“Should Christian Men Hit it from The Back?” Well, Since You Asked….

This evening I received a very odd, and rather unexpected text from a woman in my church. It was unexpected because I rarely have contact with said woman, and secondly, because of the nature of said text. We do not know each other like that. Like what, you ask. See here:

Maleaka, I have a question about your blog. I am here with [two other high ranking women in the church mentioned by name]. We heard you wrote a blog called “Should Christian Men Hit it From the Back?” Is that true? We’re looking for it…

Ewurade. This my blog. This my church! I never thought the day would come when there would be a coupling between the two. Even though the topic sounds like one I might I have written, I ensured my enquirer -let’s call her Romona- that I am/was not the responsible party. Romona apologized and ceased all electronic communication.

I, however, was ill at ease. I asked my husband what may have prompted Romona’s question. Why would she be asking ME? I went down a series of theories as Marshall shook his head. He assured me there was no mal-intent behind it.

“In fact, she’s asked this question before,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“Ah. Why is she so obsessed about whether or not Christian men hit it from the back?”

“I don’t know,” he answered slowly, “but the subject did come up in early morning prayer.”

Heh? Is this what my church people are praying about at 5am? I should make it a point to show up one of these days!

As I am sure at least one of the trio who initiated this discourse is reading this now, I think we should rephrase the question, since we are talking about heteronormative Judeo-Christian terms. After all, we don’t want people thinking I am here promoting sex out of wedlock. I am a deacon’s wife! The better question would be “Should One’s Christian Husband be Hitting it From the Back?” The short answer to this question is “yes”.

The long answer is: Your Christian husband should be hitting it in as many ways as your combined masses will allow. Marshall and I have a combined weight of 537 lbs. on a California King mattress.  I’m not sure what that is in psi, but I am hoping one of the engineers who is down with the MOM Squad can work that out.

pirateCaptainNeither of has joints that are that malleable, but when it comes to sex, I will rally and force as much flexibility as I can muster. Why? I’ve told you all this before: I am at an age where I only want orgasms. Every Christian woman should want orgasms. If we are not here for orgasms, what are we here for? We have conceived the children we will ever need. I have explained this to my husband in no unquestionable terms, and his understands his duty. The ONLY goal (!) is to have orgasms. Sometimes I like to dress up as a pirate captain and demand my husband join me on a quest for booty, just to make sure there is no confusion.

“Aaarrrr! And don’t come up for air until ye hath found me orgasim!”

No seriously. What kind of class 2 question if this? Should Christian men be hitting it from the back. How? This is why people don’t want to come to church, get married and get saved oooo. They think they will be doing missionary position for the rest of their lives!

Oh! We are so glad you have accepted Jesus into your heart and are now covered by His blood. Now that you have a wife, the two of you must put away your wicked, sinful ways in the bedroom. You must choose this day one sexual position, and one position only! Your wife will lie on her back in submission, and you, my brother, will climb on top and pound her.

Kai! I reject that! So for the next 30-40 years of married life, I can only eat one meal served one way? Is my marriage a sexual prison? No, please. God did not give us imaginations for us to only be doing missionary position. A Christian couple should have 2 things: An exciting prayer life and an exciting sex life. In fact, pray for God to inspire you to have better sex.

Sister, if you are reading this, your husband should be hitting it from the back AND MORE. He should have your legs on his shoulders. You should be riding him reverse cowgirl. Your breasts should be jiggling uncontrollably…and if they are in control, they must sway gracelessly in a pendulum. You and your Christian husband should have as much sex in as many different ways and in as many different situations as your circumstances will allow.

You should do it in a box.

You should do it with a fox.

You should do it on the floor.

Sex should not be dull.

You should want more, more, more!

 

Now, in all seriousness, I understand the genesis of the question. I believe it is because one of our Bishops said at one conference – or during one sermon or another – that he did not do it from the back with his wife because when he was a dog in the street, that’s how he would have sex with random women. He didn’t want to put a face to the vagina, so he would engage in doggy-style sex. (I’m paraphrasing. His rendition was much more eloquent.) Now that he is married to his lovely wife, it is simply his preference that they face each other. I don’t recall him stating that couples should not engage in doggy-style sex.

Mmmmm.

Doggy, doggy, doggy!

Look here. If animal-imitation sex is what it is going to take to get your wife to orgasm, then please advise yourself and do that. After all, the best Kung Fu is inspired by the animal world. Did not the Crane Technique take Daniel Laruso to the championship in Karate Kid? Was his execution not flawless, even though the Cobra Kai kid had broken his hip? Every Christian couple needs to invest time in studying the animal world and apply their characteristics for better and more interesting sex! How do vultures do it? Let’s try that.

