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I’m Not Weird for Wanting my Own Room – I’m Not.

Readers, I’ve got something for you all to judge. What’s your take on this?

My husband and I are going through a quiet ‘battle’ concerning whether or not I should be allowed to have my own room when we move to South Africa. If we had the space in our current home, I would have moved into my own bedroom ages ago. I want to move, not because I don’t love my husband, but because I want to keep loving him.

I’ve always had to share a room with someone; a sister, a cousin, an “orphan” my family had temporarily adopted…I’ve never had a space to call my own. Even in college I had to have a dorm mate, except for the one year I was an R.A., but even that was short lived. So when I finally struck out on my own and got my first apartment (complete with a set of roommates), I was thrilled to have my own room, finally! I could decorate it the way I wanted, watch whatever I wanted on TV, listen to music as loudly (or quietly) as I wanted… because it was what? MY room.

Then I got married; Got married and moved into my husband’s house. My husband didn’t want any “unauthorized” decorations in the room including pictures, ornaments or window treatments. He has a penchant for dull colors, so the only color we could agree on for the walls was a mustardy, copperish brown. I on the other hand like bright vibrant colors, and wanted to implement them, but he said emphatically that this was not “my” room, it was “our” room and we had to agree on any ornamentation.

*Long blank stare*

So for the last 6 years we’ve had bare mustard/brown walls and the same brown and blue striped bed spread– Although he did voluntarily put up some window treatments while I was away one weekend 2 years ago. That was nice.

 Now that we have the opportunity to choose a new house together, I would like it to have enough room for me to have a room of my own, and not just because we can’t agree on what color the linen should be. If the kids are crying in the middle of the night, I like to be able to wake up and have them lie next to me instead of screaming their heads off in the next room. I cannot bear the grating sound of a shrieking infant at four in the morning. I’d rather pick cotton than be subject to incessant wailing. In addition, the girls sometimes have nightmares and want to cuddle with their parents. My husband cannot abide this (although this month he’s been a bit more congenial in that regard), and I would like them to feel secure enough to come and get comfort from their mother if they need it and she’s willing to give it.

Oprah did a show about 2 months ago about ‘odd’ human behavior, and a couple who have had separate rooms for 8 years were on the show as ‘Exhibit E’ as what was considered “odd”. But to me, their sleeping arrangement made perfect sense. He likes a hard bed, she likes a soft one. She likes the room cold, he likes the room hot. He snores, she’s a light sleeper. The traditional (or ‘normal’) arrangement meant that she wasn’t getting any quality sleep, and she admitted that she was a mean-spirited slhore during the day because she wasn’t sleeping at night. They got separate rooms and voila! She was transformed into a kinder mother and more loving wife.

Dr. Phil admonished them because he said sleeping together is the only thing married people (or cohabiting couples) do exclusively together and hinted that they were somehow missing out on something fabulously exclusive.


Why voluntarily live a life of misery? What…so you can tell your friends and family that you are equally miserable as they are sharing a room with their spouse? Bump that. Give me my own bedroom today.

Am I wrong? I don’t think I am, and I know ONE person who’ll certainly agree with me: David S.

This article has 44 comments

  1. Marshall Grant

    This post warrants me to comment:

    May I add, that I have emphatically apologized for being an idiot and not allowing her to choose the type of room she wanted. I was a newlywed, stupid, still thinking as a single man, but I changed my ways!

    I’ve even begged her to decorate the room any way she wants. But she refuses. I don’t know why.

    I personally enjoy the closeness I feel with her sleeping in the same bed at night. I like watching her go to sleep and wake up in the morning. To me, that is a special part of marriage that only married people can truly enjoy.

  2. Malaka

    No one will be persuaded by your charming words. Public opinion is on my side!!!

  3. Marshall Grant

    My hands are up high, my pockets are empty and I’ve offered a full surrender. I’ll let the public judge me if I don’t comply to the full terms of the cease fire.

  4. Malaka

    Mia from California sent a text because she cannot comment on the blog from her phone: Its unusual yes, but if you think that it has long term positive benefits Marshall should agree to give it a go, He may find he likes it or you may find you dislike it, but at least you tried it.

    That means the score is still nil/nil.

  5. Misty

    Don’t want to get in your business, but I want my own room too!!
    No more snoring, people stumblin’ in late at night, bed shifting around or overheating because someone else is ALWAYS cold.
    That’s what I want.
    And I’d like some frilly sheets also. With a theme of roses, roses, roses……….

