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Married sex ROCKS!

Caution! I beg you oooh. If you’re not 18 or older, please close your eyes and open another browser. This post is not for small boys and girls.

I was on the phone with Tem, my childhood best friend yesterday, and as usual our “So what’s going on?” conversation turned to current events, personal triumphs, men and sex. It’s generally in that order. I had neglected to tell her that I was pregnant, and her response was that of shock: not because I was pregnant, but because of the obvious (and apparent) frequency with which my husband and I have sex. We’ve had 3 kids in 4 years.

“Y’all is the most humpin-est married couple I know!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I guess we are.”

“I thought married people didn’t have sex,” she pondered out loud.

That’s what I’d heard too, and of course, that’s what you read in all the magazines. I mean don’t get me wrong; we’ve gone through our dry spells. After dealing with a day of work, cleaning and caring for kids, who really wants to do more work between the sheets? But then that’s where the difference between married sex and single sex comes in. And as someone who has had both, I’ve seen the differences.

As I boldly and very loudly told my friend, married sex is more deliberate.  She and I both agree that as single women, a man’s sperm is like kryptonite, and there is nothing more urgent than wiping that sh*t off with a hot rag when you’re done. However now that I’m married, when my husband is about to nut, I wrap my legs tighter around his waist. A-skeet-skeet-skeeeet!! If I’ve had to conjure up reserved energy to get into the act, dagonnit  I’m going to enjoy every last drip-droppy messy moment. And that’s the other difference:

Married sex, unlike single sex, is extremely messy.

When you’re single, you have to go through the whole charade of taking a shower, and brushing your teeth, and making sure your weave doesn’t come out of place, or not to get to sweaty so as not to offend the  other person…blah, blah, blah. When you’re married (and especially if you have kids), you tell your spouse he/she better come get it while it’s hot! And of they’re wise, they’ll recognize the signs and do just that, shower and cabbage in your teeth be damned. There’s something extremely comforting about waking up next to someone who has seen you at your absolute worst and loves you enough to still want to wake up with you the next morning, even if you have the biggest eye boogers on the planet.

Single sex is sooo pretentious. There is nothing worse than pillow talk when you’re single, particularly if you’re not in a committed monogamous relationship. The routine question “what are you thinking about right now?” is something I would personally dread as a single woman. I never asked it, and I always hoped never to be asked. And if the guy I was fornicating with fell asleep immediately after doing to the do, I couldn’t help but feel a little used. Pillow talk with my husband is awesome.  We’ve been married for x years, so I already know what he’s thinking. After a hot 15 minutes of passion (because that’s all I have time for), our pillow chat will go something like this:

“Hey! Did you see that they culled a bunch of kangaroo in Australia?”

“Nah. Why’d they do that?”

I’ll then explain the culling and reasoning behind it. After finishing, he’ll counter with:

“Did you know if you can’t stick your erect penis in the cardboard tube of a toilet paper roll, it means you need an extra large condom? That’s what it said in Men’s Health. Honest.”

“Nuh uh!” I’ll then present a toilet paper roll to him to prove it. Obviously impressed, I’ll marvel: “Well I’ll be dog gone. It’s true!”

After quizzically inspecting the width of the toilet roll, I’d exclaim (with some dismay) “You’re sticking something that wide in me?”  My husband will then chuckle with manly bravado and say “Yup!”

He and I will then cuddle together, all 450 lbs of our combined weight, and I’ll wistfully say “I love you babe. I can’t wait to hump you when we’re 80, toothless, hump backed and all.” One of us will then fart (usually me ,because I’m pregnant), re-shuffle the sheets and in 10-20 minutes ask the other if they wanna do it again.

Like I said, married sex rocks. There is no comparison to wholly giving yourself to someone who has wholly given themselves to you. Marriage is a commitment, no a contract, and when a marriage is healthy, it is an amazing thing. It’s taken me almost 5 years to get my brain around that. Married sex is intimate, sacred, hilarious, outrageous…whatever you want it to be. It is because your spouse is now “bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh.

I dare a single person to top that.