about how much he spent on a date. You know what he does? He develops a number of songs in different timbres to attract the right female!

bowerbirdIt’s absolutely incredible. I think about how far the concept of romance has fallen with the advent of technology. I mourn for the hapless girls in my neighborhood walking to the corner store or the bus stop as scrub males lean out of the side of their cars, cat-calling and making obscene remarks at their retreating backsides. It breaks my heart. I know that in this 21st Century environment, they will NEVER be spoken to as the queens that they were born to be. We are not raising gentlemen in our society anymore: just ill-mannered dudes who broadcast their seed like rogue Monsanto germs on a windy day. I desperately want to run up to these girls and cry out “Take heart! Though you will never have the fortune of being wed to a bowerbird, you can at least hope for something better!”

After all, crows are very fond of stealing shiny things – such as tin foil and dimes – and bringing them back to the nest to boast to the murder.(That’s what a family of crows is called by the way. A “murder”. Why do black things have to be identified by so sinister a name?) If a man can’t be a bowerbird, he can at least aspire to be a crow.

I read somewhere that a bowerbird bower was once adorned with a chandelier that the male had built out of string, bottle caps, flower petals and twigs. And you’re really going to sit up here and complain because the chick you asked out refused to “give it up” right after you purchased the 2 for $20 fried chicken dinner? When was the first or last time you crafted something with your mouth? Man…You know what? Duck you.

Well Malaka, what does the male bowerbird get in return for all his efforts, you ask. Why should he toil and strain and slog just to win the affections of a female? For the same reason the human male does (or should), I suppose: To satisfy his ego…and because he is convinced of his excellence and is dead set on proving it to the world.

There’s a scripture in the Dating Torah that every woman should read and recite:

Seek ye the bowerbird

Consider his ways and choose your mate wisely.

 

Okay; fine. There is no Dating Torah. I made it up. But if there was, this scripture would be in there, right under Rules for Leaving Your Pubic Hair on the Toilet Seat!

 

Are you dating/married to a bowerbird? Would you want to be? Is it too much for a woman to ask for color coordinated beetle wings and vibrant fungus??? Discuss! ↓

Could You Marry a Man who Has Had HUNDREDS of Sexual Partners?

Whew! MOM Squad. This is the question that has been burning on my mind all weekend. I must unburden myself. In the process, I’m going to do my best not to disclose anything that might give this couple away in case they are watching this space, but let’s get into it!

I got a call a little over a month ago from a man who used to be a friend of mine. He was weeping. Sniveling like a child who’d had his favorite toffee stolen from him by the schoolyard bully. I rolled my eyes and asked him why he was calling.

“I know you’re going to think I’m an a**hole for asking you this, but I really need a friend right now,” he sobbed. “Can you tell me what you like about me, and what you don’t like about me?”

Que? Where was all this coming from, I wondered? And better still, why was he calling to ask ME? As he said, we were not friends, and he knew he had some gall asking me to be one to him in that moment. At his request, I rattled down a short list of his vices. He was a liar, a thief, he broke and made promises he didn’t intend to keep.

“But you’re a liar, above all,” I reiterated. “However I think you try to be a good person and you have a good sense of humor.”

What else was there to say? Nothing, for my part. He began to rattle off a list of what he thought his best attributes were. I sat and listened silently. Then he started to weep some more. He was afraid that he didn’t deserve anything good in life, that he had done so much dirt in his life that it would haunt him, and that he didn’t deserve to get married.

“Ah. This sounds like something you need to talk to your fiancé about, not me,” I retorted.

He was silent for a moment, until he concluded that he would talk to her.

“I think it’s important that you start your marriage off with honesty,” I advised. “If there are things in your past that are haunting you, and furthermore have you calling me for solace, then you need to talk to her about them so that they don’t crop up later in your marriage. You’ve hurt a lot of people.”

“Oh, she knows everything,” he said brightly. “I’ve told her everything, and she says she doesn’t care about the past. That’s why I love her so much.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about,” I replied sardonically.

