Hey Ladies! If you’re single, it’s all your fault.

Married women are only married because they understood men before they jumped the broom/tied the knot. You don’t gain this knowledge afterward, which is why women who have been single for 20+ years will continue to be so until they wise up!

This is for ALL the ladies who just WANT a man so bad, and keep ending up in failed relationships. I’m sticking up for the fellas. I’m so sick of books, movies and songs talking about what a woman wants, and how to give her what she needs. What about the dudes? Anybody ever consider them? Perhaps I’m being partial because I’m about to have a son myself, and I would want any woman who he would consider dating to understand his needs as a man…or just understand men in general.

Here are some tips:

1. Men cannot multi-task: They can’t cook breakfast, get dressed, and talk to you at the same time. If he’s on his job, at the gym or wherever else it is his day takes him and you happen to call him when he cannot completely focus on your call, he will either a) seem distracted during the conversation, or if he’s really nice, b) offer to call you right back. He’s not being dismissive. Men cannot walk and chew gum at the same time. Deal with it. You only have a right to get upset if he does not call you back within 24 hours as promised.

2. Not every man is going to want to do what YOU want to do: How many (straight) men do you know just looooove to go the art gallery or go shopping? Stop requiring that man to spread his horizons needlessly! If you haven’t been with a guy for over a year, don’t expect him to immerse himself into your world within the first 2 months of meeting him. Do you want to hang out with his sweaty guy friends and drink beer all afternoon when you first hook up? No (unless you’re THAT chick). Keep it neutral.

3. Stop asking him to pay every damn thing: You have a job too, don’t you? Women are always whining and crying about how independent they are, and when the bill comes after dinner/drinks, they look at it like a deer in the headlights. Go ahead, reach for the bill! If he snatches it out of your hand, HE’S the one who has set the standard. He doesn’t want you to pay. If he says “Thank you” after you stuff your Visa card into the bill fold he’s either
a) cheap
b) broke or
c) testing you out to see if you’re wiling to pull your weight in a potential relationship and not just using HIM for HIS resources.

4. Stop being so invested in your man: You know why Angelina Jolie (though I hate that whore) and Brad Pitt will ALWAYS be together? Because although she likes him plenty enough, her life is not invested in his. She doesn’t want to marry him, and it’s like he’s on the perpetual chase, although they live together with like, 15 kids. After marriage, there is nothing else for him to look forward to. It’s twisted, but now you see Brad traipsing across the planet building communities in impoverished areas and saving flea bitten orphans. Angelina’s life was interesting enough for him to want to peer into and BECOME a part of.

Maybe you need to consider becoming a little cooler and worth hanging around, you average chick you.

5. For the love of all things holy, stop having sex with a guy within weeks of meeting him: I can’t stress this enough. Unless you are just THAT good and will put a hurting on him THAT bad that he just has to come back for more, PLEASE don’t do it. Will he tell his friends? Probably. Most men are still operating like they’re in high school. But there is a big difference between a casual “Yeah dude, I hit it” (after which he will give a brief account of the whole affair) and “Yo dude, I can’t even tell you…” after which his voice will trail off at the memory of the encounter. If you’re just average in bed, please save your dignity and have sex when there is a mutual commitment. He’s more likely to have enough respect for you to keep it to himself.

6. If you’re a serial offender to point 5: You’re girl friends are tired of hearing about it. Usually, a violation of point 5 will end your “relationship” within 2 – 3 weeks of the sexual encounter. You’ve given it up…what else is there to come back for? This guy doesn’t really know you personally, and if he’s right, you’ve slept with how many other guys in the same time frame that it took him to get into your drawers? Men don’t think beyond the moment, but when they’ve had a chance to sit down with their boys and analyze what a possible “ho” you are, they will advise him to move on. You know you’re not a ho, your girls know you’re not a ho, but what does this guy whom you’ve only known for a month know? That you’re a (potential) ho. Back to the original point – If you keep offending, your friends will conclude that you are both hopeless and stupid. You really are hopeless and stupid if you think they’re not talking about how hopeless and stupid you are, every time you come to them WITH THE SAME STORY THREE TIMES A YEAR.

7. Men are brutes: The majority of men are not refined. That’s why as a society, we mock metro-sexuals and some male models (Tyson is excluded). Most guys don’t want to be jerks, but they really are not thinking about you until you’ve been in their world for a long time. So, when you send him a text saying “hey, I was just thinking about you” two nights after meeting him, chances are he’s going to ignore your text or send you some crazy, incoherent, very brief reply like “me too”. What does THAT mean? Was he thinking about himself too?

8. You psycho girls working at the Burger King counter: Just because he happens to come into your line at lunch time twice a week does not mean you’re in a relationship. Translate that thinking into your job as a receptionist, web designer, etc.

Men are really simple creatures, and not too much different than we are. No one likes a whining, nagging, squealing harpy on their back all the time. That’s why few people like toddlers. Stop acting like you’re in pre-school.

Men are visual. They see a pretty woman, and they’ll turn around to look. Just like if you saw a hot pair of shoes, you’d break your neck to get a second glance. Don’t get mad at a man for looking! Sometimes, if I’m out with my husband, I’ll point out a hot chick and say “Babe, she’s hot, huh?” Not ‘cute’, not ‘pretty’…’HOT’. He’s seen her, he knows I know he’s seen her, and he has permission to look and keep it moving after we’ve all seen and discussed how hot she is.

Finally, have a sense or frickin’ humor would you? Not everything is so serious. You can still be a lady and appreciate a good fart joke.