Say what??

…And Then Suddenly You're Dry Humping the Fry Cook at Taco Bell

The other night a friend of mine called me at about 10:30 pm, obviously pissed.

“Write me something amusing and sarcastic on being a single woman,” she commanded. “I need a laugh.”

Understand that I go to bed at 8:30 these days. The fact that she caught me awake at that hour was totally a fluke.

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” I asked.

“This n*gga from work who is THE most date breaking-est n*igga I’ve ever met!” she howled.

A quick recap of their relationship revealed that although he was insanely good-looking, he was not only the lowest on the totem pole at her company, but served as the very hole in the ground that said totem pole was driven into. Lets put it this way: If she worked at a dog pound, he would be the guy cleaning up poop and sanitizing the cages…while she would serve as the Director for community relations/adoptions. Ya dig? She wears a suit and he…cleans poo. And while they have been physically involved (kissing, heavy petting, etc), they have never had actual genital contact. The reason?

“He has a small dick,” she said dryly.

Ok.

So I was going to write something witty and humorous about the state of single womanhood in America today on her behalf, and I realized the more I tried, the less I could come up with. Shoot, it’s hard for ALL women in any sort of relationship in the world today. Everywhere you look, the grass is greener in someone else’s pasture, whether you’re a widow, divorced, married with 4 kids, single with 6 kids and 4 baby-daddies, or just straight up single. That this woman who has a “Dr.” in front of her name, a brand new house that SHE purchased and a brand new car wanted me to feel sorry for her was insane. I can’t bring myself to make light of her enviable situation.

“I just never thought that this is where I would be at 32,” she mused.

I thought about my sagging breasts, long gone waist and stair-step kids.

“Shoot, I never thought that this is where I would be at 32,” I replied. We laughed.

After I thought about it for a few days, I realized what the problem is. Women today spend too much time listening to They.

They keep telling us that we’re not pretty enough, slim enough, or educated enough.

They also tell us that real women don’t have to be a size -2 to be a woman, and to celebrate our curves.

They tell us that we need to buy the latest anti-aging wrinkle cream to ward off the effects of time.

Then They say celebrate your laugh lines!

They tell us how to dress, what make-up to wear, how to rear our children, why you’re a bad mom, how to give your man the best mind-blowing sex he’s ever had, why you should be a lesbian, why you shouldn’t be a lesbian, oh, and if you’re going to drop your kids off at car pool – make sure you do it in heels. Blah blah blah.

They, They, mother-freakin’ THEY!

At the confluence of Self Achievement and Self Doubt, the utterances of They merge the waters and create a swirling rapid of dissatisfaction in the mind of a woman. Suddenly, she’s just not pleased with anything going on in her life and then  the high powered marketing executive finds herself dry humping the dude who stuffs taco shells in the back of her Lexus. Why? 1) Because he has no car of his own and 2) They have told her all the men in her league only want White women, or mixed women, or at the very least women with a weave down to her crack.

They have stripped her of all confidence, and she doesn’t even know it.

So to my friend: Girl please. Take a page from some hardcore feminists and stop calling him, stop trying to be the “man” in your relationships and take charge all the time, and stop looking for pity from me. I dare any single woman to live a week in the shoes of a woman with 3+ kids under the age of 6. You’ll run screaming back to your life in 3 hours. Iraq ain’t got nuthin’ on this.

*Muttering* With your free time, and your clean house, and your clean car, and your fly make-up…  Y’all single/childless women make me sick.