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A Hot Hispanic Mess

OMG. I saw this Hispanic couple sucking face so hard in the CHILDREN’S SECTION of Old Navy I thought the dude was going to impregnate her through her esophagus!

That was my status on Facebook yesterday. Some of my friends “Liked” it. Some had humorous commentary. One called me to get more details. Suddenly, it struck me – these folks thought I had witnessed something visually thrilling and naughty. On the contrary, what I saw was just WRONG.

Let me be clear. I am all for tasteful public displays of affection. Like when a man coyly runs his hand down his girl’s lower back while they’re in the check out line; or when a women run her hand down the length of her beau’s thigh out at dinner. I’ll even forgive your run of the mill young couple, who being starved for physical contact having been separated by, say, a day’s worth of work, takes the opportunity to steal a brief passionate kiss in the midst of total strangers.

What comes to mind  as I describe these scenarios? I’ll bet $5.00 in your mind’s eye, all these folks are neatly coiffed, showered and acceptably attractive. I’ll bet when I said the ‘Hispanic couple was sucking face’, visions of a size 2 Brazilian beauty and her curly haired mate (who carried the faint scent of Jean Paul Gaultier) darted through your head as well. Had this been what I had witnessed, where I had witnessed it, I would have done a quick double take, excused myself and my children, and returned to the (children’s) clearance section after giving them satisfactory smooching time. Attractive people get a pass in incidences such as these.

But that’s not the couple that was gob-slobbing in the area I needed to pick out a size 5T dress.

This couple was the Clayton Biggsby definition of ‘Hispanic’. He looked like he had just completed a successful drug deal, and she looked like she had just finished stripping 115 beds of their sheets at the Baymont Inn. No really. She was still wearing her maid’s uniform, and I was there when he rolled up in a chopped sports car.

As I innocently strolled over to the kid’s clearance section, I was assaulted by a series of loud smacking and slurping sounds. I thought I heard a ‘crunch’ too. I looked up and saw a 5’1′ Mexican male performing a series of pelvic vertical thrusts. I only realized there was an object in front of him (which turned out to be a 4’1” female) that was the target of aforementioned thrusts. The ‘crunching’ was the sound of her bejeweled hand palming his jean covered bottom – I mean enormous, obnoxious scoop-fulls of his arse. I stood and waited for them to realize that their grotesque make out session was impeding my shopping. They had to know I was there. Aya was commenting on how lovely all the shirts were, and Nadjah walked right up to them, silently and quizzically observing their unabashed sexual activity. It was only after she nudged them that they moved elsewhere. The man looked over his shoulder at me, neither embarrassed nor apologetic. He seemed pleased that he had had an audience. Ugh!

15 minutes later, the girls and I finished our shopping, checked out and proceeded towards our car. As I looked to my left to check for oncoming traffic, who did I see? The same sweaty couple making out in front of PAYLESS  SHOES! Again, he hand was firmly fixed on his left butt cheek and they were engrossed in each other’s face.

“For Christ’s sake, get a room!” I blurted out. I was irritated. A blond woman coming into Old Navy looked over and saw the subject of my ire. She walked into the store, shaking her head in amusement.

Let me also make this perfectly clear: There are protocols to PDA. If you must dry hump your partner in public, at least do it in areas where my children and others are less likely to encounter you…like the kid’s section at a clothing store. In addition to that, it must be understood there are some people who must never engage in public displays of affection, and by “some” I mean all unattractive people. Cletus, the slack jawed yokel from West Virginia must never slob down his mother/cousin/wife Petunia in the park where children are playing. That’s gross. Nobody wants to see Li’l Jon and any woman who auditioned for the Bus’ It Baby video engaged in amorous activity. That’s grosser.


Before you accuse me of racism, you have to understand that race has nothing to do with my aversion. It has everything to do with class. If you’re going to visually “entertain” the public, at least have the decency to look and smell desirable.