12-12-12. It’s kind of sad looking at that number when you think about it. Today’s date has forced me to take a hard look at my own mortality and fragility. Unless you’ve discovered the fountain of eternal life or plan to freeze and unthaw yourself until the next century, none of us will ever see this date or a repetition of its sort again.
That’s not what I thought about when I woke up this morning, however. This morning I was overflowing with a huge sense of gratitude for how far I’ve come since this date 8 years ago. As only a few who are very close to me may people remember, this is the date I went into the hospital with preeclampsia. I thought this was the date that either my unborn daughter, I, or both of us would die.
December 12th, 2004 was a dreary winter’s day, much like today. The sun peaked out whenever it could, but it was cloudy for the most part. I stumbled into Northside Hospital, trying desperately to feign composure and control until I was finally allowed to collapse into a narrow hospital bed in room LH17.
I remember it all very well. My heart was flooded with despair, hopelessness, and suppressed for the man who had landed me in that room 2 months too early with his vitriol and petty games. However as I sit typing today, I’m amazed at how so much despondency and hopelessness has become nothing but a memory – a pure memory – and has lost all of its sting. Time really does heal all things, if you sprinkle a little forgiveness on it.
2012 for me has been a benchmark year for me as far as spiritual growth and development are concerned. It was this year that I that I not only learned about power the of forgiveness, but felt it also. I’ve spent the last 8 years as a very angry person; though not in the sense that you might assume. I never made it a priority to seek and mete out revenge against people whom had done me some sort of slight (it’s never been in my nature to do that), but I did carry around negative feelings for people and events for a long time. Well, those feelings were really only directed at only person in particular.
My friend Caroline said the words that finally set me free.
“You’re giving way too much energy to this individual,” she said. “The thing that you focus your energy on is the thing that controls your life. Is this person worthy of directing your life?”
It was so true. Almost everything I had done, even if the results were positive, were in direct cause towards the hatred I felt for this person.
If I went to work, it was to prove that I didn’t need their financial support.
If I hugged my husband, it was an effort to strengthen my marriage that this person had said he would attempt to come between if given the opportunity.
When I stopped feeding so much energy to my negative thoughts surrounding this person, and shifted my thinking into not even thinking about them at all, I finally got free. It was a long, arduous process, and a journey that began in my soul on this very day 8 years ago.
This Saturday we will celebrate Nadjah’s 8th birthday doing all the things she loves best. She’ll be shining of stage in her school play and eating cake on princess plates afterward. She’ll be surrounded by the love of her family best friends. It’s a complete turnabout from the brokenhearted womb I carried her in for 7 months.
When I woke up in severe pain and panic that Sunday morning on 12-12-04, I never imagined our lives could have been this good on 12-12-12. I’m grateful.
*Does this day hold any special significance for you? What are you going to do to commemorate this day? Some people are getting married, some are busy being born (congrats to Nana on becoming an auntie again on today) and others will be boozing it up; like boozers need a reason to drink anyways. *cough* A-DUB! *cough*