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Motherhood

Hats Off to YOU, Creflo Dollar!

…or should I say “shoe off”?

Whatever the case may be – Parents! I want you to reach down to your right foot and take off  your Stacey Adams, your Kelly & Katies, your China made chaley wote and raise it in the air in solidarity with me. Look at your child(ren) and say the following:

Yes chile… if you keeping popping off at the  mouth, I will pop your mouth off!

The news here in Atlanta is all abuzz because Creflo Dollar, pastor of World Changers Church International was arrested for domestic assault/abuse. The ‘victim’ was his 15 year old daughter who wanted to go to a party.

Let’s just stop right there, because if you have kids, ever watched a kid, or BEEN a kid yourself, you already know what happened.
First, please let me share with you my personal feelings about Creflo Dollar before I move forward with my feelings concerning these turns of events.  I was “introduced” to Creflo when I first moved to Atlanta 12 years ago by a would-be colleague.

“You never heard of Creflo Dollar?” she asked incredulously. “Well, I used to go to his church, but I just felt like it was too much hypocrisy in there.”

“How so?” I asked, intrigue permeating my every thought.

“Humph,” she grumbled. “Well, you have people rolling up into his church with Bentleys and Benzos, and then you got other folk in there who can’t even pay their light bill! I just feel like it’s too much hypocrisy.”

She looked at me expectedly. Was this my cue to nod? Because I didn’t. If you can’t pay your light bill, then buy some candles. I grew up underprivileged, and there is nothing I have today that I haven’t worked for or wasn’t given to me as a direct bonus of some work I have done previously. So yeah…but, NO. The woman’s other gripe was that Creflo himself was quite wealthy.

“I just don’t think it’s right for a pastor to have that much money!” she wailed.

What? Does the Bible say that? Short answer: no. The Bible says that it is “difficult for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven”, but nowhere does it say that a godly man cannot be rich…or that heaven excludes the rich by virtue of their income status. Stingy people come in all economic brackets, from dirt poor to stinking rich. It is the heart of a man that gets or keeps him out of heaven, not his money. Having more money just amplifies the stinginess that is in one’s heart. I know beggars who won’t share a space on their mat with less fortunate beggars because they are just wicked people. Creflo Dollar, in comparison, has given millions of dollars away in charity and set up education and job creation vehicles for the disenfranchised through his ministry. So all the idiots who dislike him for being wealthy can continue to dislike him. I haven’t heard one YET confess that they would give money away to people that they don’t know outside of their immediate circle.

So do I like Creflo Dollar? Yes I do. He preaches the Bible and does not harm others…until last night. And with that, we head back to our story, which you can read here.

Now, I have conferred with the Panther Mom Network, and we have determined EXACTLY what happened that fateful evening.  We’re going into M.O.M Mode Folks!

*****

It was an otherwise quiet Thursday evening, but a spirit of disquiet had been rumbling throughout the house. Quarter Dollar, Creflo and Taffi’s youngest had been yipping at the heels of the family and being spiteful all day. Weary from dealing with the child, Taffi retired to her 1200 square foot bedroom suite. (I know it is a suite, because I clean rich people’s houses now, remember?)

“Honey, I have to get away from this child, because if I don’t, I swear ‘fore the Lord I’m going to snatch her!” she said menacingly between thin lips.

“It’s okay babe,” replied Creflo, “I got this.”

Taffi saunters off and Creflo turns to his daughter.

“Look Quarter, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you are stressing your mother out,” he scolds. “You know we have so much going on! We’ll planning a mission trip for the next disaster coming this summer…because you KNOW God is displeased so there IS one coming…and I have to deal with all these crazy people flocking from Eddie’s church with all their demons and issues!”

“Daddy,” snarls Quarter, “that is YOUR life! I don’t care about any of that!”

“Adjust your tone, young lady,” he advises.

“I’m so bored in this house,” she continues saucily. “I need to get away. There’s a party tonight, and I want to go.”

