I supposed she thought she was being terribly witty, the 23 year old brown-eyed brunette who just graduated from UGA 5 minutes ago with a degree in childhood education, but she wasn’t. If you work long enough, you’ll realize that at any place of commerce, there is one person who fills to role of office dumbass. You know: that one person who consistently utters the purest imbecilic and infantile expressions, while believing themselves to be of superior intellect, while also possessing the firm belief that they are a person worthy of admiration and respect —> DUMB ASS.
Nicole is my employer’s dumbass.
I have April 29th circled on my calendar at work, to serve as a reminder that in a few days, the shackles of self-imposed serfdom will be loosed from ankles when I voluntarily leave the work force. About a week ago, Nicole noticed the marked date.
“Why do you have the 29th circled?” she asked in her whining, suburban drawl.
“That’s my last day working here,” I replied.
“Oh really?” She looked shocked. “Why are you leaving?”
“I’m moving. My family is moving to South Africa.”
A quizzical look took over her face.
“Why would you want to move back?” she asked with obvious disdain.
It was my turn to take on the look of confusion.
“Back? I’m not from South Africa. ‘m from WEST Africa.”
I could see the cogs in her head shuffling around. North, South, West…Oh. She smiled slyly, smuggery consuming her countenance.
“So what…are you gonna have a pet giraffe in your back yard?”
“Or like, maybe a pet zebra?” she chuckled, emboldened by ignorant and archaic images of Africa floating around in the vacuous space that ideally would house a brain. “Maybe you’ll have a pet kangaroo too!”
That stupid nigga.
“That’s Australia, Nicole. Kangaroos are native to Australia.”
“Oh yeah…So when are you leaving? In March?”
I looked at the calendar. It said April 12th. What the hell was she talking about??
“What?” I asked incredulously.
“Are you leaving in MARCH,” she asked a little more slowly, like I was the dumbass.
I responded by looking at the calendar and then looking at her. After what seemed like an eternity, she recognized her folly.
“Oh gosh! It’s April! Heehee! Gosh, I wonder what else I’m gonna say!”
I couldn’t (and didn’t want to) even fathom what that might be.
Nicole is of German descent; as in her mom and dad moved to America from Germany just a few years before she was born. As a German, she ought to have the wherewithal to construe that asking me as an African if I planned to raise zebras (or kangaroo) in my back yard is as offensive as ME asking her if she planned to attend an SS rally after work and maybe go see about some Jews she may have chained up in her back yard. But again, she’s a dumbass, so there’s no way she could even come to that conclusion.
Y’all think I’m lying, don’t here? To prove my point, here is but a small sample of the casserole of dumbassery that I am served on a daily basis. Please partake of some of Nicole’s finest quotes:
After looking out of the window and seeing a goose perched on the roof of the building opposite ours:
Gasp! How did that goose get up there! Wait…is it pronounced ‘goose’ or ‘geese’?
“It’s goose for singular and geese for plural,” someone answers.
Yeah…but how did it get up on the building? They fly?? I never knew geese flew!
Regarding if she should wear a mini skirt or dress to a wedding reception:
Should I wear a mini skirt and a top? I guess I could wear a short dress. They’re the same thing.
“No…” someone replies, “they are different.”
Oh okay, whatever…so one has more fabric than the other, but a mini skirt and a short dress are the same thing.
Regarding the issue of slavery on the movie ‘Song of the South’:
Okay, yeah fine, they were slaves…but maybe the point of this movie was actually about those slaves that actually WERE treated well by their owners!!
What’s the dumbest thing anyone has ever said on your job? Or is Nicole, as I have come to suspect, truly the Dumbass Master of the Universe? Oooh, and lets not forget! – she’s supposed to be teaching kindergarteners as SOON as she can find a job in teaching. Parents, interview your child’s teachers very (very!) carefully. These are the geniuses who are educating America’s youth.