Do you know that every day, thousands of married women die without ever having experienced the pleasure and the POWER of an orgasm? This is a human tragedy on par with war and famine. I believe both men and women have discounted the true value of a good, strong, enduring female climax. It is the memory of that sensation that keeps ones wife doing your dookey stained laundry. It is what causes her to greet you with a smile after your hard day at work. It is what makes her rest her head on your shoulder on Sunday mornings during service. If – as a couple – we are not coming, we are going. And we are going in the wrong direction, hurtling towards anger and dissatisfaction. So please, let’s come together, in all senses of the phrase.

Now, if you cannot give your wife orgasms because you are lazy or unskilled, you must at least be able to give her money in compensation for your failure. Your wife is not a saint suffering with and for you just for the fun of it. If, post coitus,  you glance over and your wife is looking at you with this face, just advise yourself. Go into your wallet, and bless her with Calvin Klein spending money for wasting her time.

Really, dude? I coulda had a V8.
Really, dude? I coulda had a V8.

I just can’t believe I got asked this question. A Christian woman is like any other warmblooded woman. She wants her heart to skip a beat. She wants to be surprised in love. Some of us even like to be spanked. I do. Just the other night, I told my husband to spank me as if I had stood in front of the church and told the whole congregation that he spends his spare time rolling in glitter and skipping through dewy meadows in a silver kilt. After he got over the shock and his fit of laughter he delivered a proper, open-palmed blow.

And

I

Liked

It

 

In conclusion, I hope I have made my sentiments on the matter very clear. If hitting it from the back is going to thrill you both between the sheets, then that is what you MUST do. There are no “shoulds” about it. At 37, I am past my self-determined child-bearing age. My uterus’ function is no longer to carry human  life. What I am not, however, is past orgasm achieving age. I don’t think that age will ever come. I want to and plan to have sheet staining climaxes well into my 90’s. I can see my grandkids now.

“Guys! Grandma peed on herself again. Someone come help me change the sheets.”

I will respond with a sly grin, “Oh no. That’s not pee, baby. Heh heh heh… Now give your Granny some water. She’s thirsty.”

*Cackle*

 

  • Robert Lange

    I am cracking up in the office here. Haha. Such an awesome article. Not married yet but definitely want to explore my wife’s body when I do.. From every side.. and in as many places as we can

    • And I’m sure your future wife will be excited to discover that her husband is looking forward to this. A toast, to the happy couple!

  • Monique K

    You slayed me! Killed me! How come you are having more fun than me at 25 eh? This is not fair ooh!

  • rosemarylala

    Are you sure the woman didn’t mean another type of hit from the back o?…you know like the happy people do

    • I hope she didn’t. Oh dear. I should ask her to be sure. LOL!

    • Ohemaa

      The thought did cross my mind too rosemarylala. And if THAT is the case, Malaka, it’s high time you wrote on anal sex between heterosexuals. I have extremely strong views about the subject but will await your post before I comment. You need to write this post. Wa ky3 kraa dudu. Or have you expounded on this before and I never read it?

  • Misty

    As I sat at the table, reading this mess, I covered my face and blushed in waves of embarrassment and laughter as my husband asks “What in the world are you reading?” As the tears roll down my cheek, I answer, “It’s explicit! Ms. Grant is at it again! I need to go to confession after reading this one!.” He scratches his head as he walks away, wondering……..

  • Ohemaa

    Lord knows you’ve made me laugh like my head no dey MANY a time but this one took the cake. Mehnn! It was the first thing I read when I woke up this morning and my only regret was I didn’t have a husband sleeping next to me so we could read this together, have laughing fits over it and proceed to hit it from the back before he got up, reluctantly of course, to get ready for work. Hope this is my year to finally meet someone I find interesting enough to get shackled to for life. Today’s post is a keeper! Have you realized that since that friend of yours challenged you to write every day for 7 days, you’ve become so much better (you’re aging like fine wine) at writing and enthralling your readers Malaka? There’s a lot to be said about practice making perfect. Writers write and that’s all they do. My prayer for you this year is that you’ll be blessed enough financially to do nothing but write so that we read more from you (this blog, novels, articles in magazines, etc.) and you share more with the world. The whole world needs to know about you missy. You have an interesting mind, I LOVE it. Toodles!

  • Michelle

    I concur with Rosemarylala’s question. My mind went to the Christian couple and Anal when I saw the title. It came up a couple of times during my uni days.

  • Susan

    I have this Cheshire cat grin on my face. I am blushing too, but I am sure glad you said them. It needed to be said.

