If Only Men Were Actually Dogs

It’s a popular saying: “All men are dogs.”

It’s a phrase women use generally to console other women who have been “dogged” by a man, and in doing so, insinuating that men and dogs have equivalent behavior when it comes to the treatment of women.

But wouldn’t it be wonderful if men actually did act like dogs? If they did, I daresay we’d have far more successful relationships and far less divorce in society. I think I read an article once the extolled the virtue of dogs. Think about it:

When you come home from work, your dog is always happy to see you. He wags his tail, runs up to you, and gives you a series of frisky licks. A torrent of doggy kisses, if you will.

Your dog will never complain about what you’ve prepared for dinner. A dog can eat Kibbles n’ Bits every day for all 20 years of his human life and never bark anything but gratitude for it.

A dog is a ready and willing companion when you want to go out for an evening stroll at dusk. He’s not going to get tired and complain about wanting to go back inside.

A dog will sit quietly next to you while you watch a sappy movie on Lifetime, never interrupting and asking if he can watch ESPN instead.

Let’s assume your dog does the worst thing a dog could ever to you: Chew up your favorite pair of red pumps and leave the shards at the foot of the bed. After your anger subsides, you realize this is a good thing: 1) It gives you the opportunity to go out and get a NEW pair of shoes and 2) Your dog will not whine and moan about the money you spent on said new pair of shoes. Because he’s A DOG. He can’t talk.

A dog is not going to leave his dirty socks all over the house.

A dog will not ride you about gaining too much weight. In fact, he will probably nuzzle his cute little head onto your ample lap and fall asleep on it.

If you get mad at your dog, he isn’t going to in turn get mad at you. On the contrary, he’ll do his best to make up misstep by being extra affectionate and un-learning his ‘bad’ behavior.

A dog will sit patiently in the car while you go into Nordstrom’s and shop as long as your heart is content to do so.  

A dog will guard you against all intruders. If he hears a strange noise, he isn’t going to tell YOU to go downstairs and investigate it or tell you “It’s nothing…go back to sleep.” He’s going to scurry on his four legs and check it out!

And best of all, you don’t have to ask your dog where he’s been all night or worry about if he’s been out with other women.  You know exacty where your dog has been all day and all night: locked up safely in the house/yard where you left him x hours ago.

So dear reader, if you’re looking for the “perfect” man, get in your car, go to PetSmart, and go buy yourself a dog.

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8 thoughts on “If Only Men Were Actually Dogs

  1. Khadija

    I say men (the bad ones) are more like goats- stubborn and will sniff and bang the next female goat in a heart beat.

    1. Malaka Post author

      Oh. Poor goats! i have to find something nice to say about goats in that case. I’m thinking….aaaaaand coming up with nothing.

  2. A-dub

    Oh, and to add to it, you can train any dog to be exactly how you want him to be – so says that British dog training lady. A stubborn man is untrainable – no matter how much effort you put into it.

  3. Malaka Post author

    Ah. A man is a human being. He has his own feelings. You can’t train someone not to have feelings! These British people, I tell you.

  4. Nana Ama

    I hate dogs! Been bitten by one before. I prefer cats, they’ve got a lot going for them – independent, obsessed with cleaning themselves, can catch their own food, haughty and mean streak/sharp claws behind all that purring and snuggling! But I wouldn’t live with one, though.

    Great article! Thank you. At the moment, all the men I know, (blood relations and not) belong in the dog house! Your article has been a useful safety valve for venting my frustration and anger with each and everyone of that species! Maybe I shouldn’t be wasting emotional and physical energy on people who pee standing up!

    Its difficult to take goats seriously! We all know they’ll bang anything in sight, will eat anything too! On the flip side, they end up in delicious soup!

    Ok, I can hear the mutterings ‘And your point is…?’ Don’t mind me, I’m feeling really crotchety, thanks to one of those beings who pee standing up, so…

  5. shidifu

    This must be an Americain blog…..girlies….men die younger than women…..because they want to…..

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