What the First Lady’s Hair Tells You About the President

Three nights ago many in the nation tuned in to watch Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich exchange fire from their individual podiums during the GOP presidential debate. Rick Santorum and Ron Paul’s presence served no real purpose, but it was kind of them to show up in person to witness the exchange with the rest of us. Between Mitt’s calls for illegals to engage in self-deportation and Newt’s proposal that the use take another crack at the Bay of Pigs, Paul and Santorum managed to get a few whispers in edgewise, but failed to make any lasting impact with their utterances. I did get a sense on how each man would approach and settle foreign policy matters. If made president, Newt would declare nuclear war on all America’s enemies with the support of his friend, Santorum. Romney would only agree to these exploits if the targets were allowed to ‘self-deport’ from  homes and only agree to do so in an effort to uphold the appearance of diplomacy. If all else failed, our government could summon then Ron Paul to gather the rest of the world’s leaders and invite them to toast marshmallows and sing Kumbaya in an effort to rehabilitate our image. Everyone likes campfires and marshmallows.

Did you see the debate? I for one never thought that President Obama had a crack at a second term, but if these characters are the GOP’s only options Mr. Obama will be hosting a string of beer and kenkey summits this Christmas, just because “he can”.

After the televised travesty had ended, I left the room to get a cup of tea, neglecting to change the channel or turn off the TV. I saw something that nearly made me drop my cup:

 Callista Gingrich’s hair.

They say behind every great (or fairly decent) man, is a woman. You can tell a lot about a woman by judging her hair, and you can tell even more about the man’s she’s with based on that same coif.

For instance, I wear my hair natural and in an afro puff almost 89% of the time. This says that I don’t have time to style my hair, but I care enough to keep it neatly out of my face. It says I’m easy going and not looking to impress. The same couldn’t be truer about my husband. He could care less about others’ opinions of him, takes a simple approach to solutions and places high priority on just the basics. The way a woman wears her hair is a reflection of her man’s values. It takes a great deal of time and money to maintain a signature do (even if it turns out to be a fashion flop), and a man must be willing to divert these funds from the household coffers to achieve this. In the same vein, when a woman finds a style she really likes, she really wants her man to approve of and appreciate that style as well. What a man finds attractive says even more about him.

Let’s take a look back at some of the hair dos of some of our most well-known first ladies.

 Nana Konadu Rawlings

I like Mrs. Rawlings. She was/is hard core. She was first lady for – I dunno – 20+ years, and apart from the odd ordering of the disappearance of certain undesirables, was a pretty stand up gal. But not completely stand up, you see? She always wore these weird tuban-y looking head ties that looked like they’d been manufactured by enslaved children in Gabon. They looked entirely too tight and only covered half her head, instead of the full traditional cover most of our women wear. President Rawlings let her carry on this way for years because I believe in a Freudian way, it resonated with him. His regime was rife with half-truths and half kept promises, just like that half-head scarf/half-hat worn by his wife.

 Chantal Biya

OMG.

WTH?

WTF?

…and any other acronym you can think of. The way her husband runs the country is equally distressing and head scratching, but it stands to reason. Cameroon can’t figure out what they are about. They are half Anglophone, half Francophone and all Confusion…ophone.

 Nancy Reagan

She used to be Nancy Davis and was an American actress. Her hair was always kept short and classically reflected the style of her day. It was current, but not trendy. It’s debatable, but one could argue that it was a reflection of Reagannomics – a simplistic approach to restoring the economic integrity of America by cutting back on ‘non-essentials’. This was achieved by:

  • Reducing government spending increase
  • Reducing income tax and capital gains tax
  • Reducing government regulation of economy
  • Controlling  money supply to reduce inflation

Was the length of Nancy’s hair also not reduced and controlled?

 Hillary Clinton

What great hair. It’s got great body and color. She’s always kept it just below her neck line, leaving it neither long or short. It’s as though she refuses commit solely to either length. Her hair is barrel curled and then smoothed out to complete the style, and never will you find a strand out of place. Her hair says “I’m having a good time, but I also mean business!” Was there ever a president who had more fun in the Oval Office than Bill Clinton?

