A Caucasian Christmas Conundrum

*Disclaimer: I don’t how much of this is me or the meningitis talking (I contracted meningitis last week, hence the long silence. FYI.), but I have some things to say about White Christmas that need saying!

You see, Twitterverse? What did I tell you? No sooner had I gotten off the plane then there was “outrage”! I told you I wasn’t looking forward to coming back to America for THIS very reason. There is always something to spark “outrage” or “controversy” in the American media. And predictably, Fox News was at the helm of Controversy Cruise liner.


As you may – or may not – have heard, Megyn Kelly, host of America Live on the aforementioned cable news network, had a panel debating a Slate Magazine article that proposed that Christmas should be symbolized by something more inclusive -like a penguin- and not just the jolly White man we have all grown up knowing as Ol’ Saint Nick.

“Santa is a historical figure!” she bellowed. “And he is White!”

Well, Megyn is right. All facts point to the fact that Santa is White. He just is. He was a German toy maker who carved dolls and figurines for disadvantaged kids in his neighborhood and somehow between 1765 and today, he relocated from his Bavarian town, developed magical slimming superpowers and procured eight reindeer (nine if you count the one with a radioactive nose) and flies into the home of every child around the globe to deliver toys! Well, every home except African ones. All those kids want for Christmas is a sip of clean water to hold them until the next Yuletide season.

Why are we debating Santa’s skin color again?? Santa, as we know him, is a MYTH. Just like most of the Christmas “traditions” we hold dear, they were all created by some wealthy guy in politics or entertainment. Our Christmas traditions are aberrations of European pagan traditions. The Christmas tree is a modification of an Irish pagan tradition. December 25th was designated to celebrate Jesus birth after Western Christians first celebrated the holiday in 336, after Emperor Constantine had declared Christianity “the empire’s favored religion”. Pagans were already celebrating their deities in the same calendar space, and the church commandeered it! Christmas is a fake holiday through and through. And now we have believers and non-believers debating over what color Santa was? Who gives a CRAP?!?

Behold! The face who preached racially equality!

Behold! The face who preached racially equality in South Africa!

The fact is Santa Clause is WHITE. I have no problems with that. If there ever comes a day when we celebrate Nelson Mandela or “Father of Freedom” as the news outlets have dubbed him, in 300 years I don’t want a picture of Hendrik Verwoerd floating around out there in an effort to appear more “inclusive”. Making Santa Black just to be “inclusive” is nonsense. We have Papa Bronia in Ghana for that. He wears kente and brings soup to your house.

Just when I ready to put the whole thing to bed, Megyn took her indignation too far. She added to her initial statement something so odious, so sinister, that it blew what little of my brain the meningitis had not consumed.

“Jesus is White. And that’s a historical fact!”

What in the name of White Supremacy…?

Ok. Let’s just break this down to its core: There’s only ONE way to make a White person, and that’s with TWO White people. There are about 145,000 ways to make a person of color, but only ONE way to make a White person.

Is Megyn Kelly saying The Holy Spirit – the spirit of Almighty God, ruler of heaven and earth and all that dwell therein, the Spirit that gives each of us life, leads us to kindness, conviction and repentance – is WHITE??? Because that’s what I’m getting if I hear her correctly.

Christians believe that Jesus was born of a virgin and conceived of the Holy Spirit. This in turn means that in order for Jesus to get that pinky glow that 60% of India’s population strives to achieve with every purchased bottle of Ponds bleaching cream, Mary would have to be White and the Holy Spirit would have to (unquestionably) be White. You can’t mix White and Chinese and get White. You can’t mix White and Aborigine to get White. You can’t mix White with anything else to come up with a White kid, which means Megyn Kelly believes God is White!

You see? This is the same course of thinking that justified the transatlantic slave trade.

Keegan+Michael+KeyBefore I carry on, let me unequivocally state that I personally don’t care what color Jesus was. He blood was shed for me. His skin didn’t save me. Human blood, like goat blood, is red. Red, red, red. That being said, it’s my belief that it’s highly unlikely that The Holy Spirit is White.  I think He might look more like a Mayan Aztec. You know… Racially ambiguous. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say Jesus looked more like Keegan-Michael Key than Rush Limbaugh.

You should watch Key and Peele. Key man is just a genius! He’s mixed race, as you’ve probably guessed, and can play just about any character you present him with. He’s a master of imitation, and can play a gangster, a Mexican fry cook, an Indian Healthcare provider, an 80’s glam cop, whatever. These are just the kind of skills you need to survive in a world where Herod is trying to kill you. I presume Jesus/Yeshua possessed just such skills. You think a pale little blue eyed Messiah kid was going to be able to hide out in Egypt until the coast was clear? He’d stick out like a lily in the muck. And then Herod’s forces would have caught Him and then there’d be no salvation for any of us. Nah son. Jesus was racially ambiguous, which means the Holy Spirit is NOT White, which means Megyn Kelly was WRONG on that count.

I get really uncomfortable when people try to paint God as one thing or another, like they did in the Baroque period. Have you studied Baroque art? It’s European hubris at its finest. And then there was its half-bastard cousin the Renaissance which completely decimated common sense within the context of Christianity. Even David didn’t escape the imposition of White ideals in his portrayal. Have you seen the penis Michelangelo afforded him? It’s miniscule. Great warrior David has a tiny…rooster.

Here’s the hard truth. Jesus was NOT White. And He was NOT Black. White people want to make Jesus White to maintain their sense of superiority, and Black people want to make Him Black to contravene their sense of inferiority. Shame on both of you. What about the Inuits?!?

Can we all just agree that Jesus was born, he lived, he travelled, he preached, was tried and crucified for his pronouncements? All this extra debate is just noise. Now pass the pumpkin pie and go kiss someone under the mistletoe.