  • Allen

    First time on your blog. I agree with Rosemarylala. I think if it was the “doggy style” she meant, she would have just felt easy saying that. “Hit from the back” feels more Anal. IJS

  • You are crazier than me!

  • panji anoff

    thank you… your writing always makes me either smile very broadly or laugh out loud…

    • Eeeek! Panji Anoff reads my blog? Oh joy! I adore Pidgin Music!

  • “I never thought the day would come when there would be a coupling between the two.” Hmmm, you haven’t seen anything yet. Wait until you begin to get phone calls from your children about your blog posts.

  • Nii

    First timer…..where have I been all this while…. I’m laughing my head off…and well…you said it like it needs to be said. How about some oral tutorials?

    • Marshall

      Pervert.

    • Souljagirl

      Nii!
      You sold your website!!!!

  • Abena

    Hahhahaha, u went for the jugular! Those Christian sisters would be calling you!
    Hit it from the back all day every day baby!
    I love the part about if you not giving her good sex, then give her money! Hallelujah! U are in the spirit! Yes Lawd!

  • Allison

    Oh my God! I have been itching, ITCHING to respond to this all day! I opened up my email as my kids were writing an essay and about gave birth trying to stifle my laughter. So eloquent. So raw. So you. You make me wish I lived closer just so I could come hug you or just bask in your presence. You sing to my soul!

  • Oh oh oh, my sister. I cracked up at this so heartily. Especially because I greeted my dear husband when he came home from work with a sly smile…just like you said. The truth is no rumor!

  • Lucienne

    MDFSKKK, Ms Malaka you won’t kill me oo! Love, love, love. Continue to do you my dear, cus no one does you better than you!

  • elvis

    you just Killed me Dead. Beautiful piece.

  • Love it!

  • Edith

    Beautiful and real ……love love love it . Hit me hard !!!

  • jk

    You have a new fan. Loved it.

  • Emily

    WOW! How have I never read any of your articles? You hit the nail right on the head……your writing style is absolutely amazing and hilarious…….Christian doesn’t equal unadventurous oo. Off to cach up on all other articles i missed out on 🙂

  • Squirt!!! 😂😂😂😂 Oh my! Malaka you’ve made my week with this post! And do it with a fox?! Trio? Trigonometry? 😆😆

    • Yeah gurrrl. That’s that beast coming out of you. Fox mode, ninjas!

  • Delakan

    ROFL…Message very well conveyed! My favorite line: “It is the memory of that sensation that keeps ones wife doing your dookey stained laundry.” Truth be told! 🙂

  • Pingback: Should Christian Men Hit it from the Back?- Mind Of Malaka - The Sheet()

  • I really enjoy reading your work. Much love and #respect

  • Funmilayo

    Couldn’t agree more! Nicely written! And thank God I don’t have to give hubby that face! He handles business!!

    • Well alright then! They don’t call him Mr Prime for nuthin eh? Lol!

  • Thanks for the education. Sad married christians add ‘spiritual’ connotations to their sex life. Remember someone once denounced sex on the sabbath. It was sad

    • AM

      I dont think there was a Sabbath yet in the Garden of Eden, now you KNOW, Adam and Eve was getting it in. Perhaps my Bible is different from the rest.

      • Hi Am,
        When you read from this is KJV Gen 1:23-31 God created man on the 6th day. And Chapter 2:2-3 God instituted the Sabbath after creating man. ..

  • naa ayeley quaye

    Interesting piece. Got me smiling and laughing so hard.

  • Ray-Marissa

    This is a great article, you wowed me!
    I’m not married yet but now I look forward to it. You answered some of the questions I had. I had a good laugh in my office.

  • AM

    They should hit wherever there is a hole, no?

    I just continue to rove you. Remember me when them checks have a lot of zeros in em.

    • AM

      Forgot to add. Do write about anal sex. Is it the debil that encourages it? Or will prevent some from entering the pearly gates….

  • Ebila

    My first time visiting your blog,and i must confess i had a swell time.Your post was witty and H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S.Well,i think that question came from a confused mind.Our religious leaders sometimes spoil sex for us with their ‘thoughts’ and not what God allows or abhors.The bible encourages sex and it didn’t say we should only do missionary.Sex for Christians should even be more exciting so we wouldn’t be tempted by the devil to seek the excitement outside our homes.The ones who feel they’re too holy to explore are either secretly exploring outside or craving exploration.I am married and i ‘drill’ from every possible angel to find ‘crude’,and my wife readily forgives my shortcomings.I mean,is it easy to find crude almost every time you drill? Hehehehe Nice one madam.

