Behind the Stall Walls

Two co-workers encounter one another in the bathroom. One has just finished using it and the other walks in as she’s exiting the stall. They greet each other enthusiastically.

“Hellorr!”

“Hullooo!!”

“How’s everything going out there on the floor?”

The first co-worker begins washing her hands

“Not too bad. We’re starting a new project this week.”

“Awesome. I hear there’s a pretty nice bonus in it for you guys if it goes off well.”

“Yeah…that’s what finance says!”

The second co-worker enters one of 3 available stalls.

“Make sure you share the wealth!”

“Hahaha! Will do!”

She lines the seat with wax paper, the crinkling sound interrupting their discourse.

“I heard your daughter made varsity,” the first co-worker continues.

“Yeah,” the second one says painfully. A splash of urine hits the stagnant water in the bowl below. This signals the end of the conversation. Co-worker One leaves the bathroom without another word. Co-worker Two pushes a steady stream of urine from her bladder, sighing in sweet relief.

Why do people engage in bathroom chatter? It’s a place for going to the toilet, not a pub or park for Heaven’s sake! Disturbing as it is that folks congregate and chew the fat in an environment where they’ve just disposed of their bio-waste; far more disturbing phenomena take place behind the walls of the stall from which they’ve just emerged. One of those is the acting of a silent comedy, so impassioned that Charlie Chaplin himself would be proud. It comprises of facial contortion, stamping of feet, and (violently) rocking back and forth.

Take me, for example. I can hold my pee for hours…which means when I do pee, I can pee for minutes. The average person takes what? 32 seconds to pee? I can pee for 2 whole minutes. And not a trickle either. We’re talking bursts and gusts of pee…like Niagara Falls force. So when I finally do get to the throne room, it is with much relief that I engage in my release. Head back, eyes closed, exhale. *Ahhhhh….*

Did you know people make faces on the toilet? Here’s the one I make when I’ve been sitting in a dull meeting for hours on end, sipping on agua like a bloody idiot. (The worst thing you can do to yourself is to enter a 2 hour scheduled meeting with a semi-full bladder and then pour yet more water on top of that in an attempt to look “corporate-y”.) That’s what’s going on behind the stall walls if you should encounter ME in the restroom.

There are far worse things that happen in public restrooms. People deface them with graffiti, pump breast milk because there are no designated feeding rooms in their place of employment, have sex in them (ech!), and hide their identities in them. Take a look under the doors of the stall next time you’re in the ladies room. If you hear urine, and see the heels of a woman’s feet and not her toes, then that’s not a woman at all.

That’s a tranny.

  • OMG—you’re a LUNATIC! ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thank for the laugh this morning! I sure needed it.
    NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!

    • Yes, well, I’d like to thank my husband, who served as my photographer. He is clearly a lunatic as well for agreeing to snap these shots. Poor, poor man. 🙂

  • David S.

    Which poor soul have you been getting to take these pictures of you?

  • Khadija

    Malaka you are crazy! I had a good laugh this afternoon. I can always count on your blogs to give me a good dose of laughter.

  • Nana Afoah

    Malaka, you’re hilarious!

  • Toyah

    HA ha, it’s a portly man! Lol!

  • bessieawinn

    omg you are an idjoit! Lmbo!!! the visuals..lol icant icant icant!

  • Jaime

    Oh my gosh – I had to comment on the whole pee thing because I’m the same way. I drink water like a fish and hold my pee so long that when I do pee, it’s an epic release. I’ve been embarrassed so many times because my pee shoots out like a super-soaker and drones on and on and on. True story – I saw “The King’s Speech” the other day (fantastic!) – somehow I had time to get a jumbo sized diet coke but couldn’t be bother to empty my semi-full bladder before it started. So by the time credits rolled, I was *dying*. Fortunately, I was one of the first to make it to the bathroom, and it seemed like the rest of the theater followed suit. I can’t tell you how long I peed, felt like a record for sure – but I do know that my face started to flush when the stall next to me changed occupants for the third time and I was still peeing! Sounds like you can relate!

    • First of all – Wasn’t The King’s Speech awesome! I wanted to throttle the nanny…and the STUPID royal mum and dad for not noticing their son was being so mistreated! Poor guy. Ah well. He got to be king in the end – if that’s any consolation. I can totally relate though. I had to leave a meeting with the Director of an entire DIVISION because I had to pee so bad. i just couldn’t take it anymore. My back was burning. Yeah…imagine that.

  • HA, ha, HA, ha, HA!
    You are the best!
    But your poor husband though! Bless him……….
    Mine would have been laughing too hard to take the picture.

  • cynthia

    poor hubby, i guess he enjoyed himself when taking the photos. Nice one hahaha! Naughty girl.

    • Nah. he didn’t enjoy himself at all. He was mortified, poor man. Ah well! It’s part of his job description “Take mock photos of your wife posing as a tran to post online.” It’s directly under “Smell my musty bra. Do you think it needs washing?”

  • Pingback: Don’t talk to me , I am in the toilet!! | The WorkZine()