So this morning I hop out of the shower this morning and what do I hear? Probably the same thing you did if you live with a news broadcaster.
“Babe! They got ‘im!’
“Got who?” I asked, still foggy from being jolted out of sleep. “Saddam?”
“No…Saddam is dead. Bin Laden! The Navy Seals shot him last night.”
Dag…it only took 10 years. How many millions of dollars did we spend hunting him? Maybe oil and commodity futures will rally and we can get the economy back on track…
“So where’s his body?”
“They dumped it at sea.”
Humph. No body, no proof.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t believe he’s dead. The lack of a of body leaves too much room for conspiracy theorists to hawk their theories. And even if he IS dead, terrorism doesn’t necessarily die WITH him. (Just as many people thought the bad economy would die with the corpse that became George Bush’s presidency.) If anything, this will only intensify jihadists resolve as they seek to avenge their now presumed dead venerable leader. Unless…
****Lights fade out****Lights fade in
Barack Obama is seated at his desk, his head in his hands. His reelection team has been wracking their brains to come up with a way to secure his win for the 2012 presidential race. Finally Thomas, the garden gnome who has been advising presidents since Jefferson pops his head out of the cabinet where he’s been kept for the last 400 years. His Revolutionary style coat is tattered, the evidence of his refusal to be fitted for more contemporary clothing. Thomas quietly asks everyone to leave the room, and approaches a solemn Obama cautiously.
“Barry. It’s time,” he says gravely.
“Thomas…” says the president.
The gnome raises his ceramic hand, signaling that he will not brook any dispute.
“You have to make the call, Barry.”
Obama sighs, and picks up the pink Nokia phone that has been hidden in the great oak desk in the West Wing. Clinton had it placed there, telling each occupant that it must only be used when the stakes were higher than the US could contend with. He dials only 4 digits: #$%1
“Hey Binny, it’s Barack.”
“Oh hey dude! What’s up?’
“Look…I need you to do something for me,” says the president. “I need you to go ahead and give yourself up.”
Bin Laden is aghast.
“Awww, man! You know I can’t do that dude. I JUST got done building this compound in Pakistan…and my niece just had a baby 2 months ago…I got a lot going on man!”
Obama was disgusted with bin Laden’s unyieldingness.
“Look dude. We’ve let you roam around for a really LONG TIME. B.C. let you off the hook with that whole Yemen thing, and you really had no business bombing the embassy in Kenya. I got family there man!”
“You’re right,” bin Laden muttered. “That crossed the line.”
“So you’ll come in peaceably then? I really need this. I need a big fish to prove I’m a strong leader. You’re my marlon.”
“I told! The luxury compound…it’s got a sand pit with sand from Mars and everything!”
“Binny…” Obama says threateningly.
“Ok. Ok,” Osama concedes. “What about if we pull a Tupac and we just act like I’m dead? I’ll fall off the radar and promise not to claim anymore atrocities. You get to look good, and I get not to die.”
Obama thinks about it. Thomas, the garden gnome has been listening the whole time. He nods his head in approval.
“Cool. Well, the Navy Seals have already shot your two body guards…so I just need you to lay down and act like you’re dead. They’re going to take your body out to sea and dump it, where there’ll be a submarine waiting to take you to the Island.”
“Yeah,” Obama explains. “The one where Elvis, Pac and all the other pop culture icons whose bodies we can’t locate are chillin’”
“Oh. Whew! Okay cool,” breathes Osama. “Look dude. I really appreciate you not shooting me.”
The two men hang up. Obama looks grieved, and Thomas does his best to comfort him. He strokes his white beard against Obama’s lap.
“See? That wasn’t so bad,” says the ceramic figurine. “Now call up Georgie and sing nah nah boo boo. You’ll go down in history as the president who got Osama bin Laden to come outta hidin’!”
Of course, this is all speculation. If the reports are true, bin Laden bin dead for almost 18 hours. Navy Seals don’t miss.