How Berenice Won the Internet This Week
Happy Frivolous Friday MOM Squad!
How has your week been? Mine was INSANE. I’ve become the victim of workplace bullying in recent days. No, no…don’t worry. It’s just your typical Black woman drama. I just am unaccustomed to it is all. I want to study and understand it, which is why next week I hope to treat you to a four part series called Crusade of the Ratchet Recruiter: Yvette’s Story
But we’re not here to talk about overweight, sexually frustrated, middle-aged mulatto women. Today we’re here to talk about Berenice, who took the internet by storm this week. Oh? You’ve never heard of Berenice? Quelle horreur! This is something we must remedy immediately!
First of all, I have to commend Berenice. If you are going to tackle any John Legend song, it means you’ve got a lot of chutzpa and balls of brass, right out the gate. John’s voice has a unique quality that only comes along once in a generation. John Legend is to Marvin Gaye as Pharrell is to Smokey Robinson. So when an individual, either male or female takes on the challenge of crooning one of their ballads, you have to give them credit for that.
That’s as far as the credit goes when the execution is this flawed, however.
My word! Did Berenice and her cameraman (and it had to be a man, because no woman would let her girl go out like this) know they had stumbled on 4:32 seconds of internet gold when they posted this video on YouTube? Let’s just analyze the basics, because after the ↓ I want – nay – I NEED to hear your thoughts.
- Why is the beach so dirty? I mean, couldn’t they rake the trash to the side instead of letting her roll around in it “seductively” as she screeched her way through this love song?
- Why does her face look like it’s paining her to sing? Is it because she can’t figure out what “curls and edges” are? Maybe I’m mistaking confusion for pain, I don’t know…
- At minute 3:14. The clumps of sand from her fingertips. No.
- Ei! Minute 3:40! Was she having a seizure on her feet? NO!
- I had to go back and watch it from the beginning. Why does she look like she lost her balance on minute 0:27? We’re only 27 seconds into the video Berenice. You can’t be falling down.
- And finally: No. Just NO.
Are you done laughing? THIS, ladies and gentlemen; this is how you win the internet. This is the kind of comedy you can’t dream up in a laboratory. You know why? Because it wasn’t even meant to be funny. Berenice was dead serious when she flopped around in the sand like a wounded captured mermaid and allowed this to be posted on the ‘net. It is *intention* that wins the internet, every time.
I’m going to finish crying.