  Michelle OBAMA(!)

Hot dog. Every Black woman wants that hair. It’s blowy, it’s got shine, it’s got bounce and she changes it up all the time. You never know WHAT she’s going to do with it. It looks simple on the outset, and doesn’t look like it can achieve much, but I’ve seen her flip it, put in in a pony tail, pin it in an updo…you just never know what’s coming next! Did Ghadaffi or Bin Laden know what was coming for them? I think not people, I think not.

Callista Gingrich

Now, she’s not first lady yet, but she could be. We must never doubt the possibility. Unlike her husband’s affections, her hair just stays in one place. It won’t MOVE and it’s unnatural!  It’s unyielding and hard, like a boulder, or a helmet, or a skillet. It’s not hair. And Newt Gingrich is not a president. A president needs to be able to compromise when necessary, and take the side of right, not just THE Right. Look at Callista’s hair. Look AT IT!! Do you want that running the country for the next four years??

‘Nuff said.

  • NM

    Brilliant! LMAO! Mrs. Chantal Biya’s writeup cracked me up!!!

  • David S.

    Oooohhhh, why are you worrying Chantal Biya like that? Allow the woman. She clearly doesn’t have girlfriends to advise her. And no comment on Ann Romney’s hair?

    • We have to worry Chantal! As you said, she has no girl friends to advise and and her husband clearly doesn’t live her. How can he let her leave the house like that?? No no no.

      I honestly didn’t even know Romney was married. I just assumed he didn’t do sex. Can’t put a finger on why?

      • David S.

        Beh you paaah, he’s a mormon. He has to have a wife … or 7.

  • Lucy Kibaki, or Kirucy has this wig and when she uses a drier the whole country gets a blackout. Apparently she washes her hair once a week. Believe it or not there is power blackouts every week in Kenya.

    • I am dying over here!! What??? Oh no no no no…

  • Enyinnaya

    Mean spirited, but amusing and she is not even running for office

  • Kwesi Afeku

    Girl, where did you find that picture?

    • Dude. The Internet has many treasures!

  • taweni

    Chantal Biya! I am on the floor over here… MEGALOL!!!

  • Omg hilarious , i died at Chantal Biya’s hair…..btw malaka, i love your blog just discovered it and cant stop reading, great great work!

  • jemmy

    The first thing that always attracts me to Dr. Ngozi Okonjo Iweala, Nigeria’s Finance Minister is her scarf. Her scarf always carries a sense of I don’t care attitude. Does that inform her current economic policy implemented without taken due measures?

  • FONKI Celestine

    I dont want to say a YES or a NO to your question, because one does not know about tomorrow. Even the things you fear most sometimes happen, and they do so with reasons. I think too your ideas about the hairdo of the presidents wives makes a lot of sence. But for me I think its not human to be suffering from taking decisions at a point of time when all eyes are on you as a leader/(s). I am not also in support of the Obamas, but its nice to be flexible at times with some certain decisions especially as time changes a lot factors too when put in place will authomatically affect decisions made yesterday. So thas why Obama is flexible with his decisions and seeing the hair style of is wife and being unable to predict what style she will come up with, if its compromising or being hard, is left with the way others will change too in future!

  • Pelo

    Nancy Reagan’s hairdo is debatable. I would say simplistic but deceiving.
    Even though Reagan suggested the mentioned principles, he did the opposite.

  • I can certainly agree with you there. Ironically, PBS aired a documentary that highlighted America’s role in bringing about the end of Apartheid. In it, it was revealed that Apartheid would not have persisted for so long through the 80s had it not been for Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan. As you said, simplistic but deceiving.

  • prousette

    Malaka,
    I stumbled on your blog yesterday and I have not stopped reading :D.
    You write really, really well.
    On to the issue at hand, the Lucy Kibaki ‘s hair is locally referred to as Ngong Forest and Maua is right about the blackouts.

    • Oh my! “Ngong Forest?” Gagagaa!!! Oh Africans. We can be so wicked.

      Glad to make your acquaintance on the blog! Welcome, welcome.