I recently had the opportunity to meet my former friend’s fiancé by chance. The meeting was unremarkable. We shook hands, obligatorily stated that it was ‘nice to meet’ each other, and went our separate ways. Knowing him as well as I do, I had to wonder about her. She is slight in build, light skinned, shoulder length hair. There is nothing about her that is noteworthy. She literally could potentially commit the perfect crime and get away with it, because she so effectively fades into the scenery.

In regards to my former acquaintance and his lurid, rampant sexual past and his newest conquest, I know that there are a few possible scenarios:

i)                    He did not tell her everything about what he’s done in the past, and if he did, he glossed over the details without entertaining questions

ii)                   He DID tell her everything and she is desperate or unquestionably stupid

iii)                 He told her nothing at all and spun me a tale to save face. Telling her nothing ensures that he gets to keep his meal ticket, as I have come to understand she is quite well-to-do and he has a track record of depending on women to finance his lifestyle.

Could she really know that his man has had hundreds (and this is not exaggeration) of sexual partners, that he has a heap of abortions to his credit and kids littered about the country – nay, the globe – that he either doesn’t provide for financially or barely does at all AND STILL NOT CARE??? Why…because she “loves “ him? Well, this is America, and Black women actually are that desperate. So much of the Black female population suffers from emotional destitution that they become willing martyrs for the cause of gaining that elusive fairytale we’ve all been sold. I suppose this is why you can end up marrying a drug head, a wife beater, or a man-whore who has slept with HUNDREDS of women and still not care!

Good, heavenly Gawd.

I once had an airline stewardess give me a sage bit of advice. She said: “No matter who you are, you are somebody’s cup of tea.” I suppose she was right. You can’t be a king if you don’t have a court jester, can you?

What say you, MOM Squad? Is this too judgmental on my part? Ladies (and gentlemen too) would/could you be able to commit to someone who has willingly had so much sex – protected and otherwise – with multiple partners? Furthermore, what are you risking when you decide not to care about anything in your partners past? Discuss! ↓

Black Men Want to Be Treated Like Pets

A more fair title would have been ‘SOME Black Men Want to be Treated Like Pets’, but the little quantifier – some – wouldn’t’ve made you click as quickly on this link as you did, would it? Welcome to my little web. Muahahahahaaaa….!!!!

I shan’t keep you long at all. This is a hard core, two minute rant. It’s all the time I need.

Can I tell you something, MOM Squad, Random Readers and Trolls? I’m sick. And I’m tired. I’m sick of certain Black men relying on this pervasive, trusted Gold Digger Meme when they can conjure no other intelligent alternative, and I’m tired of Black men lumping all Black women in the same decrepit, disgusting kettle as the low-life women they choose to associate with.

There; I said it. And if you ask your momma she’ll agree with me.

Have you seen this video?

It came out in 2012 to mixed reaction. Some people thought it was the most ‘hilarious thing they’d ever seen’, and others took great offense to it. Generally, the people who found deep humor in this plot are the same broad intellectuals who found the infamous Harriet Tubman skit funny. I saw it, and was content to disregard it until I read a post on Facebook that showed me we still have SO FAR TO GO. The person is no longer my friend (in neither the virtual nor real sense), so I will have to paraphrase the status that has sent me into such a tailspin of disgust, despair and anger.

“Relationships in Ghana are transactional. Whereas women in the West are interested and appreciate a man for his personal attributes like kindness or intelligence, Ghanaian women are only interested in how much money you have to buy a house, shoes, cars…”

He used a plethora of emojis to illustrate his status, which was sad, considering that this man is nearly 40 years old and should know how to use appropriate verbs and nouns… or at least access the Miriam-Webster app to help him out.

I didn’t confront him on his wall, instead choosing to make my feelings known on my own e-real estate, which I will share with you now:

All these Black men yammering about Black women – whether they be on the Continent or in the Diaspora  – only wanting to be in relationship for transactional gain, and worse, comparing these women to the extolled perceived virtue of Western (read White) women are hypocrites of the highest order. As thought a Black woman didn’t give you life. As though it wasn’t Black female hands who nursed you when you were sick. As though the woman whose internet/cellular plan you’re using right now to expound this primordial thoughts herself is not Black! Shame on you all!

