What Do You Mean You’ve Never Heard of ‘Sex Shoes’?

I stared at the bride-to-be in complete astonishment. I repeated the question once more.

“Ah. What do you mean you’ve never heard of ‘sex shoes’?”

“Miss Malaka…I don’t know what that is!” she half wailed. She looked at her maid of honor for support. The young woman shook her head to indicate that she was also ignorant on the subject.

Children. I blamed the bride’s mother. She had not prepared the girl properly. There were only 2 hours left before she was scheduled to walk down the aisle to meet her groom, and not only did she not have a pair of sex shoes for her wedding night, she also had not purchased any bridal lingerie! We were in the store to buy her shoes to go with her gown (which she had managed to forget to purchase as well), but I was less concerned about that. The girl did not have sex shoes! I felt power leave me. I felt weak. Something had to be done, and fast.

sex shoeIt’s not often that I get to play Fairy Shoe Mother, so I took duties very seriously that day. After picking up a pair of pink ballet flats for the flower girls, some wedges for the young bride’s little sister, some strappy sandals for the mother of the bride and 2 pairs of heels for the woman of the hour, I felt life return to me. I had done some good in the world and I could enjoy the wedding knowing everyone was properly shod. Still, I could not ignore the fact that no one had prepared my young friend for life leading up to the moment when she would lose her virginity. I mean, it’s big deal right?

Zoe-Saldana-Bed-HeelsIt’s not like Bambi (that’s the name I’ve decided to give the bride) was going to be losing her virginity on the boys’ quarters floor in Accra with four strokes of a teenaged penis like someone else I know. She was going to have a hotel room with candles and clean sheets and the works! Losing one’s virginity is not like going to the supermarket. It’s not a mundane event. It only happens once in your life (not including the Lord’s miraculous repairing of hymen after some traumatic sexual encounter). It’s an occurrence that should be prepared for and celebrated!

Bambi does not wear heels. She has plantar fasciitis. I didn’t care. Sex shoes are not meant to be worn for an extended period of time. They are made to elicit a sense of fantasy, and are completely impractical.

“Sex shoes are to be worn from the bathroom to the bedroom,” I explained carefully. “I slide into them/strap ‘em up, strike a pose and take them off. Or he can take them off…whichever you prefer.”

Bambi looked at me with furrowed eyebrows as she slipped off her orthopedic shoes and planted her feet into the creamy satin and lace platforms that her maid of honor had picked out. Bambi wears a lot of black, we decided it would be a good idea to depart from the norm. We never got a chance to make it to the bridal lingerie shop. I saw the child leave her wedding with nothing but a shoe box, so I can only assume she improvised with a sheet (or nothing at all). You go, girl!

sex hairI took my query to the internet a few weeks ago and was appalled to discover that quite a few people had never heard of ‘sex shoes’. It is important to distinguish between a ‘sexy shoe’ and a ‘sex shoe’. Like ‘sexy hair’ (which is precisely barrel-curled and gently tousled) and ‘sex hair’ (which is often flat on one side, frizzy and disheveled), there are peculiar distinctions. Sexy shoes are practical. You can wear them to work – and with the right outfit – possibly to church as well. You will get compliments on a sexy shoe if worn in public. These will range from:

“Oooh… GIRL! Those shoes are hot!”

“Where did you get those shoes?”

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And

“Oh. My. Gawd.”

However if one wears a sex shoe is public, reactions will likely be a bit more tepid.

“Don’t those hurt your feet?”

“Where you headin’ in those bad boys?”

sex shoe3

And

“Wow… Okay.”

A disapproving sneer may accompany these comments.

Finally, sex shoes should not be mistaken for stripper shoes, which due to their plastic/Lucite nature are ideal for pole climbing and vaulting. Remember, just because a woman strips for money does not mean she sells her sex for it.

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I firmly believe every woman in a committed relationship should own a pair of sex shoes, even if shoes aren’t your “thing”. It’s always good to be prepared! Women love adornment, and it’s just as important to adorn your feet as it is your hair, writs or neck.

