Why I shut Down My Facebook Account – Again

Last week I groggily got out of bed and went down stairs to the living room of my rented apartment. I turned on the lights, sat down in my sofa and took a look around. Something was different. My confused thoughts were interrupted by a rapid knock on the door. It was the police.

“Mrs. Grant?”

“Yes?”

“We understand you have some photographs on your wall.”

“Photographs…?”

“Yes,” the police continued. “You have some offensive photographs on your wall, and we are here to confiscate them.”

I was confused and unnerved.

“But…this is MY house! You just can’t come in here and take down my stuff!”

One of the officers shook his head.

“No. You only rent this house. And you’re not allowed to have any offensive or pornographic images on your wall or in your albums.”

“But I don’t…”

“Ma’am! That’s enough chatter.”

They brushed past me and snatched the ‘offending’ image off my wall. Bewildered, I asked them why they had chosen my house?

“We received a tip,” they muttered gruffly.

“A tip? From whom?!” I shouted.

“One of your friends. A friend who visits you often enough told us you had lewd material in your numerous albums and we’re here to take it.”

With that they were gone…taking the two pictures of my uterus and my placenta with them.

That’s pretty much what happened with the Facebook Gestapo came to my photo album chronicling the birth of my second born daughter, Aya. I logged on one day and saw a big yellow alert that said I had violated the photo policy that prohibits the posting of any ‘obscene and/or pornographic material’. Since I am neither a porn connoisseur nor consumer, I wondered what the f**k they were talking about. A quick glance through my albums revealed that the ‘pornographic image was none other than my uterus. Now who in their right mind gets off on a picture of a uterus?? That’s obscene.

Aya is almost 5 years old, so the album is no less than 3 years old. It elicited precisely the response that I wanted (at the time) from my ‘friends’ who stopped by to look: Ewww!! GROSS!!

I’m just weird like that.

Now that the Facebook photo Nazis have come into my internet real estate, rented though it may be, I have been thrust into the realm of deductive reasoning. It’s not a place I like to be. I can only deduce this chain of events based on the facts.

Facebook has over 600 million users on its network. They’re not going to dedicate hundreds of man hours trolling these users photo albums to enforce their image policy. This means they rely on people to report (or snitch) to enforce said policy. A picture of a blurry red blob posted in 2009 can hardly be perceived as “pornographic”. Everything on my account is (or was) private. Only ‘friends’ could view my pictures, and therefore only a friend could have made the report.

I was an avid Facebook user, but I was equally terribly selective about whom I friended or shared my personal information with. So that conclusion that someone that I had allowed into my fold had betrayed me so utterly was a little more than I could take. I immediately went on an unfriending spree. Everyone was a suspect. The prudish members of my church; a small population of pompous  Ghanaians; primary school classmates; people I had come to know through my blog or friends of friends. Finally, the speculation became all too much for me to deal with and I just shut the whole thing down. (This is a technique I learned from Prince.) I would never be able to accurately say WHO reported the picture of my pornographic uterus, and I could not bear the thought that despite my cleansing efforts, the offender may still have been lurking among my remaining 333 ‘friends’.

It has been often said that the anonymity of the internet emboldens people to say and do the things they would otherwise never have the power to do in real life. I highly doubt that if Facebook equally reported who lodged the complaint concerning the policy violation, more people would be apt to do it. My hope is that one day the punk ‘kitten’ who reported my image has the balls to call me – or even stop by the house – and confess, so I can tell you in real life what blankity-blank-blanking-blank you are. That, and you’re an idiot if you equate a placenta to a sexually exciting stimulant.

/rantcomplete

  • sangima

    How is a placenta pornography? I probably didn’t think nothing of the picture and that’s why I don’t even remember seeing it.

  • That’s because of a number of things: 1) You have more common sense than that. 2)It was posted in two thousand-frikkin- NINE! 3) A placenta is neither pornographic nor provocative.

    I guess I’m just more annoyed because I only allow “cool” people to be my friends, and clearly I misjudged a certain individual. I truly wonder who this idiot was.

  • A-dub

    Now that I think of it I can see how it happened now and not in 2009 ……

    So you know when you go to your home page, message page or just someone else’s page they now have random albums that pop up on the right side of the screen. If they missed it in ’09 now they can see it again. And they probably JUST learned about reporting pics – just like they JUST learned about tagging pics. And there you have it…. I for one think it was a Ghanaian church member.

  • Nah…that’s way to simple. And I don’t have any Ghanaian church members I was friends with. I think it was some punk dude that couldn’t handle it…like C-Dub or one of his cohorts

  • sayitlikethis

    Funny to read this today while I sit in sexting training and discussing FB & pornographic images. Lol.

    • Sexting training?? Is that anything like being a phone operator in the 80’s…or do you work for a text service/company where you send porn images instead of jokes?

      No. Seriously. I wanna know.

  • Umm, can I say, RIDICULOUS?
    Do they not know how to censor themselves? Just don’t look at it! Duh!
    What kind of chicken did this?
    Stand up for yourself you LAME person,you!
    Malaka, this “friend”of yours stinks!
    Did I hear Skunk?

  • I wouldn’t call them a skunk so much as I would a festering, putrid, fetid pile of poo…but yeah, they pretty much stink, just as you said.

  • nana_aida

    i know how you feel… i posted some surgery pictures on FB and someone ratted me out too… oh the betrayal!