Creflo looks at his beautiful daughter. The one he has prayed over since birth, sent to the best schools and clothed in the best garments. Her skin is glowing and healthy, a result of a good balanced diet and her legs are strong and shapely, also thanks to many years spent running in their expansive backyard playing games with friends. Now she is too “grown” to throw a ball or a Frisbee and she wants to enter the adult world. But she is fifteen. He understands. He really does. Just because he is a pastor does not make him inhuman. He looks sternly, but lovingly at his young child.

“No,” he replies curtly. “You cannot go. You can’t drive, for one, and if you are going with someone who CAN drive, you have no business hanging out with them anyways. Nothing good happens after 10 o’clock. Publix closes at 9:30, and so does your social time.”

Quarter’s eyes flash. She mutters something under her breath and spins around on her heel.

“What did you say?” calls Creflo after her.

The child is intelligent enough not to reply. Sadly, she is not smart enough to restrain herself from doing what she does next.

*****

It’s 1:00 am and Taffi and Creflo can’t sleep. Pastors and their wives rarely rest…at least the good ones don’t. They take their spiritual responsibilities very seriously and spend many late nights pouring over new ventures, ideas, and a plethora of “prophesies” from wackos who think they are hearing from someone on the other side of Jordan.

“Let’s take a break,” suggests Creflo to his wife. “Jesse DuPlantis is coming on soon. Let’s have a snack and watch him for a bit.”
Taffi smiles.

“I’d like that. I’ll make some tea. You get the cheese and crackers.”

The house is quiet and they pad downstairs, not wanting to wake Quarter and Cousin Ruckus. As they enter the kitchen, they are surprised to see a shadowy figure disarming the alarm. A female figure darts past them.

“Quarter?” gasps Taffi, who is horrified by what she sees.

Her young daughter is clad in sparkly booty shorts and a mid-riff bearing top. Her ears are sparkling with her mother’s $20,000 diamond teardrop earrings,  a gift from her husband for their 20 year wedding anniversary. Taffi feels her jaw tighten. An ungodly guttural sound gurgles from deep within her belly, surging its way past her lips. Quarter is defiant.

“Whatchu gonna do, Ma?” she says tauntingly. “You better not touch me….’cause I’ll call the police!”

The blogs were right. Quarter HAD earned her reputation as a little skank. Taffi lunges for her lippy daughter and Creflo extends his arm to block her advance. He whips around and glares at this 15 year old girl who has the gall to speak to his wife that way.

“Quarter, I’m going to give you one opportunity to make this right. Apologize to your mother, go upstairs, wash that CRAP off your face and get in bed,” he says in measured tones. “You clearly aren’t leaving my house dressed like that.”

“Oh yeah?” sasses Quarter. “We’ll see about that!”

She reaches out her hand and pushes her dad in the chest to get past him. The contact of her little fonky, bony hand to his body in defiance makes something primal snap within him. His well of patience has run dry. Suddenly his bedroom slipper is off his foot and he is beating his child with it. In mid spank, he blacks out. When he comes to, the police at his door and he’s being arrested. Great. Fox News and dem are going to loooove this.

*****

 Creflo Dollar: If you can hear me, I just want you to know I stand WITH you! I myself had to pull off the interstate on the way back from DC to beat my kids with my shoe. Yes I did. Stopped a 2 ton vehicle going 80/mph so I could reach in the back and smack my two girls with my flip flop for fighting and disturbing our drive. Because sometimes, brother Creflo, you gotta beat your kids to save their lives. Who knows what would have happened that night? The news might have been entirely different.

Quarter Dollar, daughter of megachurch Pastor Creflo Dollar found naked and selling her body for doughnuts at local Jewish eatery.

Now how would THAT look?

Nah, man. Free Creflo Dollar! Free Creflo Dollar! He did nothing better than what any other GOOD parent would have done. The child literally only had one scratch. Send her up to Big Momma’s house and let her play up like that. A scratch would be the least of her concerns.