Spectating an (Unnecessary) Eventual Divorce on Facebook

Ever since I tried to broker a peace accord between two married friends of mine a few years ago, I have vowed to do one thing: To never get personally involved in anyone’s marriage ever again, even when solicited or invited. NEVER.

I however never said that I would never indulge in public commentary – or mockery  – in the event of another couple’s marital discord.

Yes MOM Squad, it’s time for another rant about marriage. For some reason, people just don’t seem to want to get it right…or get the basics right, at the very least. There is a reason the term “sanctity of marriage” was coined. Despite what most of our population may think, the culmination of ‘marriage’ is not whether you serve beef or fish cutlets on a sunny spring day at the Radisson, or whether one hires a DJ or a live band to entertain ones guest on said day. Marriage is a sacred vow that two people take, promising GOD, before mankind, to be faithful to each other until death parts them. It is for that reason that ‘marriage’ is not for everyone; douche bags, asshats and children being chief among these. These days most of the population has been engineered to be more suited toward civil unions, which are more contractual at their core and can be broken/dissolved with a few hundred dollars at the cash register at a municipal court near you.

Some people think that because they share children or interests, that these are good enough reasons to get married. Nothing could be further from the truth. Children grow up and move out, and interests fade or change with time. You need to find better, more concrete reasons to jump the broom and bind yourself spiritually to someone – or seek out that civil union I mentioned earlier.

And dare I say it? Yes, I dare. Even some Christians should not marry. There is many a Christian who does not understand the implications and consequences of entering a marriage without proper education. Contrary to widespread belief, there IS a manual on how to achieve the perfect marriage. There are several in fact. From the Bible to Dr. Phil, there are guiding texts…just pick your flavor. Nowhere in any of these texts will you see the following, I assure you.

Are you seated? Good. Because I am here to put my two of friends on blast for their public display of foolishness and tomfoolery.


Though I was friends with her first, I consider both *Chris and Christina to be friends of mine. They are a 20-something year old couple who got married about 2 or 3 years ago in a hurried (but very charming) ceremony. I still don’t know what the rush was, and I never asked. I know the bride wasn’t pregnant and he wasn’t an immigrant needing papers. The frantic timing didn’t make sense to me, but it did to them. Young love, I suppose. What I DO know is that the wedding cake was absolutely scrumptious: lemon frosting and a creamy center. Perhaps the hopeful mood I was in made the half cup of punch I was given so delightful as well.

My eyes misted over as her father officiated the ceremony and they recited their vows. They literally looked picture perfect.

In the coming months, they lived out their married life on social media, like most people in this digital age do. Pictures of him gleefully lifting and spinning her in the air would pop up very often, and she would post quotes about love, life and happiness on her wall. Suddenly, that all began to change.

Instead of lyrics concerning all things amorous, quotes about ‘the hard knock life’ took over. No longer were there profile pictures of the two of them grinning foolishly into the camera. Cartoon characters and fists raised in the air replaced those. (That’s nothing unusual, I suppose. For 2 months my profile picture was of two hard turds one of the kids had left on my shower floor. And no, I’m not ashamed to admit that.) From what I found out, work was keeping them apart, and they were reduced to passing each other in the day as one was leaving for work and the other was coming in.

I took a Facebook hiatus for about 4 months, and when I got back, I started seeing weird statuses from his end. There are many things that piss me off, and one of those things in when amateurs make attempts at waxing philosophical and have no business doing so…ever.

“Sometimes you dream a dream a dream and think it’s come true, only to discover that true dreams don’t come true.”

What the hell?

“You said you loved me – but the love you said you had was just a reflection of my love for you. It never resided in you to begin with.”

You have got to be kidding me.

“Sometimes people are like broken glass: it’s better to sweep them away than to cut yourself trying to put them back together.”

Okay, now that’s just below the belt.

On her end of the spectrum, the world is falling apart:

“I guess I can’t do anything right!”
“Please Jesus, send me a friend!”
“The world is dark…so very dark right now.”

The final straw was when he changed his relationship status from ‘married’ to ‘single’. This made me want to find him, slap him and shake some sense into him. Just because things aren’t going your way in your house doesn’t make you ‘single’ bruh. It just DON’T.

Now let me admit to something from my own marriage experience. Have I wanted to leave my husband at one point? Absolutely. I felt like he was a hindrance to my ambitions. He insisted that we go see one of our pastors, and she flat out told me “NO”…I could not leave my husband and take 1 or 2 of the kids with me, even for a break. I looked at her like she had two heads. How dare she! But I followed her command (because it wasn’t really advice) and we worked it out. Guess how we did that? By talking…not by putting our mess out there on Facebook!

Why am I so passionate about someone else’s marriage you ask? Because I wrote those two Niggroes a check. I financially invested in the two of them. I sat in the congregation and prayed with and over them. I took my part as a witness to their marriage seriously, and I expect these two dumbasses to take their part in their marriage vows seriously as well.

You think I sound mad now? Oh, I went on an all out campaign on Facebook! You should have seen it. It was glorious.

Lookit, you two. There are only three reasons why divorce is ever an option, if you are a Christian. All this new age “he/she doesn’t make me happy” doesn’t apply. I’m pretty sure everything you do doesn’t make Christ happy, but He still shed His blood for you so your retarded behinds could enter into paradise.

If she/he isn’t:

1)    Beating on you
2)    Cheating on you
3)    Using your money to beat and cheat on you…
…then you can work it out. Seriously.

Now stop posting ridiculous statuses, quotes, Instagrams and posters on Facebook and talk to your spouse. The rest of you enjoy your day.

/rant over.