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Madness

Open Letter to Cocobod: Ghana Cocoa Board

Dear Whoever is in Charge at Cocobod:

cocomanager

Waaaaaaa look. I don’t even know who to address this letter to because your organization is being run by ghosts of failures past, present and soon-to-come.

I want to show you something. Look at this. See! What the hell is THIS supposed to be?

sadchoco

“Oh. Malaka. That’s Ghana’s signature chocolate…Kingsbite.”

Oh really? Because from where I sit, it looks like a Roman tragedy wrapped in thin tin foil, robbed in waxy, poorly printed paper. Oh, make no mistake Cocobod. What you are about to read is nothing short of a hardcore rant of a woman who is on the precipice of her next menstrual cycle and who depends on chocolate to see her through the next 9 days. And you, with your epic failure to manufacture the simplest of treats, have unleashed a beast who prefers containment if not slumber.

I don’t share chocolate. And when I’m backed into a corner, I break off a piece grudgingly. However when I opened this bar I purchased in Accra just a few weeks ago, I was compelled – inspired, if you will – to pass as much of this filth off to my children and anyone else who asked for a piece at their immediate request.

“Mommy…this chocolate is hard,” my son said, after I struggled to dislodge a piece from the main bar. He attempted to chew on it with more difficulty than he should have had to. He’s four.

“Yes it is, son,” I explained to him. “This is inferior chocolate. It has too much sugar, probably had water substituted for milk and is a disgrace to the nation of my birth.”

He giggled and skipped off to play with his cars. He didn’t understand what I was saying about an “inferior product”, but you and I know what that means. How many bars of this CRAP did you mold and ship off to be sold in Accra’s busy streets? A thousand? Four thousand? For real??? You sent 4,000 bars of brown sugar infused dookie bricks into the ether? Who is running this joint!?

Let me tell you something: I’ve been eating Golden Tree since I was 8. It’s been almost 30 years since I had my first rectangular chocolate bar, proudly stamped with our nation’s Black Star. And consistently, ever since about 2008, the quality has been on the decline. Why would you DO this? Why not just get out of the chocolate manufacturing game altogether? Why subject us to this level of declension? Seriously, I would rather you just ship the beans off to Europe and let them resell the refined product to us rather than try to pass this garbage off as anything that is worth consumption.

Tetteh Quarshie is doing summersaults in his grave, God rest him.

Tweeeeaaaaaa!!!!

Look. Here’s the bottom line: YOU WILL DO BETTER. We are Ghana, for Heaven’s sake.

Ghana!

First African country to achieve independence. Creators of hip-life. Heck, creators of rap, according to Ambolley. And this is the signature finished product of our main export that you want to showcase to the world? If I had a cane I would line up all your officers and lash you!

You WILL do better because you CAN do better. You will scrap this decrepit formula you have adopted, and you will bring back a Golden Tree bar that melts in my mouth, is shareable, and has a pleasant sheen to it. That’s the end of the discussion.

Do you feel proud when people open a bar of Kingsbite and look at it with quizzical despair and indifference? Chocolate should not look like a science experiment gone awry! You think I’m alone, eh? Here is some reaction from twirra:

sandpromisebetteracne

Is this the reputation you strive for? For the love of Love, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Our government has failed to give us the basic amenities needed success in the 21st century, but let’s be clear – you lot are still using 19th century technology. You have no excuse. You CAN (and will, I say again) make this work!

I’ll come to your facility in Takoradi and menstruate all over it if you don’t. Watch me.

Sincerely,

Malaka

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