…And Then Suddenly You’re Dry Humping the Fry Cook at Taco Bell

The other night a friend of mine called me at about 10:30 pm, obviously pissed.

“Write me something amusing and sarcastic on being a single woman,” she commanded. “I need a laugh.”

Understand that I go to bed at 8:30 these days. The fact that she caught me awake at that hour was totally a fluke.

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” I asked.

“This n*gga from work who is THE most date breaking-est n*igga I’ve ever met!” she howled.

A quick recap of their relationship revealed that although he was insanely good-looking, he was not only the lowest on the totem pole at her company, but served as the very hole in the ground that said totem pole was driven into. Lets put it this way: If she worked at a dog pound, he would be the guy cleaning up poop and sanitizing the cages…while she would serve as the Director for community relations/adoptions. Ya dig? She wears a suit and he…cleans poo. And while they have been physically involved (kissing, heavy petting, etc), they have never had actual genital contact. The reason?

“He has a small dick,” she said dryly.

Ok.

So I was going to write something witty and humorous about the state of single womanhood in America today on her behalf, and I realized the more I tried, the less I could come up with. Shoot, it’s hard for ALL women in any sort of relationship in the world today. Everywhere you look, the grass is greener in someone else’s pasture, whether you’re a widow, divorced, married with 4 kids, single with 6 kids and 4 baby-daddies, or just straight up single. That this woman who has a “Dr.” in front of her name, a brand new house that SHE purchased and a brand new car wanted me to feel sorry for her was insane. I can’t bring myself to make light of her enviable situation.

“I just never thought that this is where I would be at 32,” she mused.

I thought about my sagging breasts, long gone waist and stair-step kids.

“Shoot, I never thought that this is where I would be at 32,” I replied. We laughed.

After I thought about it for a few days, I realized what the problem is. Women today spend too much time listening to They.

They keep telling us that we’re not pretty enough, slim enough, or educated enough.

They also tell us that real women don’t have to be a size -2 to be a woman, and to celebrate our curves.

They tell us that we need to buy the latest anti-aging wrinkle cream to ward off the effects of time.

Then They say celebrate your laugh lines!

They tell us how to dress, what make-up to wear, how to rear our children, why you’re a bad mom, how to give your man the best mind-blowing sex he’s ever had, why you should be a lesbian, why you shouldn’t be a lesbian, oh, and if you’re going to drop your kids off at car pool – make sure you do it in heels. Blah blah blah.

They, They, mother-freakin’ THEY!

At the confluence of Self Achievement and Self Doubt, the utterances of They merge the waters and create a swirling rapid of dissatisfaction in the mind of a woman. Suddenly, she’s just not pleased with anything going on in her life and then  the high powered marketing executive finds herself dry humping the dude who stuffs taco shells in the back of her Lexus. Why? 1) Because he has no car of his own and 2) They have told her all the men in her league only want White women, or mixed women, or at the very least women with a weave down to her crack.

They have stripped her of all confidence, and she doesn’t even know it.

So to my friend: Girl please. Take a page from some hardcore feminists and stop calling him, stop trying to be the “man” in your relationships and take charge all the time, and stop looking for pity from me. I dare any single woman to live a week in the shoes of a woman with 3+ kids under the age of 6. You’ll run screaming back to your life in 3 hours. Iraq ain’t got nuthin’ on this.

*Muttering* With your free time, and your clean house, and your clean car, and your fly make-up…  Y’all single/childless women make me sick.

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6 thoughts on “…And Then Suddenly You’re Dry Humping the Fry Cook at Taco Bell

  1. Nana Ama

    You are sooo right! I stopped listening to THEY ages ago! It is so liberating, and is the sanest thing to do. And you know what, everything falls into place just how you want it to, when you ignore THEM!

    That sister is only asking for trouble. Black man stuck in a hole like that, will never get out of it, even if she hauls him out!

    But then, I am also all for experience. She could look back in ten years time and think ‘ what if…’ (Its so tempting to get into THEY mode, innit?!)

    Let her make her own decisions, mistakes, and triumphs.

    I wish black mothers will try harder with their sons. They end up being (an)other woman’s problem! (I’ve got two girls and the male of the species they have shown me so far, underwhelm me!)

  2. David S.

    And you know who THEY are? They are fashion magazine editors. People who write magazines that men never read. Stop listening to what THEY say we (men I mean), think y’all are beautiful, Even if we suck at showing it.

  3. runrettarun

    I am SO over freaking magazines. Even my formerly beloved Fitness, one page tells you the workouts to get your butt into a swim suit in 4 weeks and the very next page is an ad for an effing diet pill. What-the-fuck-eva.

    1. Malaka Post author

      RRR – I never even observed those parallels! That’s a new insight altogether. Crazy magazines and their need to rake in ad revenue…Never mind the mental effect they have on us, their poor susceptible readers!

  4. Ahwi

    Hey, someone’s gotta make the Tacos …… and in his spare time he offers his services to your friend …….
    So did she meet him at the drive thru coming home late from the club ????? LOL .. You know taco Bell stays open late ….

    1. Malaka Post author

      LOL!!! No Ahwi. She is NOT dry humping the Taco Bell dude. It’s a metaphor. Gawd, you’re insane!!

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