Open Letter to Cocobod: Ghana Cocoa Board

Dear Whoever is in Charge at Cocobod:

cocomanager

Waaaaaaa look. I don’t even know who to address this letter to because your organization is being run by ghosts of failures past, present and soon-to-come.

I want to show you something. Look at this. See! What the hell is THIS supposed to be?

sadchoco

“Oh. Malaka. That’s Ghana’s signature chocolate…Kingsbite.”

Oh really? Because from where I sit, it looks like a Roman tragedy wrapped in thin tin foil, robbed in waxy, poorly printed paper. Oh, make no mistake Cocobod. What you are about to read is nothing short of a hardcore rant of a woman who is on the precipice of her next menstrual cycle and who depends on chocolate to see her through the next 9 days. And you, with your epic failure to manufacture the simplest of treats, have unleashed a beast who prefers containment if not slumber.

I don’t share chocolate. And when I’m backed into a corner, I break off a piece grudgingly. However when I opened this bar I purchased in Accra just a few weeks ago, I was compelled – inspired, if you will – to pass as much of this filth off to my children and anyone else who asked for a piece at their immediate request.

“Mommy…this chocolate is hard,” my son said, after I struggled to dislodge a piece from the main bar. He attempted to chew on it with more difficulty than he should have had to. He’s four.

“Yes it is, son,” I explained to him. “This is inferior chocolate. It has too much sugar, probably had water substituted for milk and is a disgrace to the nation of my birth.”

He giggled and skipped off to play with his cars. He didn’t understand what I was saying about an “inferior product”, but you and I know what that means. How many bars of this CRAP did you mold and ship off to be sold in Accra’s busy streets? A thousand? Four thousand? For real??? You sent 4,000 bars of brown sugar infused dookie bricks into the ether? Who is running this joint!?

Let me tell you something: I’ve been eating Golden Tree since I was 8. It’s been almost 30 years since I had my first rectangular chocolate bar, proudly stamped with our nation’s Black Star. And consistently, ever since about 2008, the quality has been on the decline. Why would you DO this? Why not just get out of the chocolate manufacturing game altogether? Why subject us to this level of declension? Seriously, I would rather you just ship the beans off to Europe and let them resell the refined product to us rather than try to pass this garbage off as anything that is worth consumption.

Tetteh Quarshie is doing summersaults in his grave, God rest him.

Tweeeeaaaaaa!!!!

Look. Here’s the bottom line: YOU WILL DO BETTER. We are Ghana, for Heaven’s sake.

Ghana!

First African country to achieve independence. Creators of hip-life. Heck, creators of rap, according to Ambolley. And this is the signature finished product of our main export that you want to showcase to the world? If I had a cane I would line up all your officers and lash you!

You WILL do better because you CAN do better. You will scrap this decrepit formula you have adopted, and you will bring back a Golden Tree bar that melts in my mouth, is shareable, and has a pleasant sheen to it. That’s the end of the discussion.

Do you feel proud when people open a bar of Kingsbite and look at it with quizzical despair and indifference? Chocolate should not look like a science experiment gone awry! You think I’m alone, eh? Here is some reaction from twirra:

sandpromisebetteracne

Is this the reputation you strive for? For the love of Love, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Our government has failed to give us the basic amenities needed success in the 21st century, but let’s be clear – you lot are still using 19th century technology. You have no excuse. You CAN (and will, I say again) make this work!

I’ll come to your facility in Takoradi and menstruate all over it if you don’t. Watch me.

Sincerely,

Malaka

  • Bianca

    Dear Malaka, I’ll never stop reading your blog.

    • Dear Bianca, I pray you always have carrots in your fridge.

  • akua obenewaa donkor

    Ghana’s chocolate is healthier than the foreign ones. The chocolates leave the factory with a good appearance and taste. Improper handling causes the change. You can read on sugar bloom and fat bloom. Next time, please purchase it from a good supermarket with a cool temperature. I make chocolate from Cocoa Processing Company, Tema’s chocolate, they produce Kingsbite
    http://www.facebook.com/decokraftgh

    • How can you “improperly” handle something that comes tightly wrapped and is shipped in a box? And I don’t trust the labeling as far as I can print it. There is no way the bars I ate only at 27g of sugar. It’s outrageous! The chocolate I ate wasn’t meant to expire until August of this year. Perhaps a review of how Kingsbite is packaged and distributed is in order? Perhaps we could affect youth unemployment by creating Kingsbite Candy Stores all over our major cities instead of having them hawked in the street and ruining the integrity of our/your chocolate! And furthermore, we need to make sure that Kingsbite and ALL of Ghana’s refined confections can stand up to our climate and environment.

      I will be happy to rescind my opinion if I can get a hold of this high quality, healthy chocolate you speak of, but at the moment it looks like this claim is being made on an old reputation of excellence that the industry has not held up!

      Feel free to send us a bar from your finest batch. Several members of the MOM Squad would love to have their faith in Kingsbite restored. Until then, remember these adjectives as they relate to Kingsbite:

      Looks like pimples, tastes like sand.

    • mx5

      Just curious, “what would be a good supermarket with a cool temperature.”?

    • Akua Obenewaa! Excuses and more excuses and roundabout explanations are some of the reasons why some serious issues in Africa cannot be worked out. You mean to tell me that bad handling is what has caused the sorry state of our golden tree chocolate since about 5 years now?? Ebei! You are from the source of production? Great! Your marketers have not realized a decline in sales? Amazing!
      I hope Cocobod has a store of yearly memoirs where for example it keeps the best of every year. Because I want you to go back 10, 15 years and taste the chocolate. Come back to recent years and taste again. Aha! This is a reason for the decline in sales. Not because of a bad economy. Because chocolate is comfort food for most and so we will squeeze our leanest pockets for a bite.
      Akua! How do I take Cocobob seriously if they will not listen, accept and change for the consumer. We the consumers have complained. Heck, consumers the world over have complained. But thus handling excuse is what you will repeat and recycle till nobody buys OUR chocolate?

  • NC

    Malaka…you know they do a version for the ‘international’ market right? I wonder if you might find that a superior product to the one sold by the roadside. Or in Koala.

    • That’s racist. And worse, it’s racist against our own people! Why should the common person get the worse product? I shall not be placated until we all receive the same level of service no matter where we are. Ah! Drive from Adenta to Koala? No indeed!

      Kai!