I’m about to go on vacation at Hotel de Northside Hospital. Train pulls out of the station at 7 am sharp! I can’t wait!

No more screaming kids for two whole days. The next child I hear crying will be the one being yanked from my womb, and even he will be whisked away by some chick in surgical scrubs whose responsibility it is to comfort him.

I will sleep through the night uninterrupted. I will finally get to watch Full Metal Jacket on dvd without having to pause it because Sgt Hartman is cussing up a storm, calling black people “Snowflake” and it’s too early to expose my kids to that type of reality. It’s going to be glorious.

I plan to be the most obnoxious hospital “guest” ever. I can see it now…

“Mrs. Grant, can you drink this solution so we can monitor XYZ please?”
“Naw! I can’t drank a d*mn thang…unless you put the cup to my lips YOURSELF. I’m on va-ca-shun!!”

Oooh! Wait. Here’s the best part. I won’t have booty-duty for the 2 days I’m in the hospital. In FACT, after I (stress on “I”) take a dump, I’m going to ring one of the nurses to come wipe MY arse.

“Hey Nurse so-and-so. I can’t reach my crack because I’m on va-ca-shun. Can you get a wet wipe and tighten it up back there fore me… Please?”

I will then refuse to wear grown up people panties and request a pair of Depends or an extra mattress pad. I plan to pee in the bed, just like one other member of my household. And Northside can’t kick me out! If they try, I’ll just lay out on the floor and crap myself like an 93 year old invalid. If they’d just left me in the bed, there would be no poo all over their precious hardwoods, now would there?

Stupid hospital security team…


Every morning I will call up the charge nurse and tell her I (stress on “I”) want cranberry juice to drink with my delectable drug buffet. There is nothing tastier than Percocet and Oxycontin in de morning! If there’s not enough ice, I’ll wait five minutes an call her back to inform her that “my drank ain’t cold enough.” She may put a little Shug Avery pee in there before I take a sip, but I figure it’s a fair trade. A little pee in your mouth never hurt anyone. Ask all the people who partake in Golden Showers. Yeah, you know who you are. You freaks.

So goodbye FB byiatches! I’m taking a trip to a better place. When next you see me, I’ll be 8-10 lbs lighter, hooked on drugs and 15% more ignorant than I am as of the writing of this note.