    • HAHAHAHAAAAA!! It’s true mome. You won’t always strike crude when we are drilling. But if you know your field well, your chances of success are higher.

  • peachtree

    learning…

  • Nana D

    Definitely a good piece and I have sent the link to a million people. So true and so true and so true!!!

  • MoGboMoYa

    Good write up. But…I think you need to specify on what “hitting it from the back” is in marriage because some men develop the odd desire to “sodomize” their wives much later in marriage. Call it mid-life crisis or whatever.
    The issue for this lady maybe a greater worry than we think as this “issue” causes great heartache and “buttache” for many a wife.
    Do give us your opinion on this issue as i look forward to your response.

  • Pingback: My Very First #ThursdayLinkLove! | truly tafakari()

  • Mercy

    You cracked my ribs. Made my evening. Very interesting read. And mostly very on point. People need to stop acting like the only reason they married was to have kids. ★★★★★

  • Samdaktari

    How I have laughed, you don’t even know. Great read Ms. Deacon’s Wife.

  • Achang

    Very much enjoyed the light handed writing style. Unless you’re a stuck up Mary Slessor, one should always be open minded to marital sex-ploration!! After all, we reeducate ourselves to improve our skills. Sex should not be different. Reeducate, Rediscover, Release!

  • Daisy

    Truest talk ever

  • LMAO!!!!!!!!! I love it!!

  • Reblogged this on The Book Of Elchyko and commented:
    Oh wow! Must read…. The ending had me in fits…

  • Douglas

    Come on its marraige. Not prision. Husband and wife should have fun and enjoy marriage. All these bishops n co dt dont know ow to have fun.

  • Kwadwo B

    My colleagues think I’m high! Ma sre saaa! In the words of the old “if the face of a drum is lying there, don’t play the side”. You’ve hit the nail right on the head. Me mom dier when I finally marry my girlfriend I will put all ” asore panyin ” business aside in the bedroom and do my duty onto her and onto God in grand style(s)!

  • Love it!!! Oh my goodness it has made my day!

  • Louisa

    OMG, best written piece ever on sex with married couples…laughed so hard but took a message away too. Thanks x

  • Pingback: Link | Doing Life By His Side()

  • Ai

    I was still laughing from reading your post when this ‘revelation’ surfaced…

  • please try to confirm if its anal or doggy….if its anal I do not support that and I dnt think any Christian should do that….also there are these new dominatrix….you can share on that.
    any other position is fine with me…errrm when I get married ofcourse.
    very nice and down to earth piece sis.

    • Honestly I think if rather leave that up to your determination…

  • Ri

    Love the realness of this! Thanks for this!

    Thought you might want to see this though, came across it tonight.

    http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/02/16/nigerian-pastor-in-the-uk-warns-married-couples-missionary-is-the-only-holy-sexual-act/

    • I SAW this rubbish! It has been all over twitter. Didn’t I say there are some corrupt pastors who want to ruin sex for Christians? Missionary only for the next 40 years? Kai! This is not of Gawd!

  • I’m done. Someone brought religion, sex, pirates and Kung Fu in one hilarious, informative sermon.
    Madam! Please, come and pastor a church in Nigeria.

    • You are the only one who took note of the Kung Fu element. Bless you.

  • Hilarious.

  • Nannie

    I’m reading this at 12:35 am and can’t agree more! My boyfriend led me to this blog and I’m staying!lol. I believe sex is a selfless act. You give off your best so the other benefits and vice versa. It is out of love. Anything out of love is selfish and that’s when it doesn’t become ‘spiritual’. So yeah, I totally agree any position is great, as long as you both agree on it and you’re doing it to show love to your partner. That’s the best sex you can ever have!!
    (And no we have never had sex, we are waiting till the wedding night!)

  • owolabi

    This is so liberating,exciting and fulfilling!! ..Can you please write a blog on how christian men can improve their love making skills so their wife can “come” all the time ?

  • Pingback: agatha's Blog()

  • Pingback: My Pastor Said…. | agatha's Blog()

  • Quasi Amudzi

    “how do vultures do it?” ermm…i think they do it in the air…lols

  • Elvis

    Hmmmmm…. Its a heavy reality and sincerely worth a lot of sense… Pls if the ladies don’t satisfy the men well (under God) brothers will quickly snap at other options (still under God). Let’s preserve our homes. The bible never condemned sex styles it only condemned bedeviled sexual orientation!!

    • Übermom

      Boo!

  • Übermom

    Kung-fu! Calvin Klein dresses!! Orgasms!!!
    My favourite things
    You made no mention of dark chocolate tho’ 🤔 What’s up with that?!
    Very well written; the applause is real. Kudos Sister 👍🏾