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What Makes a Husband?

Or for that matter, what makes a wife?  The question of what makes a ‘good spouse’ is really one I’d like some input on from you guys. I have spent some time talking to newlywed wives (and not so newlyweds) who appear to be in a state of flux as far as their marriages are concerned. These women, who in many cases have made sacrifices for the sake of their husbands and their marriages, are furious and about ready to call it quits.

“He has NO idea how to be a husband.”

“He came in to this marriage with far more baggage than I realized.”

His family is NOTHING but drama!”

“I’m not trying to raise him AND my child.”


As someone who was about to walk out on my husband a two Christmases ago, I completely understand where these women are coming from.  I cannot confess that husband did not and does not know how to be a husband – on the contrary I felt like he was being too much of a husband, in that he was smothering me with all his ‘male-ness’. I am a fiercely independent person who bucks under the weight of any appearance of authoritarian rule. I felt like my husband was stifling me and trying to control me, and (unwisely) made the impromptu decision to leave him on Christmas Eve without really talking through our issues…this being after he made it clear that I could go if I liked, but I would have to leave his kids. I looked at him like he’d lost his mind. His kids?? I laid on that table and got cut open so the doctor could snatch those rug urchins out!

I digress.

The rest is history of course, and we now have the foundation of a strong and (I hope) everlasting marriage.  It’s a foundation, because your marriage, just like mine, is something that is continually built upon – it’s not a McMansion that comes fully furnished after you say “I do”. Every day you add features or take away items from that building until you get something that you both can be proud of. For the women who are facing crises so early in their marriage, I confess I have no real answers. But I can say that they are not alone – and I can recommend that both they and their spouse go back to the reasons that they decided to strut down a church aisle and spend $20,000 on a cake and dress in the first place. It could be that their reasons were all wrong, or that they’ve forgotten them in the first place.

So guys… your thoughts? Whether you’re married, single, divorced or about to get married, share with us: What makes for a good wife/husband? Some might say that I’m a bad wife because I don’t cook, but I make up for it other ways – And those ways are none of your business.  😉

This article has 8 comments

  1. David S.

    I would say that the very willingness to even ask that question in the first place instead of assuming you know the answer, or worse yet not even knowing or caring about the answer is a strong step in the right direction. I’m willing to bet that most of those women who complained about their husbands not knowing how to be good husbands have husbands who either take it for granted that they are good husbands, or have never bothered to even consider what it means to be a good husband. For me, actually being willing to listen to me, when I talk about what is making me unhappy, or might make me happy, is probably more important than anythings else.

  2. Morocco

    Good question Malaka. Here is a poem I wrote that sums up my version of a good man:


    I want a man who loves me, holds me, and consoles me
    Supports me, understands, a friend never a foe
    One who uses his hands to caress, stroke, massage, bless
    This man has a vision, he dreams, he pursues his goals
    He loves himself and because I am an extension of him–he loves me equally
    He protects me and would never think to lay a hand of aggression on me
    I can confide in him, hide in him, find the God in him
    He feels my pain, dries my tears, teaches me when I need to be taught
    And corrects me when I am wrong
    My Provider
    Knight in full armour
    He is…

    Have you seen him? Lol

  3. Malaka

    Girl no I ain’t seem ‘im! That sounds like Jesus to me. hahahaa!!

    @David – Surely all the girls who have told you they loved you after the second date think you are TOTALLY husband material. You’re all set.

  4. David S.

    I’ve found that a lot of people male and female have incredibly low standards when it comes to what they consider to be husband/wife material that is, until they actually get married, and discover a whole bunch of things they should have probably considered before getting married. So forgive me for not believing that people considering me marriage material means I am …. set.

  5. Morocco

    Lol, girl okay!

  6. Malaka

    I’ll take that as saying that people don’t do their research in deciding what makes a good husband, and NOT that after doing their research, and having such low standard anyways, they decide that you are fit to sit on the Spouse Throne. It could be read that way, although I know you didn’t mean it.

    You know you think you’re hot stuff. Say it!

  7. nana ama

    All I can say is, I’ve learned not to make such high drama over issues, and take the rough with the smooth!:):) It definitely is not a McMansion. I was pissed off with my husband for months on end last year, but fell in love with him all over again last week!

    And Miss M that’s not very sporting of you; to set our imaginations on fire only to tell us its none of business what you do instead of cooking to make your marriage rock!:):) You’ve made it our business now!:):) Do tell!!!

  8. Malaka

    Shan’t and won’t tell! Nah nah-nah-nah-naaaaahhhhhh!!!! 🙂

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