The Charmed Life of the Female Bowerbird

Men. They are SO convinced that they are at the apex of the animal kingdom; that by virtue of the fact that they are men, they are inherently superior to all other life on earth.

When a man encounters an animal that runs faster, swims quicker or is more ferocious in the face of conflict, what does he do? He builds a bullet or a harpoon to destroy the “lesser” being. This is the only way to secure his self-anointed status as the premier being of the animal kingdom! Every day, men set out to prove this idea to themselves, to their male counterparts, and to the women they are compelled to woo and despise for their need to woo. But for all their brawn and bravado, there is one being in the animal kingdom that the human male will never be more accomplished than – and that’s the Vogelkop Bowerbird.

Look at this. Look, I say!

[youtube=http://youtu.be/E1zmfTr2d4c]

That’s right. No matter how many nouveau mansions Kimora Lee Simmons allows Russell to buy her, none will EVER be as fabulous as the female Vogelkop Bowerbird. In fact, I don’t think there is a woman alive or yet to be born who could hope to have as attentive or dedicated a mate in the wooing process as the bowerbird. We may as well give up hope as a race!

Sometimes I look around on social media and listen to the complaints of men in awe.

Are you really griping because you spent fifty bucks on pizza and two movie tickets to see Captain America?

Bowerbird, niggro.

Dude, you want this chick to get naked and give you sex in exchange for what? Or yeah – that’s right – having sex in exchange for something makes her a “whore”, so you’d rather her be a fool and get nothing in return when a FREAKING BIRD spends two years gathering beetles of the same hue and building the equivalent of Jefferson’s Monticello by beak to woo a potential mate.

Bowerbird, NIGGRO!

Huh? You said what? Money can buy love because women fear poverty? How much money do you actually have? It’s not like you’re Bill Gates on your under $35K a year job. What can you really afford that’s of value? Oh wait, you don’t have to BUY anything to get love…you might try some freaking innovation, creativity and dedication to your cause as you immolate what? Say it with me:

A BOWERBIRD, NIGGRO!

About a year ago, I got caught watching videos of the male bowerbird and found myself quite perplexed. I mean, how was this possible? Female bowerbirds are single mothers and do not ‘need’ the companionship of the male. They only use them for mating and then live solitary lives. I’m sure this suits the male bowerbird just fine, but how is it that a bird can put so much more effort into getting laid than a human man who gets a college degree (at best) or sells crack on the corner (at worst) does? The bowerbird doesn’t turn around and complain about how much he spent on a date. You know what he does? He develops a number of songs in different timbres to attract the right female!

It’s absolutely incredible. I think about how far the concept of romance has fallen with the advent of technology. I mourn for the hapless girls in my neighborhood walking to the corner store or the bus stop as scrub males lean out of the side of their cars, cat-calling and making obscene remarks at their retreating backsides. It breaks my heart. I know that in this 21^st Century environment, they will NEVER be spoken to as the queens that they were born to be. We are not raising gentlemen in our society anymore: just ill-mannered dudes who broadcast their seed like rogue Monsanto germs on a windy day. I desperately want to run up to these girls and cry out “Take heart! Though you will never have the fortune of being wed to a bowerbird, you can at least hope for something better!”

After all, crows are very fond of stealing shiny things – such as tin foil and dimes – and bringing them back to the nest to boast to the murder.(That’s what a family of crows is called by the way. A “murder”. Why do black things have to be identified by so sinister a name?) If a man can’t be a bowerbird, he can at least aspire to be a crow.

I read somewhere that a bowerbird bower was once adorned with a chandelier that the male had built out of string, bottle caps, flower petals and twigs. And you’re really going to sit up here and complain because the chick you asked out refused to “give it up” right after you purchased the 2 for $20 fried chicken dinner? When was the first or last time you crafted something with your mouth? Man…You know what? Duck you.

Well Malaka, what does the male bowerbird get in return for all his efforts, you ask. Why should he toil and strain and slog just to win the affections of a female? For the same reason the human male does (or should), I suppose: To satisfy his ego…and because he is convinced of his excellence and is dead set on proving it to the world.

There’s a scripture in the Dating Torah that every woman should read and recite:

Seek ye the bowerbird

Consider his ways and choose your mate wisely.

Okay; fine. There is no Dating Torah. I made it up. But if there was, this scripture would be in there, right under Rules for Leaving Your Pubic Hair on the Toilet Seat!

Are you dating/married to a bowerbird? Would you want to be? Is it too much for a woman to ask for color coordinated beetle wings and vibrant fungus??? Discuss! ↓