Every relationship is transactional in some form. If you’re so pious, why don’t you get up and go to work for your employer (if you have one) for free? Are you also not involved in a “transactional relationship” with the corporation who signs your check? Even the air you are breathing right now is based on some form of transaction. You breathe out carbon dioxide and the trees, in all their benevolence provide you with clean oxygen to breathe back. Idiots.

Let me tell you something about women in general. It doesn’t matter where you live or where you’re from, there are women who will only want you for what you can provide materially. That goes for Canadian women, Peruvian women, French women and yes, even Ghanaian women. The converse is equally true, where some women would never give you the privilege of providing for them because of insipid reactions like this. And yes, providing for a woman IS a privilege.

You Black men of this particular order, so quick in your judgments to tell Black women to close their legs, to knight us as Gold Diggers, to christen us ratchet…I can’t begin to express how violently ill you all make me. I’m sick of fighting for a group of people who cannot stand up for me. You will NEVER find a woman more dedicated to the cause of the Black male than the Black woman, yet you continue to spit on us. What’s worse? After you’ve found your precious prize – a woman with skin like milk – you come crawling back to our beds so that we can birth your bastard Black children. How many of you have admitted to me in private that though you love your wives/girlfriends, you still want a “Black boy that looks like you”? Am I supposed to feel pity for your choices?

Tsewwww….

You lapdog of a Black man! You really think these women are interested in you merely because you are “kind”? Don’t fool yourself. She wants her nice house just as much as we do.  In most cases, when dealing with African men in particular, it’s because they are intrigued by the mystique of the Black man; by what they cannot understand and have never known. There is no mysterious aura for Black men as for Black women to be in awe of. We can read you. We KNOW you. This is why when I told said man in reference when he half-threatened to come at me swinging that NO ONE was scared of him swingin’, he backed off, tucked tail and was compelled to hit the unfriend button. How can I be scared of someone I gave birth to? I’m his momma and his momma is me!

I have never wanted to be at war with Black men. I grew up with a loving, wonderful Black father and a fantastic little brother who has morphed into an even better Black man. I support Black men because for the longest time, all we had was EACH OTHER.  I don’t understand this train of thought that some of you single cell-brained organisms employ. It’s like you barely have cognitive capacity. Have you ever heard a Chinese or Caucasian male disparage their women in the manner and frequency that you do? And yet the Chinese and Caucasian woman has the same expectations (if not more) that the Black woman does: that you get up, go to work, dream of a vision for your family and yes – provide. These are just the basic requirements of being a man…but some of you – and enough to form an entire special group – want to be treated like pet projects. You want a woman to Molly coddle you, tell you how wonderful you are when you just for getting out of bed, and bankroll your lifestyle. I believe you call it “pimping”. Whatever. You’re a project, not a catch, and you are the type of men we all need to be content to let women of other races have.

But do me this ONE favor, will you? Instead of casting a shadow of blame and ridicule over ALL Black women, consider the dating pool from which you’re fishing and examine yourself.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.

It Took a Man To Help Me Understand Why Oprah Never Married

The Championships - Wimbledon 2013: Day OneCondi Rice is back in the news. It appears she has been tapped to join a 12-18 person selection committee for the BCS. Pat Dye, 70-something year old former Auburn University coach, couldn’t be more explicit his displeasure. Of Ms. Rice’s experience he says “All she knows about football is what somebody told her. Or what she read in a book, or what she saw on television. To understand football, you’ve got to play with your hand in the dirt.”

Indeed.

Considering that virtually every political pundit on television in this country has never run for (let alone held) office, or that male gynecologists have never given birth to babies, I’d say that Ms. Rice is in right good company. Most everyone we consider to be an “expert” in a given field learned what they know through a book and/or someone telling them about it. Quelle horreur!

