You don’t know who this is, do you? I’m talking to you, my non-Ghanaian readers. This lovely (and boobie-licious) young lady is Victoria Hammah (former, as of this morning) Deputy Minister of Communications in the West African nation of Ghana.
In the last 36 hours, Miss Hammah has been embroiled in a scandal resulting from a leaked tape of a private conversation she was having in her car with a female friend. Within the 30 minute rant, she bashes the character of one of her fellow Deputy Ministers and vows never to leave politics until she has stolen , ummm, EARNED $1000,000.00. The source of the tape has not yet been verified, neither has it been confirmed that it is indeed Victoria Hammah singing like a canary about the rot that is Ghana politics, but as we learned from Mitt Romney’s fall from grace all it takes are accusations and a muffled recording of your voice to bring a man – or in this case, a woman – down.
We had to get to the bottom of this. And the ONLY way to do that is to ask Victoria about this herself, get her side of the story, and go into….
MOM: Ms. Hammer. Thank you for joining us.
Victoria: It’s HAMMAH.
MOM: People mess up your name a lot, don’t they? It must be incredibly frustrating for you. I see a scene unfolding on a British school yard. You’re in a circle, surrounded by pale, mocking children…
Victoria: I was never educated in England.
MOM: And it shows. Now, let’s get down to business. No wait. BEFORE we get down to business, I want to let you know that I am on YOUR side.
Victoria: You are?
MOM: Absolutely. You see, I think you were set up. There’s no way this recording came to light without some forethought going into it. I think you were set up by some rival faction, or possibly some member of your own party. Perhaps a male colleague whose advances you previously spurned.
Victoria: Well… you wouldn’t be far off. It’s been the bane of my existence, this face and figure of mine.
MOM: No homo; but when you put on a pink kaba and get your make up done right, you are pretty hot.
Vicky: Uhhh… thank you.
MOM: No homo! Remember that! So do think I could get an exclusive for Adventures? Maybe the hot steamy details of a tryst you had in the halls of Parliament…?
MOM: Oh. Well. Okay. (muttering: you get caught saying you want to steal money, but you won’t tell us who you’re banging on the clock?) So anyway, here’s the million dollar question: WHY a million dollars? What made this such a magic number?
Vicky: The answer is simple. Remember the scene in Coming to America where Semi needed money from the King of Zamunda? He only wanted $300,000 and the clerk at Western Union kept goading him until he asked for “a cool million”. This is Africa. I was trying to be more efficient. Instead of nickel and diming my way up to a million dollars, I was just going to find some multi-billion dollar project, get myself on the board, and siphon the funds as quickly as possible.
MOM: I —I see. You’re very forthcoming about all this now. How is that?
Vic (pulling out a cigarette): I woke up this morning to discover I’d been sacked. I can say whatever I want now. What will be the consequences? Will they sack me again? Furthermore, on what basis have do they have to sack me? You can’t sack somebody on intent! I’m not guilty of anything as yet! Do they do around arresting pedophiles who INTEND on raping small children?
MOM: Uhhh… Actually, they do. There’s a whole cyber-crime unit dedicated to that. But I’d like to talk about something else. There are a couple of things you said on the tape that piqued my interest, personally. You said that people view you as unintelligent. How so?
Vic H-Dawg: I said people view me, Sena and Rachel as unintelligent. And it’s true. Ghanaians can be so judgmental, especially men. They think because you have a pretty face such as mine, you are only suitable to be a secretary, an actress or their week end pop tart. As I said on the recording, we young politicians must be ambitious. I have a pedigree to uphold, you know. My father is also a former minister.
MOM: Was he sacked too?
Victoria: No. He retired.
MOM: Presumably with a few earned million dollars of his own…
MOM: Nothing! Nothing… you mentioned ‘pedigree’. What exactly does that mean?
Vic-vic-Vickay: Ghana is a developed nation, underneath the veneer. It doesn’t look like it, but we have the same structures as any developed nation in the West. And within that structure there are classes. I am part of the political class. When my children grow up, they will be members of that class. The Bushes, Clintons, Kennedys… these are all dynastic classes in America. So when a girl like Rachel Appoh – that inferior, unattractive toad – tries to diss me in front of my superiors and risks her own political appointment over something as trivial as principles, you know that this is someone who is not part of the political class! As I said, my position was guaranteed from way back. This is what having a pedigree means. What you have is yours by birthright!
MOM: Miss Hammah; do you think the role of women in politics will be compromised based on your demise?
Victoria, god-of-thunder-aka-Thor: It will have the effect of a sledge hammer, for sure. But that’s the hypocrisy, isn’t it? Do you know how many millions of cedis are stolen or wasted every day in this country? The number wouldn’t surprise you. But you the people elect these big men, knowing that they WILL steal. You feel better about it because your party is in power for those four years. These are professional thieves, and yet no one has ever asked if the role of men in politics will be affected based on their knavish behavior!
Added to that, I think more women should pursue politics. We might actually get something done. Look at women like you and Akosua Adoma Owusu, wasting your time with Kickstarter campaigns to make a better Ghana when you could just TAKE what is owed to you by virtue of your political position! I mean, why should anyone beg for $8000 to clean and restore a historic landmark or buy medical equipment when a cool million dollars would do that and more. Perhaps even buy an Hermes bag!
MOM: Good point. I only have one last question. I have compiled a short list of adjectives that the NDC – your party – stands for. Would you do me the honor of saying which you believe is most accurate?
Never-endingly Deceiving Citizens
Notoriously Depriving Children
No! (we) Don’t Care
Victoria: I disagree with the last one. NDC, DOES care. If we didn’t care, by now we would have shut electricity off to the entire country and just sold it to our neighbors, leaving the country in total darkness. But because my party DOES care, we only hiked rates by 120%.
MOM: So you don’t dispute that the government is depriving children and deceiving citizens?
My girl Vivi: I don’t think anyone can dispute that. Look at how the country is being run. You can’t tell me we got here because MPs and government officials go to work and actually do their job every day. Don’t be naïve.
MOM: Thank you for stopping by the Mind. I’d offer you tea, but it’s light off and I’ve just received word that your driver has been arrested for leaking the tape. I assume you’ll want to go see about that…
And there you have it, folks. Victoria Hammah is the victim here. At least she got the sack on a Friday so she can enjoy a loooong weekend.