  • Mia Haywood

    let me preface: IT WAS NOT ME… but the report was of obscene/pornographic. no? I say post what you want because i choose my own friends but some prudes (aka Ghanaian church members) may have found it offensive enough to consider it obscene.

    Definition of OBSCENE
    1: disgusting to the senses : repulsive
    2d: so excessive as to be offensive

    but i say fuck ’em. you like fb. come back. who cares what other people think. some things we just deal with the minor annoyances to get the greater benefit

  • David S.

    You dey joke? So some coward snitching to the facebook police has managed to run you off of facebook? Are you for real? What happened to the Malaka at 34 who doesn’t let things bother her that would have bothered Malaka at 24? What happened to the Malaka that isn’t going to worry about pleasing other people and worry about herself first? What’s worrying you? That one of your hundreds of friends on facebook turned out to be a fake backstabber? Did you really think you could acumulate 300+ friends on facebook without picking up at least one backstabber? Jesus salf had his Judases. Stop playing. You can’t let this one incident run you off of facebook.

  • Ah. But you people know me. I shut down my fb account every 6 months. I’ll probably come back in T minus 2 weeks. I don’t even have time to get on fb since I’ve been home. Shoot, I don’t even have time to blog anymore since I’ve been back home.

    Somebody give me a topic. My brain is shot to hell.

  • MissCrys

    Wow can’t believe someone had the gall to whinge to FB about one of your photos. What a ratbag. I like to think that one day you’ll come back and put up somemore henious photos to REALLY upset them. Maybe you can upset them so much they eventually unfriend you. What a moron. I hope they read your blog too>> Kwassiasem.

  • @MissCrys – I hope they read it too! What a gutless douche rag. Ahhhh!!

  • Moonshine1

    Malaka ~ what a brilliant way you write & tell things. You honest & you tell it like it is girl! With what happened to you due to a photograph in the privacy of your home, of your baby’s placenta, police taking it away is beyond belief & illegal. It is nothing less than bizarre ( not the uterus, but police basically stealing your personal property, of which you had great emotional attachment ).
    Unusual things like this have happened to myself ~ a photo I took into my Son’s school of which I was stupidly innocently proud of, was my Son with The “Care Monkey” ,don’t ask…& I thought because I didn’t know & my Son, I was sure, called it the “Cheeky Monkey”. Well, I took a lovely photo of my Son with the cuddly toy, on his shoulder ( I thought it looked artistic & quirky & I had to take it quick as my Son couldn’t be bothered with having his photo taken. The “care Monkey ” as I now know it to be, would be given to all ‘lucky’ students to take home & have a photo taken with it & then put it up on the wall in school.
    The photo ( taken in the back garden ) with what I thought was the cheeky monkey sat on my Son’s shoulder. I photoshopped it with having writing put on it,in the school’s colours ~ my Son’s name & in brackets ( & ” The Cheeky Monkey!” ). I had it laminated too, so it wouldn’t get ruined & got another printed out for the wall at home.
    Anyway, without realising it, the toy, the monkey, had a tail…..& the tail was a different colour to the rest of the monkey, beige colour was the tail & the rest of it was brown & it was sat there on my Son’s shoulder, but yes, the bloomin tail was right there between it’s legs. So with the writing I put on the photo & calling it the cheeky monkey, not the care monkey’ they never did put it up. In fact the photo frightenlngly apparently dissapeared from the admin office. I was proud of the photo, my Son looked lovely & the photo was good,albeit slightly wrong – the wrong name. Unfortunate about the tail being where it was but I took the photo super quick & for goodness sake it was & is ( as we have a copy at home ~ FUNNY! ).
    It’s not perverted, as it most definately wasn’t intended that way & I found it highly offensive that probably some real pervert stole it at school. Why didn’t they just give it back to me if they thought it was innapropriate in any way.I didn’t even realise the faux pa until I’d handed it in to the school . It was innocent & funny & some freakish bozo decided they knew better & confiscated it forever. That makes me sick. Also he had terrible trouble with bullying at the school & the teachers would only see him as the problem, just like your daughter, to the point he is now excluded until the summer holiday’s, when after then he’ll be going up to secondary school ( high school ) & hopefully have a fresh start, with kinder teachers & kinder students…..I live in hope.

    • Oh gosh! What a funny/sad/annoying story! I laughed about the monkey. It was an innocent faux pas. 20 years ago we would have collectively laughed about it.

      I live in hope for you and your son too. It’s hard outchere in these parenting streets, I tell ya…

  • Moonshine1

    Thanks for replying Malaka. I felt somewhat kindred with you, you know from your experiences & especially about the bullying issue with your little girl at school, it’s just not on & these teachers keep on getting away with it. Viva la revolution!!!! We need one, or all us ‘little people’ ~ The Expendable Masses – exert from the film “The Fisher King”, will have no say at all & this Democratic Western life will become no more than a regime & so called professionals teachers, doctors, police, mental health teams are bound to put that in practice, whatever profession they’re in, they do what the government bodies tell them to do & a whole lot more, which isn’t documented properly & convieniently dissappered.Like your uterus & blessed placenta & my lovely” cheeky monkey” photo. I tell you this, the World’s gone mad & it’s all about to be brought out into the light. I can’t wait, I say ” HALLELUJAH “

  • Moonshine1

    Just after I wrote the words “The Fisher King”, I missed out the words – or we will have no say at all. Just had to put that to correct my grammatical error!