Can I hold $11,982?

Fact: 71% of all Black American babies are born to unwed mothers and will most likely grow up without the presence of their biological father. A quick polling of my top five friends confirmed this. 3 of those ladies grew up with a step-father, one with no dad at all, and the other was the daughter of a mistress. Her dad at least was some sort of constant, albeit 3 days of the week. Her mother, sage that she is, proclaimed “All men are bastards, including your father.” Truer words were never spoken. Naturally, I never aspired to be counted among those unfortunate numbers…but thanks to the skeeting antics of a selfish man, I found myself there! Just what I always to be: a sad Black statistic.

I was talking to my brother the other day about the latest of the Chronicles of Douche Bag.

“Why is he such an idiot?” I pondered.

“Look, Malaka,” he replied. “America turns men into punks.”

I waited for more.

“That’s all I got,” he said. “I gotta run. Gotta eat this burrito.”

I thought about every American I know. Sadly, Mr. Gyekye’s words were painfully true. In 2010, a man bearing the crest “punk-ass” is the norm and the not the exception. My douche bag baby daddy exemplifies this sad reality, and as I’ve said before, when it comes to putrid, moldy scum, I hit the mother-load when I hooked up with him.

The first time I lent him money was in 2003 when he asked me to pay his cell phone bill – 2 months after meeting him. I was unaccustomed to men asking me for money, and he had never taken me on a date or bought me a meal, so naturally I said ‘no’.

Please! his email begged. I would never ask you for money, but I am depending on you as a friend right now. I lent money to a family member and I really need my phone!

‘Oh what the hey’, I thought. I paid his little Metro PCS bill and waited 2 weeks to get my $40 back.

A week later he asked me for $10 to pay for his dry cleaning. In that same week he asked me to bring him take out so he’d have something to eat. He did this twice every month.

My favorite money lending incident came in 2006 when he asked me to “let him hold” $100.

“What for?” I asked. Irritated, he explained that he needed the money to go to his class reunion in Alabama, oh, and could I fill up his tank for the journey there? I handed off my 18 month old daughter, a crisp $100 bill and pumped gas in a fog. I was committing quite a lot for someone I wasn’t in a committed relationship with! But who is to blame? I am. I should have nipped that crap in the bud 6 years ago. If I had, we wouldn’t be dealing with this situation today.

*Insert cloudy memory effects and wind chimes, we’re going to the future y’all*

As of today, Mr. Douche bag owes me $11,232 after failing to make any contributions to help raise the child he claims to love so much, but wouldn’t even purchase a cell phone to call her own. Weary of seeing his number pop up on my caller ID with requests to speak to her, my husband and I went out and bought a phone for her ourselves. She gleefully dialed his number and proudly announced that we had bought her her own phone, and oh isn’t it great?!? Five minutes after their call, I get the following text:

Thanks! Do you want me to put money in your account to help pay for the phone?

Huh? I have been asking you to pay me back the $750 I lent you to help pay your mortgage, put money in your pocket, pay utilities, groceries, blah blah and NOW you want to put money in my account for a cell phone? I didn’t bother to explain that I got the phone so I wouldn’t have to hear from him. I thought he would be smart enough to assume that on his own. I thought wrong.

Nope. Just need a deposit for the money you owe me.

This response caused a text war to ensue, which is not uncommon when you’re dealing with a complete idiot. Follow along with me if you can.

Well I put $300 in ur account. And they was taking child support out of my check, But I didn’t make a big deal out of it.

I scanned my account quickly, expecting $300 to be in there. Nada. This man must think I’m a dumb African. They started taking support payments out of his check in NOVEMBER, after he was ordered to pay in October. The problem with this pond scum is that he does not realize that I am from Larteh, and we are the Jews of West Africa. I texted him furiously:

How could you make a big deal out of it when they weren’t taking money out at the same time, and they didn’t take money out of your check until NOV, AND you still owe me money for the money I lent you, not to mention 3 yrs failure to pay anything to take care of Nadjah? The sooner you give me my money, the sooner I can stop talking about it.

– How much money do u say I owe u??

Based off of how much they are taking out of your account, at $72 a week for 52 weeks in a year, that’s $3744. multiply that by 3yrs it’s $11232. Plus $750 for car insurance, house payments, gas, food, pocket money, etc. When would you like to start making a payment so I can start shutting my mouth?

– U tripping!!! This conversation is over!!! Everytime I try to smooth things overm u try to start something with me. I’m past getting into it with u!!!

This would have ended the conversation until he added:

I should have charge u for tha (yes, he can’t spell “the”) sex I gave u!!! But I didn’t!!!

Oh really?

Then that would make you a whore. And I never had an orgasm so it was a double waste of time, and gas, and TIME!!! You were so desperate to make me cum  that I just said I did. Pathetic. And you STILL owe me money.

After hearing nothing further from my nemesis, and relayed the details of my spat to my sister.

“You didn’t really expect him to pay you back, did you?” she asked.

“In a small way, yes, I did.”

“Malaka, he just lost his job jangling change at a laundry mat. He’s a 41 year old man who can’t keep a job at a laundry mat…and you’re throwing $12K in his face. Of course he’s not going to pay! He can’t! As far as I’m concerned, this whole text war was just for fun and games.”

I love my sister. She puts things in such clear perspective. A sad 41 year old man, who bums money off women and can’t keep a job at a laundry mat for more than a year. God bless you Adj.

Word of advice: Don’t ever get pregnant out of wedlock in the state of Georgia. You’re in for a mighty big shock if you don’t keep your proverbial ducks in a row.  Georgia does not have retroactive child support payments. So do yourself a favor and establish child support/visitation the second you pop that baby!