Elder Pleasure

How old are you? Somewhere between the ages of 28 and 42? Have you ever pondered your future and wondered: “Hmmm, what would be an appropriate age to stop having sex?” Yeah – I hadn’t either, until I went to pick up my kids from the bus stop this Friday, where I was confronted with a scene that forced to contemplate the issue. We have to go into M.O.M mode, in order for you to grasp in detail, what I am about to describe. Put on your imagination caps and let’s get into it:


Amelia Snowbottom took a final look at herself in the hallway mirror, assessing her image before leaving her home. Laugh lines fringed her pale green eyes and the dark circles beneath them seemed more pronounced, despite her vain efforts to cover them with concealer.  She had brushed and brushed again her wiry, dull brown hair, causing the nape-of-the-neck length follicles to become puffy and misshapen. The humidity ushered in by Spring’s sudden arrival did not help her cause much either. She did not want to appear eager, and she chose her outfit carefully.  She untucked her over-sized grey t-shirt from the elastic band of her tapered jeans for the third time. A pair of sensible shoes –dark blue Keds – completed the ensemble. She was ready. She stuck the keys into her ignition and drove away.

Arthur Bluntstick had just completed his workout at the LA Fitness on Holcomb Bridge road. At 65, he was the picture of health. Only his pale skin, flabby knees and greying hair betrayed his age. He walked with a slight limp, which only became more pronounced when he had an erection…and he hoped to have one this afternoon. He waved good-bye to the pretty young blonde manning the check-in desk and climbed into his red Tahoe. He could have walked to his destination, but he didn’t know how long it would take her to get there.

I’ll be in the parking lot in five minutes, he sent in a text.

He didn’t get a response, but he knew she’d be there. Amelia didn’t text and drive.

Arthur parked on the north side of the abandoned Home Depot parking lot, beneath the newly blooming red maple trees. The foliage was slowly coming back, providing just enough shade to protect the cab of his car from the noonday heat. Soon, Amelia’s red Lincoln sedan pulled up next to him. She looked nervous, and he smiled reassuringly. He got out of his car and pulled her gently to her feet, kissing her in greeting. Soon he pushed her body against the side of his vehicle, using his pelvis to steer her in the direction of his desire.

This is when I encountered the pair of them.

“Oh my God!!” I gasped to no one. “What are these people doing???”

Unaware (or uncaring) that they had an audience, Arthur lifted his palms and brushed them roughly over the surface of Amelia’s sagging breasts. She threw her head back and laughed girlishly. Soon she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his slight, aging body pecking at his neck and face playfully.

“Oh ewww!!! Make it stop!” I cried from the confines of my car. I wanted to look away, but I just couldn’t. It was like witnessing carnage, only it was my world view that was being destroyed and not a physical body. I continued to stare at the two who continued to make a spectacle of themselves, even as more and more cars pulled into the lot. Sweet Heavenly Father; were they going to keep at this when my kids got off the bus? I hoped not.

Soon Arthur and Amelia could no longer contain their passion. He whispered something in her ear, and she lumbered towards the driver side of her vehicle. He opened the door for her and she got in. He limped to the passenger side and shut his door as well.

“Whew! They’re leaving,” I said in relief.

Still staring at the elderly pair through the back windshield of her car and waiting for their departure, I came to a sudden and very grim realization. I could see Arthur’s head…but not Amelia’s…because she was giving him some.

“Oh GAWD!!! Oh ewwww!!!”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to look away. I tweeted my dissonance concerning what I had just witnessed. Fortunately, the bus came around the corner just a few minutes later. My kids hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, and I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. We drove home, with me only half listening to their innocent narration of their day’s events. After all, I had just had my innocence ripped from me by this elderly pair who pleasured themselves in full view of the public!

I’m uncertain how to end this post today. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about the whole thing. It’s kind of like that feeling when you walk into your father’s closet and find a pack of condoms sitting next to his deodorant. I guess people stop having sex when they’re no longer able…and when they’re no longer able they take out their dentures, bend over and –

Yeah. The end.