  6. Marshall Grant

    Did she read my comment?

  7. Ruby

    I love Marshall! And yes, his charming words ARE working! Marshall, please allow yourself to be cloned and sprinkled all over the world 🙂

  8. Marshall Grant

    @Misty – See, what I do is if I start snoring, I go work out. That is a great way to stop snorning. Also, I try my best to go to bed at the same time Malaka does. Finally, If I’m hot I take the covers off me and typically ask if I can turn on the fan. It’s all about working it out!

    @Ruby – So glad to have at least one person loving a brother…

  9. Malaka

    Misty’s husband snores…she wasn’t refering to you. Snoring is a feature many of you husbands share.

  10. David S.

    Yeah, I am SOOO staying out of this one. This is between you and Marshall. Sort it out.

  11. Rasheeda

    Marshall you almost won me over to your side- you are a crafty one- but I am still with you Malaka…I want my own room too! And I want it to be super girly with a reading chaise and soft ambient music so I can read and I want it to smell pretty all.the.time…so I am right there with you, in the next house, things will be different.

  12. Mia Haywood

    @ Marshall – I did, however it seems your wife’s desires are much stronger than just window treatments now. Of course you will miss her and she will miss you but does not absence make the heart grow fonder? For six years you have gotten to watch her sleep, now it is the tv’s turn. (yes, you made me get out of bed and to the computer for this one Malaka)

  13. Mia Haywood

    @ Marshall – i still love you too, just think that this is an issue that you should concede on… for now. just try it Prince Charming. love your wife enough to put her desires first.

  14. Malaka

    Hey, hey… HEEEY MIA. Is that sarcasm I detect?? I got sum’n fuh ya. You just wait.

    Thank you Rasheeda. Glad you’re feeling me girl. I LOVE your new room. It sounds just like mine! *gush, gush!!*

  15. Marshall Grant

    @Mia – I don’t have a problem with more than window treatments. The problem is that I’ve specifically said, “please decorate the room ANY way you want.” If it wasn’t clear, I will say it again, “Have your way babe. I like your style.” What haven’t I said that doesn’t put her desires first?

  16. Khadija

    I am totally feeling you Malaka. There is nothing weird about you doing what will make you happy so long as you and Daddy have an understanding and the separate rooms sounds like a nice compromise. When my late husband was a live the children and I took over our room and he slept on the sofa. Hey you better than me because I don’t even want a husband full time anymore, which also means having my own space 3-4 days per week.

  17. Marshall Grant

    @Rasheeda – What ever happened to the powder room? What You’re Wanting; A Powder Room For a Princess

  18. mia

    @ Marshall – its no longer about decorating dear.

  19. mia

    @ Malaka – no, no sarcasm. I want ya to be happy.
    @ Marshall – look at this as an opportunity to enhance the sex life. I can see some role playing in your future… #imjustsaying

  20. Marshall Grant

    @Mia – its not about sex…

  21. mia

    @ Marshall – I know, just tryna point out a possible benefit. You guys will work it out. Good Luck. Btw, if you could hold off on your move until Mason and I can get out there to visit big sis it would be greatly appreciated… #imjustsayin….

  22. Marshall Grant

    @Mia – #toolate

  23. AS

    I’m with Marshall on this one. Now quit holding a grudge and go paint those walls shocking pink – then let us know how much of a headache you get in the morning when you stare at it.

    Infant crying at 4am and you want them in your bed. Girl, how big a rod do you want for your own back? That infant has to learn sooner rather than later that they have a perfectly good bed to sleep in and shrieking at 4 in the morning. I must add my 3 year old still does her excuse, crocodiles! – Fortunately my dear husband wakes up goes and soothes her and that’s the end of the matter. She learnt quite early on that caterwauling at that time of the night gets her nothing!

    What you need is an office/room you can retreat to. Decorate it how you want to. People only enter when you allow them to. That’s your domain. Teach the young’uns not to trespass. It’ll take some teaching but it sure will happen. Whilst we’re at it, start learning to delegate – sounds like you need it and most importantly I’ll send you an email about the other issue. xx

  24. Nana Afoah

    I want my own room too! Go for it!

  25. Rasheeda

    Marshall, you are crafty one indeed–that link cracked me up cuz that’s exactly what I want!