I owned a pair once. They hurt like the torment of hell itself, but my Father, were they beautiful. They were a round toe, topaz colored affair adorned with the plumage of some unknown arboreal creature. Gem stones dotted the straps. What outfit could I wear that with? And to where? It’s the bedroom alone, innit! My husband says he’s never seen them, and he’s right. They were a half size too small and I gave them away before I had a chance to use them for the occasion for which they were purchased! It’s hard to find sex shoes in a size 10.

Now that you know what a pair of sex shoes looks like, are you inspired to buy yourself a pair? Do you own a pair (or several)? What is your favorite store to shop for fantasy shoes? And if shoes are not your necessary accessory for the boudoir, what is? Discuss! ↓

 

 

  • Nana Ama

    Now see what you made me do! I am at this very important meeting, and I made the ‘mistake’ of reading this blog. I snorted with laughter so hard, I got strange looks like I belong at Pantang! Like I care! Droning on and on about percentages, mark-ups etc. Thanks very much for relieving the boredom, you shoe fetishist you! Love the article! Sex shoes! Filing that away under my grey hairs!:)

    • Who wants to talk about percentages when we can be ogling leather, lace and heels! 😀

      You’d do well to get yourself a pair. Today. And then post a picture.

  • Malaka, this post had me cracking up! I however take offense to one main thing and disagree with another, cheerfully (not meanly). Offense: “every woman in a committed relationship?” I think every woman period, no?
    And losing one’s virginity is sometimes a mundane/traumatic event. It shouldn’t be, but for a good number of women around the world, it doesn’t happen amidst pomp and circumstance, sadly.
    ps
    Tell me more about miraculous mending of hymens…I might need to invest in making this happen.

    • That’s true. I suppose I should have said “IDEALLY, a woman would lose her virginity on a bed of roses being serenaded by a chorus of angelic unicorns”, but as you say that’s far too often not the case. Typically, it is on a metaphorical boy’s quarters floor.

      But as for your every woman should have a pair of sex shoes stance dierrr, I no go ‘gree! Ah! Do you know how many women think ‘dressing up’ pairing those gawd-awful Teva sandals with a long, pleated skirt? You’ve seen them in town. But I guess if patterned comfort sandals inspires you to have sex… No. I can’t accept that. Teva’s are not “sex shoes”. And what if you are single? Are you going to sex yourself? The committed relationship clause stands! 🙂

      As for the miraculous hymen repair, you have only to visit your next women’s conference and look for a testimony. Be warned! The story preceding will be grisly.

      • Hi Malaka,
        I think we will agree to disagree. I have my sex shoes for when I meet that one I want to charm. 🙂
        The women’s conferences? I’m not even sure I know what those are. Empowerment conferences?

        • Ahhh… You are one of those preparation women eh? No last minute things for you! Then we will agree to agree!

  • David S.

    Sooooo …. do they have sex shoes for men? Straight men?

    • I believe they do. They’re called Oxfords. But they only become sex shoes when paired with nylon socks.

  • Ashley

    I understand what you are saying, Malaka. What I got from you was that these ‘sex shoes’ are ideally for women in serious relationships, which should not come off as offensive if it is your belief. To some young women, such as myself, sex is something that should only be experienced in committed relationships (marriage). On a different note, interesting thoughts! I didn’t know what a ‘sex shoe’ was either. I’m only 18 though, so I guess I have time to learn about these things!

    • Hei! What is an 18 year old doing on a blog about marriage, motherhood and madness? Is this your zone? My friend, go and find some Disney Jr to go and read!

      No but seriously, speaking as a woman and a mother, this is good information for you to have and use…in 12 years. Not now.

      These small girls on my blog go kill me. From the where now? Chei chei chei…

  • Ashley

    Your blogs are so entertaining. They give me life! You’re very witty. I mainly read the ‘madness’ part. The ideas you have on race and world issues are intriguing. The prospect of motherhood scares me. After a tiring day it’s always good to relax and read some Malaka. I hope one day more people will be introduced to such genius. I also want to create my own blog one day.

    • I’m going to find you and put you in my pocket! You’re good for my ego 🙂

      If I can help you whenever you want to start blogging, don’t hesitate to ask. I’m no “expert”, but I’m happy to share what I know!

  • kim

    this is soo awesome! now i know what to get one of my best friends on her bridal shower!! malaka be blessed for sharing such wisdom!!