I have to wonder about Mr. Dye’s utterances. Are they racist? Sexist? Just plain crazy or a mixture of all three? I surreptitiously posed the question on Facebook to see what the feedback would be, and the response I got from one gentleman in particular was so breathtakingly regressive that it made my heart skip a beat. What did he have to say, you ask?

condi single

Is she still single? What on God’s Good Green Earth does that have to do with the topic of her expertise? This is Condoleezza Rice we’re talking about here! Concert pianist, pro-grade golf playing, former Secretary of State to the last bloody Super Power on the bloody globe and you want to know if she is still single??

And then it hit me and my bewilderment was replaced with a flood of enlightenment: Oprah was right.

Just come with me. I’ll show you what I mean.

In a recent interview, Oprah Winfrey (who is one of the wealthiest people on the planet, and certainly one of the richest Black women) was asked if she would ever marry Stedman, her beau of nearly 30 years. She answered emphatically (and with finality) that she would “probably leave this Earth an unmarried woman.” I’m sure quite a few clergy men and women’s souls along with their garb were rent asunder all over the Black community with that utterance. How could Oprah champion such a notion? That a woman should not be married? Isn’t that the prize we as a gender all strive for – to be some man’s personal trinket… err wife? According to the likes of Mr. McKinney, it is. Because after all, what is a woman if she is unmarried?

Many years ago when Oprah’s show was still on the air, she walked into the audience holding a personal camera so that people could get a view from her perspective of what it’s like to walk into a live studio audience on the Oprah Show. As women (and men) squealed, applauded and threw their hands up adoringly as she approached, Oprah said from behind the camera:

“This… THIS is why I never got married.”

You could hear the smile in her voice. I remember sitting on the couch with a baby in my lap feeling highly offended. What did she mean “this is why she never got married”? So some people clap for you and you get to talk on a stage, and…and so what? Fast forward a decade later and I finally get what she meant. It wasn’t the applause itself she was referring to; it was her accomplishments; her struggle, sweat and effort thus far that had brought her to that pivotal moment in time. She was Oprah- no last name needed -Winfrey.  Could she really have gotten that far, as a Black woman, with a ring on her finger? History and sociology says not.

Like all women, Black women live under a certain set of expectations. Oprah herself said one of such expectations of a wife is for her to “come home sometime”. And it’s true. A man generally wants his wife at home, unless he’s cheating on her. Oprah, like Condi Rice, does a great deal of traveling to support her work. Unlike men, women are expected to hold down the home front and keep it comfortable for their partner’s return. But when you’re trying to change or save the world, you can’t be worried about whether or not your husband ate that morning or if he remembered to take out the trash or even if he’s feeling lonely for any length of time. They say behind every great/successful man, there is a (strong) woman, but who is championing the cause of women in their quest for equal measures of greatness or success?

Let’s just be very clear here: women do not NEED men. Little girls do. This is why they start selling the idea of marriage to little girls as early was “they” can, before she has a chance to discover her power and potential.

A woman’s relationship with a man is all about her level of maturity. A woman wants a man, but in that same vein a mature woman knows that the absence or presence of a man in her life is not going to end, or more importantly, define her existence. The Bible says so.

Genesis 2:18 says:

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

It is not good. For MAN to be alone. I will make a HELPER suitable for him.

Men need women because MEN need help, not the other way round. You ask any woman over a certain age and she’ll tell you that all she needs in this world is a great work of fiction, some good food and a gaggle of friends and she’ll live a long, happy and healthy life. The most valuable gift a man can offer a woman is the gift of companionship, and good companions don’t hold each other back. I can’t think of a single man who has the courage to be defined as “Mrs. Winfrey” or “Mrs. Rice”, which is why these women and those like them will remain unmarried. Men are just too weak.

The next time some barrel chested bloke or some gossipy woman with no ambitions other than to dress herself up to attract said barrel chested bloke poke fun at you or any other woman in her pursuit of excellence, keep that in mind.

Is Condoleezza Rice still single indeed? Yes! Probably… and good for her!