Bionic Nostril Woman

In time, you and I must come up with a better name for our heroine; but for today, this one will have to do.

Hei! The world is clamoring for diversity in the comic book arena. They say we need more people of color and disabled heroes. I say we are just not looking hard enough at what we have. Beast is a person of color. Professor X is disabled. (With their combined intellectual powers, they can outwit us all. Damn them!) And even though Marvel has gone through several stages of execution in the visual representation of its universe on screen, one thing has remained consistent: all of the characters –save one – have maintained a sense of their national identity. Wolverine is unmistakably Canadian. Hank McCoy is American Charles Xavier is English. Who is that one character who has lost her identity you ask?

Storm! Storm who is an Igbo goddess! Storm who is played by Halle Berry. Halle Berry who didn’t even have the decency to accent her speech or add a “jor” or a “sha” to the delivery of her lines. The cheek… the very cheek, I say!

What I propose therefore, is that we need more African women super heroines, because let’s be honest, we don’t even have one. Now that Hollywood has gotten a hold of Storm, she is biracial and non-African, and that’s not fair. They have hijacked and neo-colonized and erased our goddess and I don’t like it.

But yoooouuuu, it’s okay.

As always friends, I never want to present a problem without a solution…which is why I want to propose a prototype for a new African Super Hero. She will have to tackle some of the major issues plaguing our continent. You might be tempted to suggest corruption, but that would confine our heroine. In order to fight corruption, she would first have to sit in her car, fight traffic, arrive at work in a tight skirt to get any sort of notice, and spend all her super hero time beating the mess out of her itching weave and filing papers.

No.

Our lady will not fight corruption. She will fight a foe that ALL women across the world – regardless of race, nationality or socio-economic status frequently contend with and are highly sensitive to. She will fight against the tyranny of foul odors.

First we have to come up with a name for our heroine. I propose “Fiew!” or “Ugh!” (And yes, her name must be pronounced with an exclamation point.) Oooh! I know. Let’s combine the two: Fiewugh(!)

Hey look! We came up with a name for our heroine in just a few paragraphs. Look at us go!

Fiewugh’s(!) costume is all black, of course, but it’s not made of leather. It’s made of breathable cotton. She cannot fight foul odor if she reeks of it. Have you had the opportunity to sniff one of those London boys who come to Accra or Lagos cloaked in a leather coat during the Christmas season? Sweating like the Christmas goats that they are. Nonsense. This is Africa and you come here with leather jacket? Kwasiaba like your type…

Sorry.

This is an orange seller. Look at her fine face. Tsew.

Now that we have dressed our heroine, we must give her a secret identity. We could make her a reporter or a CEO, but that’s so predictable. Let’s make her someone that people see every day, but are hidden from our greater conscience. Let’s make her a street hawker. She can’t sell roasted plantain or kele wele seller, because they are highly sought after individuals. She will sell PK. Yes! PK, to combat bad breath. You can find Fiewugh(!) on any busy street in Dakar, Accra or Cape Town. You will know her by her steel bionic nose. However, she has covered it in Iman Cosmetics…so you might not know her by her nose. Besides, she’s supposed to be a secret super hero. Why are you so nosy?

Of course she has a tiny waist and perfect C-cup boobs that float atop her chest sans support bra. In fact, her boobs have their own gravitational pull. Why? Because action hero = perfect boobs.

Great! Fiewugh(!) is ready to fight crime! All over Africa, men are refusing to bathe properly, apply appropriate amounts of deodorant or get those back teeth. That in itself is not the problem. Poverty, poor public utilities and water shortages have ravaged the continent, and hinder good hygiene. Ghana doesn’t have a cholera epidemic for nothing! The problem is, these men do not recognize that they smell and yet STILL insist on macking chicks. This is where Fiewugh(!) swoops in and delivers a mighty blow by thrusting PK in the faces of the offenders. She could smell him from across the room, thanks to her bionic nose.

But wait! What is this? Hol muh Guld! (Slangs for ‘Oh my God’.)

A stench so foul has accosted our African Super Hero Princess that she can barely stand on her feet. Her flawlessly muscular thighs begin to quiver. It is the Korle Lagoon!

Crippled by the pong, she drops to her knees and nearly dies. PK can’t fix this one. What can save our heroine now? How can she level up and crush this foe? Tune in next week for the Adventures of Fiewugh(!): The Bionic Nose Woman!

Photo credit: Ghanamagazine.com