Douche Bag Found Someone to Marry!

This post is for Ms. A Boz, who has been asking for an update on Douche Bag for months now. Well, I finally have something ‘worth’ reporting!

I was told this day would come, but I never believed it would. After all, every other word I’ve heard out of Douche Bag’s mouth has either been lies or nonsense, so when he told me 9 years ago that he would be getting married one day, I rolled my eyes with an exasperated “Yeah right.”

But he did it. He actually did it! He found a woman stupid enough to marry him.

Now before you all pile on and accuse me of “bitterness” and “jealousy”, please know that nothing could be further from the truth. I am very happy for Douche Bag; it’s his fiancé (or ‘finance’ as he has referred to her in several texts to me) that I have concern for. The poor woman actually has no idea what she is binding herself to for the foreseeable future! What an unfortunate porch monkey she is already becoming. He has her running to and fro doing his insane bidding, which was the life I myself led that one unfortunate year I found myself “in love” with this mad man.

As we all know Douche Bag – and every douche bag ever known to woman – is a charming individual. He is physically imposing and well-rehearsed. No doubt this is how he captured his prey, whom Marshall had the pleasure of meeting.

“What does she look like?” I asked.

Marshall mulled over his thoughts for a moment before he answered.

“She’s not very attractive,” he finally answered. “Like if I saw her in the street I wouldn’t glance twice. She’s light skinned though.”

photo 2Ah. That made sense. Douche Bag is unrepentantly colorstruck. This is the same man, who without shame, told me he was ‘happy Nadjah wasn’t born any darker’ than she was. Of course he found himself a light-skinned ‘finance’.  *Eye roll*

At first I thought his calling her a ‘finance’ was a simple misspelling on his part, as he is prone to poor grammar. I think it might actually be a Freudian slip. Here’s why:

A week ago on Nadjah’s birthday, Marshall was meant to take her for breakfast. They had a date planned months in advance. I was unfortunately sick in the hospital, so it was left to Marshall to rendezvous with Douche Bag, whom I had allowed to keep Nadjah during the course of the week. I had made all the arrangements. They were supposed to meet at Chic Fil-a at 9:45 am and meet up later so she could go to Build-A-Bear with Douche Bag. Simple.

Why then did Douche Bag show up with his ‘finance’ and her 6 year old daughter at Chick Fil a? The pretense was that they were ALL there to have breakfast together, which made absolutely no sense. It was a rainy, dreary, Saturday morning… and this woman let this man drag her and her first grader out of the house just after dawn for a fictional family breakfast? That poor imbecile! What kraaa did he say to her to make it appear even 25% logical that Marshall would want to have breakfast with ALL of them on Nadjah’s birthday?

Now here comes the more interesting part.

Nadjah is failing 3rd grade, and as a self-professed Panther Mom, I can’t allow this trend to continue. In an effort to do “good co-parenting”, I told Douche Bag about her plight, and that I was seriously considering sending her to tutoring at Kumon. Of course this does not come without financial burden, and I think it is only fair that the man who spent the first 5 years of her life failing to support her financially in any capacity should know the cost and contribute. He told me to let him know how much it cost and he would pay.


photo 1As anyone with kids who go for professional tutoring knows, Kumon, Sylvan and the like aren’t cheap. There is an $80 enrollment fee and it’s $110 per course, per MONTH. So I tell Douche Bag this. And do you know what this Neanderthal has the never to tell me? That his ‘finance’ will pay half of the cost after SHE has visited the school to check it out?

Ei. If this dummy wants to drive her happy self from Lithonia to Roswell (an hour’s drive mind you) to scope out a tutoring program for a child she did not birth and only met 3 weeks ago and then PAY for said tutoring program, she is certainly free to do so. But as a woman, you have to pause and ask yourself a key question. “WHY am I doing this again??”

The hard fact is that Black women in America are so desperate for marriage that they will put up with any witlessness that a Black man brings them. The reasons they do this are beyond my scope of comprehension at this age. When I was 20-something, this woman’s behavior would have made perfect sense. When you’re 26 you want to prove how ‘hard’ you can go for your man and be ‘down for whatever’ where he is concerned. That’s what love looks like at 26. At 31 and beyond, however, love starts looking a lot like respect, and Douche Bag isn’t respecting his woman. He is treating her like an errand girl and she’s letting him!

I wonder if she has done any background research on him? It would be hard to find anything, sadly. Most of the incriminating evidence on the internet about him has been scrubbed, ever since he got his government contract job. I suppose that’s one of the services the government offers when you enter their employ. You get a nice, clean slate to begin with. There was this one website called “Psycho Ex-Boyfriends” (or something equally flattering) in which 10 women at least heaped insults on him, calling him a “user”, “cheap”, “played” and “still using tired lines like ‘babe and hun’ to get women to pay his bills”. One of them even gave directions to his foreclosed house in Lithonia.


He says he wants me to meet her, which I am certain I will in the coming days. After all, I should know who is fetching and carrying for my child, shouldn’t I? And when I do, I will smile broadly to keep myself from laughing. A woman never did herself any favors by warning another about the devices of the man she professes to love.

Ladies, here’s my question to you: At what point do you allow a man to control your associations? Do Douche Bag’s requests of his Porch Monkey make any sense to you? Would you allow yourself to be sent to pay this, mail that or research that for a man you’ve been engaged to less than a year? Is my pity for this woman misplaced, or is this what true love and undying fealty looks like?