Life Ought to be Like an Always Commercial

Have you ever watched those sanitary pad commercials and asked yourself “Gee…why isn’t my life like that when I’m on my period?”

I have.

Why is it that I would rather close the shutters and hide in a dark, dank musty room with a box of Kleenex, a trunk full of chocolate and of course, a barge-load of sanitary towels, than do what all those other cool chicks on their period on the Always commercials are doing?

According to the ads, when you’re on your period you can do anything. You can! You can be a gold medal gymnast sporting eentsy-teensy leotards, your muscular legs akimbo without a care because your pad/tampon will keep leaks at bay. You can go to the most happenin’ club in town with your girls and dance the night away in your shimmering, knee lenghted sequenced dress. At the end of the night, you snag the guy of your dreams because your undies are protected by afore mentioned sanitary napkin and you’ve been sipping on a chilled Smirnoff Mojito (which also incidentally guarantees you success in your lofty endeavors) all night. You apparently magically come into possession of the power of gifted speech, as your ultra-thin, ultra absorbent panty liner gives you the confidence and poise to nail that proposal you’ve been working on for months. Why, you could persuade congress to do your bidding if you have the right panty protection!

Oh! But let’s not forget my personal favorite. You can wear white when Aunt Flo is here… but ONLY if you have the right pad.

White everything.

White pants.

White dress.

White underwear.

White wedding dress.

White, white, and yet more white! Why? Because when you’re on your period, you’re invincible, and for those 3-5 days only your undergarments and trousers are impervious to stains.

Now – we all know this isn’t true. First of all, gymnasts don’t get their period. They have too much muscle mass, so they get the liquid curse every what? 3 years? And if you’re sipping on Mojitos and take a guy home while you’re on your period, you’re both in for a bloody mess and a big surprise in the morning. Totally not advisable. You go ahead and wear white when there’s a red stream running down your legs. Naw…go ahead and try it! That’s what I thought.

‘Nuff said.

You know who got it right when it comes to sanitary pads and women’s moods? Kotex. And if I didn’t buy my pads in bulk from Sam’s club I’d be 100% loyal to  their brand…but I am CHEAP and unfortunately, unlike what the other sanitary towel manufacturers say in their ads, having my period doesn’t suddenly make me rich and successful.