Yet Another Open Letter to Idris Elba

idris-elba hotHeh. You this Idris Elba. You’ve come again, eh? Humph. I thought we had come to some sort of understanding after the Smart Water incident. Clearly, my words have fallen on deaf ears. I even tried to communicate with you using sign language, by my fingers must have encountered blind eyes as well. But you paa, what is your problem? Why do you insist on troubling me so?!? Ad3n na wo y3 me saa??

Oh, you don’t know what you’ve done? Oh get away. Get. A.Way!

Look at this:

Oh, you said what? You were ‘just portraying an international icon’? Foolish man. Who told you Nelson Mandela was hot? Heh? How dare you sexualize this beacon of forgiveness and humanity with your… sexiness. Because that’s what it is, Idris. SEXI-NESS.

I’m so tired of these your shenanigans. You take the most vital elements – our most basic human necessities, like water and freedom – and singe them with your searing, sultry, scorching, scalding sexiness! I’m tired, Idris.

I don’t know how much more of this I can endure.

JamesCaviezelChristIt’s not your fault though. They did the same thing to Jesus Christ when Mel Gibson made The Passion. Why nkwaaa would he cast hot-as-dry ice Jim Caviezel as our Lord and Savior? Me? I know why! To distract us from the salvation story! How can I focus on the state of my soul when this fine man is being whipped into oblivion? And how am I now to focus on Mandela’s unjust imprisonment for 27 years – nearly three decades – with these your eyes staring back at me in the movie screen? Heh?

I say I won’t have it!

Ok… actually, I will have it, but I won’t enjoy it.

Ok… I’m lying. I will actually enjoy it very much.

Idris Elba as Nelson MandelaBut that’s the problem, isn’t it? I am supposed to be watching a depiction of Nelson Mandela, a gripping personal story about a ‘terrorist’ who eventually became a beloved president, with solemn respect and reverence. How can I train my thoughts on reverence  whilst my loins involuntarily dictate that I lust after the man who is carrying out this portrayal? Idris! What you are doing is not good ooo. God sees you!

I wholly respect Mr. Mandela, and you are threatening that respect with your broad shoulders, well-water deep voice and intense gaze…

Huh? Yes. I was saying. When Danny Glover played Mandela in 1987, THAT was respectable. Have you ever seen Mr. Glover on the cover of GQ Magazine or any list that contains the phrases “hottest man” or “women HAVE to have” or “dark chocolate feast”? No. No you have not. But you, Idris Elba are on each of these lists and more. When women (and quite a few men) flock to see this film, do you REALLY think that they are going to be focusing on the words coming out of your mouth? Are you not ashamed of what you have done to Mr. Mandela’s legacy? Answer me!

You. It’s okay. If they had simply cast Terrence Howard as Mandela, I would have been completely happy to wait for the film to come out on Red Box. But I see that Hollywood wants to bleed my pockets dry, which is why they cast you and the Black Bond chick in this film together. Whatever her name is. Lucky sod.

You should be ashamed. Close your legs!

idris legs