Lessons From A 5 yr Old

Black Eye trans: a.k.a asalla/azoh. A Ghanaian term for a retort so sharp that the recipient is rendered speechless. A mythical Ghanaian man will then jump out of the bushes, fist over agape mouth and cry “Oooooohhh!!!” when the ‘black eye’ has been delivered.


The DAY we got back from Ghana, Douche Bag called to speak to Na. He had been expecting us in the previous Sunday, but due to the Fockery of Delta Airlines (as you may recall), we were delayed. Clearly excited about the prospect of seeing her, he informed her that she would be coming to his house that weekend, which I had hitherto agreed on. I turned my back as they chatted and prepared to change one of Stone’s epic dookie diapers. Douche Bag is extra loud on the phone, so I was privy to the entire conversation.

“Hey, Na!” said Douche. “How are you?”

“Fine. We only got in yesterday because the airplane wouldn’t let us check in.”

“Uh huh… I missed you! You’re coming over to my house this weekend.”

“Can I come over on Friday?” she asked in hesitation.

“Tomorrow is Friday.”

“Oh. I thought it was Monday. Well, I don’t think I can come over. My Auntie Agga is coming into town on Friday.”

“Oh. Ok! How about Saturday then?”

She stretched out on her bed and shook her head.

“No. We’re going to a restaurant on Saturday and then we’re going camping on Sunday! We’re gonna build a campfire and roast marshmallows!”

“Oh…you have a lot to do huh?” I could hear his disappointment.

“Uh huh! I always have stuff to do. Every day!”

I couldn’t hear what he said next because he lowered his volume. I suppose he hung up immediately afterward because Nadjah said “hello?” 3 times and got no reply. I got a text some hours later saying he would get her the following weekend. Ohh!! Asalla for him!!

When I recounted the incident to my younger brother, he voiced his approval.

“Good. She’s learning how to deal with men early,” his baritone  said in endorsement.

“What do you mean?”

My brother, who among other things is known as the Panty Dropping Lady Slayer, guided me through what had taken place during the call. What had happened was far more dynamic than a little girl shunning the  requests of her father, it was a lesson in one of the fundamentals of male-female interaction.

“What happened here was this: She said she had other things to do, and she let him know it. She didn’t clear her calendar for him. She said ‘Yeah…you’re cool and all, but this campfire is way cooler.’ That’s what she should do to all men now and in the future…unless she’s talking to me, of course.”


It’s true! Thinking back to my dating life, I recall that men found me far more interesting when I expressed very little interest in them. The more stuff I had on my agenda, the harder they tried to get on that agenda. But the nanosecond I dedicated the day to them – they flaked. And men think women are weird! Men pride themselves and thump their chests for being ‘logical’…does that seem logical to you?

So here’s some advice for you single ladies – or any ladies just having a hard time bringing your man around – ignore him. Find something else to do. Find loads of things to do, and have fun doing them.

You care < He does.

You can thank my kindergartner for the lesson. Click on the dancing cow on the upper right hand corner to pay your tuition fees. 😉