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Could You Marry a Man who Has Had HUNDREDS of Sexual Partners?

Whew! MOM Squad. This is the question that has been burning on my mind all weekend. I must unburden myself. In the process, I’m going to do my best not to disclose anything that might give this couple away in case they are watching this space, but let’s get into it!

I got a call a little over a month ago from a man who used to be a friend of mine. He was weeping. Sniveling like a child who’d had his favorite toffee stolen from him by the schoolyard bully. I rolled my eyes and asked him why he was calling.

“I know you’re going to think I’m an a**hole for asking you this, but I really need a friend right now,” he sobbed. “Can you tell me what you like about me, and what you don’t like about me?”

Que? Where was all this coming from, I wondered? And better still, why was he calling to ask ME? As he said, we were not friends, and he knew he had some gall asking me to be one to him in that moment. At his request, I rattled down a short list of his vices. He was a liar, a thief, he broke and made promises he didn’t intend to keep.

“But you’re a liar, above all,” I reiterated. “However I think you try to be a good person and you have a good sense of humor.”

What else was there to say? Nothing, for my part. He began to rattle off a list of what he thought his best attributes were. I sat and listened silently. Then he started to weep some more. He was afraid that he didn’t deserve anything good in life, that he had done so much dirt in his life that it would haunt him, and that he didn’t deserve to get married.

“Ah. This sounds like something you need to talk to your fiancé about, not me,” I retorted.

He was silent for a moment, until he concluded that he would talk to her.

“I think it’s important that you start your marriage off with honesty,” I advised. “If there are things in your past that are haunting you, and furthermore have you calling me for solace, then you need to talk to her about them so that they don’t crop up later in your marriage. You’ve hurt a lot of people.”

“Oh, she knows everything,” he said brightly. “I’ve told her everything, and she says she doesn’t care about the past. That’s why I love her so much.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about,” I replied sardonically.

I recently had the opportunity to meet my former friend’s fiancé by chance. The meeting was unremarkable. We shook hands, obligatorily stated that it was ‘nice to meet’ each other, and went our separate ways. Knowing him as well as I do, I had to wonder about her. She is slight in build, light skinned, shoulder length hair. There is nothing about her that is noteworthy. She literally could potentially commit the perfect crime and get away with it, because she so effectively fades into the scenery.

In regards to my former acquaintance and his lurid, rampant sexual past and his newest conquest, I know that there are a few possible scenarios:

i)                    He did not tell her everything about what he’s done in the past, and if he did, he glossed over the details without entertaining questions

ii)                   He DID tell her everything and she is desperate or unquestionably stupid

iii)                 He told her nothing at all and spun me a tale to save face. Telling her nothing ensures that he gets to keep his meal ticket, as I have come to understand she is quite well-to-do and he has a track record of depending on women to finance his lifestyle.

Could she really know that his man has had hundreds (and this is not exaggeration) of sexual partners, that he has a heap of abortions to his credit and kids littered about the country – nay, the globe – that he either doesn’t provide for financially or barely does at all AND STILL NOT CARE??? Why…because she “loves “ him? Well, this is America, and Black women actually are that desperate. So much of the Black female population suffers from emotional destitution that they become willing martyrs for the cause of gaining that elusive fairytale we’ve all been sold. I suppose this is why you can end up marrying a drug head, a wife beater, or a man-whore who has slept with HUNDREDS of women and still not care!

Good, heavenly Gawd.

I once had an airline stewardess give me a sage bit of advice. She said: “No matter who you are, you are somebody’s cup of tea.” I suppose she was right. You can’t be a king if you don’t have a court jester, can you?

What say you, MOM Squad? Is this too judgmental on my part? Ladies (and gentlemen too) would/could you be able to commit to someone who has willingly had so much sex – protected and otherwise – with multiple partners? Furthermore, what are you risking when you decide not to care about anything in your partners past? Discuss! ↓

This article has 6 comments

  1. Allison

    I feel that people like the guy you described seek out people with just that insecurity or who are so blindly trusting that they can leave out or gloss over the worst of their behaviors and still have their new partners think they’re the greatest person in the world.

    Short story:
    My husband’s best friend was married to a HORRIBLE woman. I mean, she was evil for just no damn reason. My husband HATED her, but he didn’t have to be around her too often because she did her own thing. Turns out her own thing was her husband’s cousin. When he finally found out about it, she wasn’t even sorry. Completely rubbed it in his face. Wasn’t even creative — the usual he’s better than you; you’re fat and nobody is ever going to want you because I’m the best you’re ever going to get. Silly woman even played Beyonce’s Irreplaceable loudly on repeat whenever he was home. Guy got so depressed we basically adopted him and tried to build him back up, which ticked her off. She reeled him back in and decided that I was the devil so she had one of her tramp friends try to put the moves on my husband to break us up. All this is the least of what he and we had to deal with from her, but suffice to say, they finally broke up and she is now remarried. To continue her pure cussedness, she and the new husband bought the house across the street from my inlaws, which we found out after my mother in law called and told us that new hubby came up and introduced himself. This, on its own isn’t odd, except after he told her who he was married to and then she skipped on over like it was just so ordinary. Now, which version of events could she have given him that would make him think that it was remotely acceptable to run up on my mother in law like they were going to make plans for a weekly Wednesday potluck? She knows good and well that we are not friends and that my mother in law has never liked her. I live in fear of the day my kid meets hers and they want to be friends. I know it wouldn’t be right to punish her kid for her misdeeds, but I can’t imagine ever being ok with my son being in her house because I feel deep in my soul that evil lives in that house.

    Anyway, no, you are not being judgmental. You just know more than you wish you did. You are also self actualized enough to know what you will not stand for and wonder about those foolish, desperate women who hear what they want to just because some smooth talking charlatan pays them attention. Plus, your BS detector has been finely honed.

    • Malaka

      Girl what?!?? What an unrepentant cow!!! Ugh!!!
      And then to have one of her cretins come and try to break up YOUR marriage? That’s out of control. What, what could she have said to this new man to even make him think she possesses any shred of decency??? Smh

      Yeah, this particular individual has singlehandedly developed and fine tuned my BS detector. I wish I could do a massive data dump for this chick do she could make a truly informed decision. If a man hasn’t been married for this long, there’s usually a reason. I think she’s afraid to be alone though. She’s recently divorced with 3 kids. The youngest is 6. Yeah. She’s afraid to be alone. Poor, tragic idiot. 🙁

  2. Biche

    This question alone reminds me of a man I went on several dates with a couple of years ago. On paper, he was the perfect package, and then he told me straight up that he had probably slept with hundreds of women. I cringed.

    I tried to look past it (because I didn’t want to be judgmental) but when I went on another date with him where all his buddies were with women other than their wives, I understood he and his buddies’ story. How would I ever trust such a guy? Not to mention, what kind of drama would constantly be cropping up in our lives together. I took a pass.

    About your ex-friend’s fiancée, I now take a Golden Rule stance on things. Haven’t you ever been that girl in a bad relationship who for whatever reason couldn’t see it? I have. We have all been relationship-dumb at some point. I’d have wanted someone to speak to me and tell me the truth regardless of whether I could see it at the moment or not. I try my best to tell women if I know something about a guy they are seeing that I think might harm or hurt them in the long run. Do unto others…Maybe you could just speak to her.

    Last but not least, great blog by the way! I really enjoy your thoughtful posts.


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