  26. Malaka

    Then it’s settled. I will have my own boudoir to retreat to, decorated in shocking pink and rosey red, with Marie Antoinnette inspired furniture AND a chaise lounge for reading and gazing out of the window.

    The husband and I will maintain shared sleeping quarters. I can live with the compromise. The Public has spoken!

    *Gavel hits the bench*

  27. A-dub

    Unfortunately Marshall you married a Gyekye… and as you know, with our clan once you tell us NO, and later change your mind, it takes heaven coming down to the sea to make us change our minds and accept your yes. We are a stubborn lot. So sorry, buddy, Malaka will probably never paint the walls or decorate the room to her liking – give that one up.

    Malaka, I do think you two should continue sharing a room if there is no problem affecting your sleep. However, I agree with AS – you need a SHE CAVE! In your bedroom the kids can still come in but the SHE CAVE …NO ONE but you can enter without your permission! And as for comforting the kids…put a cot in their new room that way when they wake at night sleep with them in there – let them know that THEIR room is also safe.

  28. A-dub

    You must have posted your reply while I was typing mine … booooooo…. now mine seems redundant!

  29. Kaye_dz

    **Disclaimer** I am unmarried so my bed is not regularly slept in by another.
    I used to think this arrangement strange with my uncle and his Wife, but I now understand. Being young, when I get married, I want all the snuggling possible. But i’m sure after 5+ yrs it will loose its appeal and i’d like to have my own space, though I might still sleep in the same bed.

    Malaka heh… own room.. but same bed. ( you can paint your nails and decorate in the other room but the marital bed dierrr i beg)

    I have since read about a lot of couples doing the living apart thing and how that allows them to have their own lives and keep the spark. Buuuut this isn;t your situation so:

    Sooo Marshall ditto Ruby with the little Marshalls all over the world. #Winning

    and Malaka, #fail.
    Read: http://articles.cnn.com/2008-09-12/living/lw.sleep.alone.when.married_1_national-sleep-foundation-sleep-council-couples?_s=PM:LIVING
    and http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/health/more-couples-sleeping-apart-is-this-healthy-2168681

  30. Malaka

    I like your reply. I can delete mine.
    But Marshall, I hope you have heard: You’re first answer is the ONLY one that matters, so next time, choose your words very, very, VERY carefully.

  31. David S.

    So does this mean Marshall also gets his own game room/workshop/office?

    • Malaka

      I doubt any house (that we can afford) has that much room. I called first dibs, so I get the spare room!

  32. Allison

    Get your own room. Stat! I adore my future husband, but we simply cannot share a room. When we first stopped fighting that very blatant fact, I felt weird. I mean, was something wrong with our relationship? Was this a symptom of something bigger that would culminate in the realization that we were not fated? NO!!

    These were the facts:
    We were simply not used to being in a bed with another body, being as we’d never had to be before.
    I got sick of being nice and scrunching myself onto the couch because it was 2 am and I didn’t want to wake him when I finally stumbled into bed.
    He hogs the covers and hits snooze for 30 minutes every morning.

    At this stage, I think having our own rooms has saved our relationship because I literally hated him when we had to tiptoe around each other. Even if you don’t use your room as much as you think you will, just knowing that it’s there, waiting for you, will be a great comfort. And Dr. Phil can suck it. He’s a redneck hack who wouldn’t know normal if it walked up and introduced itself.

  33. Allison

    And when we win the lottery or come up with a foolproof bank robbery scheme, we are so getting a house with 2 master bedrooms. I saw that Oprah episode as well and that couple were my people.

  34. Nana

    I’m with the having your own separate room group as your unique space and a joint bedroom with the hubby! Mwah.

  35. Morocco

    I understand your reasons, but I think sleeping together is a sweet thing. When I had a husband, I would have been totally offended if he wanted to sleep in a completely different room. I am the snuggly type and I liked sleeping right under him.

  36. Dee

    After 16 years of being married to an erratic shift work where I get no uninterupted sleep and our room looks like a dungeon cause he has to block sunlight out…Im getting my own bedroom . yaaaa. Im happy and sad at the same time. I dont show my happiness to my husband though, its disrespectful I think and rejecting. I feel bad it has to be this way and told him so but also thank him for agreeing to it. I just want to sleep .Im very cranky nasty when Idont. Youd think he would want to get away from me but he doesnt seem to mind what a b@#@# I become with not enough sleep. He loves me 🙂 But I need to sleep. end of story.

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