Lies on Tap

Have you ever had a person in your life that just lied their way through their daily  existence? I mean like every other sentence is just a straight up falsehood? We’ve all told our share of fibs, Lord knows I have; but I never knew there class of people roaming the planet that told lies for breath.

My cousin used to date this guy called David that was a compulsive liar. Eventually they broke up and she kicked him out of the house…something to do with her bank account and possible eviction courtesy of his antics. She would tell me these tales, and her main complaint was that he was “such a liar!!” Me, being in my early 20s and not understanding the severity of what she was dealing with, silently nodded my head and asked myself what the big deal was? So he lied a little, so what? 5 years later, God the Master Joker placed a man in my life to show me “so what”. That man is the individual we all know on this blog as ODB: Old Douche Bag, Mr. Franklin/ Mr Frank-lyin’.

The lies this individual who would unfortunately eventually become the sire of my first born child go back to the very day we met. It would be hard to cram all of them in one blog post, so I’ll just share my favorites.

Lie 1: On the night we met, Douche Bag asked me how old I was. I said I was 25. He said he was 30.

Fact: Douchey was in fact 35 years old, and being 10 years my senior knew a 25 year old woman in her prime would never wittingly date a man so advanced in age.

Lie 2: He claimed to have been a staff sergeant in the Marine Corps.

Fact: Old Douche Bag never rose past the rank of Private First Class in the Corps. Google the differences. You’ll be amused.

Lie 3: His son was going to spend 2 weeks in the summer with him in 2003.

Fact: He had not seen his son, nor had he been aware of his whereabouts since the boy had been born 5 years before. His mom took off with him long ago, apparently because he’s always been this useless and crazy.

Lie 4: He got some chick pregnant in 2000 something, and then told her that that was not his baby because he had an “accident” when he was a kid that left him sterile. He dared the woman to call his mother to confirm.

Fact: Clearly this is a load of crap.

Let’s get to some more recent tall tales

Lie 5: When picking up my daughter, she would wail and scream because she did not want to go with him. In order to get her to stop crying, he would promise to take her to McDonalds.

Fact: He never did. Who lies to a 2 year old about McDonalds??

Lie 6: He got on Facebook and told all his friends a series of lies: My daughter is in the backyard and we’re going to grill. She loves laying in the grass. I just dropped her off for her first day of school. She lives with me Tuesday -Thursday.

Fact: He had not seen Na in over a year. She hates grass. He never even knew what school she went to until a few months ago. She just began overnight visits last week.

Lie 7 (and my favorite): When asked by a female admirer on Facebook what he does for a living, he said he was an operations manager for a trucking company.

Fact: He hasn’t had any steady employment in 3 years, and at the time this statement was made. he was jangling change in a laundry mat/dry cleaner. I think he was making $10/hr. He has since lost this job.

Lie 8 (and the reason for this post): When asked directly in court what 2 weeks in the summer he wanted to get his child, he balked and then asked the judicial officer if he had to get her for 2 consecutive weeks. Could he break the visits up? She replied that if he had an emergency, say a funeral for example, to simply explain the situation to me. I requested the dates again, and was given to separate weeks, when the court order clearly says con-sec-utive.

“I can’t keep her for 2 weeks. I was going to clean off my sister’s grave in Buffalop,” he explained in email. Yes folks. Buffalop.

Fact: That sister died of SIDS  30+ years ago, and no one in his family has visited her grave since. In fact he, told me that her grave was overgrown ans lost. Now suddenly when it’s time for you to spend part of the summer with you, after you fought so hard to get visitation, you can”t because you’re going to clean an unmarked grave? With what money?? You just lost your job jangling change!

Lie 9: Now he can’t keep her for 2 consecutive weeks because he is going to be spending the summer doing “job training” and it will be difficult to keep her.

Fact: Georgia has any number of day-cares, some of them with 24 hr service. There is no reason why he can’t keep his kid for the required time.

Folks. Men and women. If you have ANYONE in your life who lies like their next breath depended on it, DROP THEM as soon as you can. Definitely do before you possibly can procreate with them. Take it from me: a leopard never changes his spots. He just shifts them around.