The Birds, The Bees and Herpes

Nadjah will be turning 7 in 6 months, which means I have to start gearing up for a chat about sex, and now that it’s 2011, sexuality. 40 years ago, this conversation could have been postponed until she was at least 14 or 15, but with more and more elementary school children engaging in sexual activity, waiting that long to even have the conversation could have devastating effects for all of us.

The good thing about my eldest is that she has no secret thoughts -you’ll know exactly what’s on her mind. The troubling part is discovering what is actually on her mind. My trepidation concerning this next phase in her development stems from a very verbose comment Nadjah made the other day. She announced that she was going to “long kiss” her boyfriend when she got older. “Long kissing” a member of the opposite sex (or potentially a member of the same sex) is not something I think my, or any other, 6 year old should be concerned with. Her world should be focused on dolls, cartoons and cookies, not swapping spit with some pimple-faced high school jock/nerd.

Equally un-amused, and even more appalled, her father shut that aspiration down and stomped on it with his size 13 feet.

“You will not be long kissing anyone until you’re married,” he announced.

“That’s right!” I echoed.

“But you long kiss Mommy,” she objected.

“That’s because we’re married,” we said in unison.

“But girls long kiss boys on TV,” she reasoned further. (This is why we have removed ALL cable channels – including Disney and Nickelodeon – and rely solely on PBS for edutainment.)

I was going to say something about ‘jumping off of cliffs and would you do it too if you saw it on TV’, until Marshall broke out with “Kissing boys will give you mono.”

Wow. Okay. Well, since he brought up disease, I guess I’d have to roll with it. The next question was only natural:

“What’s mono?”

Off to Google we went, to explore the world of viral diseases. Mono didn’t look so bad, actually. I thought that I should show her a picture of chlamydia or gonorrhea, but there was more time for that. Satisfied that she did not want mono, she said that she would wait until she was married before she long kissed anyone.

This is only a temporary resolution, and I know it. It’s only a matter of time before some slick talking, dishonest little snot tries to approach my little girl with his version of “game”. As I said, 40 years ago, this would have been harmless, but we live in an age with the sexual landscape can actually kill you. In the 50s and 60s, the worst thing that could happen to a girl is that she got pregnant out of wedlock. These days, unprotected sex can lead to HIV/AIDS, the clap, pubic lice, cloudy piss, and a VD that can actually eat away your genitals. People are nasty.

Nadjah doesn’t have far to look for an example of the dangers of unprotected sex. Why, when she’s older, she can consult her Douche Bag sperm donor for a real life scenario.

While he was stationed in Germany/Japan/Italy/God knows where, Douche Bag entered a sexual relationship with another officer’s girl-friend, which as I understand it is not uncommon. They carried on their clandestine relationship for a number of weeks, until one day Douche Bag experienced pain in his nether regions. He went to the medic and discovered that he had the clap. Sparing no detail, he told me how they treated it. I, being kinder, will spare YOU those details, dear Reader.

Douche Bag was incensed. He called his booty call on the phone immediately.

“You gave me the clap!” he thundered.

“What?” the woman was bewildered. “I’m so sorry!”

“Well, we ain’t gonna see each other no more, but you need to tell your boyfriend you got a disease.”

As it turns out, her boyfriend was sleeping with a local whore, who in turn gave him VD, who in turn gave Douche’s booty call VD, who in turn gave HIM VD. It was just one big merry-go-round of venereal disease.

As society becomes more and more amoral, and people are less forthwith with what they do it secret, only Heaven and Hell know what awaits our children by the time they enter the dating arena. How sad is it going to be in 15 years when the word “love” becomes a synonym for “herpes”? As in “I love you…and I love her too. I could possibly be about to give you herpes.”

Happy Monday every one, and don’t forget to do your taxes!