I have recently become fascinated with doppelgangers and the idea that we, as humanity, are all connected in some way. The post I am about to share with you has been dismissed as far-fetched, but this is the Mind of Malaka, daggonit! If dubiousness can’t find comfort here, where else shall it go?
I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but that slimy troll – Russell Simmons, someone whom I’ve been content to dismiss for the last 20+ years – took up quite a bit of my keyboard time and gray matter. At the close of this post I’m going to initiate an African Diaspora Draft and propose that the Nigerians take him and deal with him. He is a master of 419, that Simmons guy… peddling his RUSH cards and poor quality clothes at high prices to the sheepish masses for his own fame and gain.
That said; Are you ready for the African Diaspora Draft? It’s time!
Vanessa Williams recently went on a journey to discover what her genetic make-up comprises of and what her ancestral roots are. The results were shocking. She’s 23% Ghanaian and a smattering of other races and ethnicities. You can read about it here. A quick glance at Ms. Williams and you would agree that she doesn’t LOOK Ghanaian, at least not like any Ghanaians I know – but chromosomes don’t lie. She’s majority Ghana fuo. Probably a Fante. You know how they like those brofos3m things.
Of course, this got me to thinking about other visible African Americans and what their roots may be. I look around and see the distinct features of Fulani in some women and undeniable Wolof traits in more than one sagging trouser donning, gold tooth fronting area boy. Sometimes I’m tempted to run up to them and say “Hey! You have a village in Senegal. You probably have a cousin looking for you!” But then, this is Atlanta, and I stand a better chance of being knifed than they do getting on a plane in an attempt to connect with their roots. No matter. I’ve done the work for them and I have claimed the following celebrities for Ghana.
John Amos & Kwasi Gyekye
I mean, just look at their noses and the look of jocular nonchalance plastered on both their faces. These are men who have faced incredible hardship in one capacity or another but still have the fortitude to find the joy in life. John Amos. If you are reading this, you are from Larteh. Please go and buy some Schnapps and visit your people. A gift of apketeshie is equally appreciated.
Khandi Burruss & Abena Amoah
Khandi, I’d like to introduce you to your fifth cousin, Abena. Abena, here’s Khandi. You should both be pleased with each other’s accomplishments. Khandi is an award winning singer and songwriter, and Abena is an accomplished investment banker with an impressive portfolio. You both like money and are good with it. You should get to know each other and build something fantastic for Ghana. I dunno… maybe develop a new currency that sings? I’m just throwing some stuff out there. Khandi has singing vibrators in her sex toy line. Anything is possible!
Franchesca Ramsey & Me!!!
This is by all means my favorite kinda-ganger (we’re not really TWINS), but we do share an uncanny resemblance. Plus, we have very similar quirks and facial expressions. Visit Franchesca’s YouTube Channel and you’ll see what I mean. She’s part hilarious, part silly, half serious and all amazing. Kinda like…
Who? Me? Oh, you flatter me!
I was going to do John Legend and Ashiatey Tei, but the boy has taken all his information off of the internet. I didn’t know you could do that! If there are any Motowners out there in tough with Ashiatey, tell him to stop being a spoiled sport and send me his picture for the Diaspora Draft!
Africans and African Americans: Who do you look like? Have you ever seen someone on the bus or at the grocery store and thought to yourself “Gosh. That person could be my kin!”?
Do you think any of the people above resemble each other, or am I presenting purple squirrels? Oya! My Naija brethren. Please don’t forget to come and collect your Russell Simmons. We don’t want unlearned iiiidiots in our country. Take him to Papa Wole so that he can learn him some small sense.
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…. 11 hours later…..
John Legend & Ashiatey Tei
Look what we have, courtesy of @a_aboagye and her impeccable
stalking sleuthing skills! Well done girl. John, meet Ashiatey. Ashiatey, you know John, of course. The pair of you have quite a bit in common. Mr. Tei is a resident of Cincinnati, Ohio and you’re a former resident of Springfield, Ohio! Ashiatey works in advertising – and you; well, you make hits and make middle-aged women swoon. What’s uncanny about the pair of you long, lost cousins is that despite time, distance and the horrors of the trans Atlantic slave trade that separated the pair of you, you STILL ended up with the same penchant for a peculiar sort of accessories: grey jackets and skinny black ties.
What? You guys thought I was talking about their dates? Oh grow up! John, if you’re reading this, you’re a Ga. And if you have an unexplainable fondness for canoes and the ocean, now you know why.