Governor Adams Oshiomhole Must be the *Nicest* Man in Africa

Last week, Marshall and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. *Confetti…yay!*

As we sat down to dinner, I casually opened my Facebook app (a habit of mine he has long hated, but has grown accustomed to) and saw that another couple in Africa had just tied the knot within days of our anniversary. That couple comprised of Edo State Governor, Adams Oshiomhole and Lara Fortes. Iara Fortes is (or was) an airline hostess. There are media reports that she is a model as well – but this is Africa we’re talking. Every light skinned woman above the height of 5 feet is a “model”. Iara Fortes needs to be proud of her position of a sky hostess and stop this attempt to disguise her true talents. If you are awesome at bringing businessmen ice water in first class, own it!

Although Marshall hates that I spend so much time on my phone during the precious few hours we generally have together, he can’t deny that I generally find interesting items to discuss and dissect. The marriage of Governor Oshiomhole and Ms. Fortes was definitely worth dissection.

Reaction to the union on social media has been pretty predictable. Obviously – according to the Twitteratti and Facebook Kids – Iara Fortes was marrying the good governor for money. That’s the only reason pretty girls/women marry dudes that look like this, right? Because he’s wealthy? No, please. That explanation did not sit well with either of us.

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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is single and wealthy.

Idris Elba is single and wealthy.

Several footballers on several African teams are single and wealthy.

There was no reason for Iara Fortes to merge her body and soul with this man for the mere benefit of wealth…not when there are so many superior looking and equally wealthy men on God’s green planet. It’s not as if she wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet these men. As I said before, her job was to bring chips and ice water to business and first class customers in the sky! We surmised that something deeper was at play. This was a puzzle that needed solving, and my husband and I (okay, just *EYE*) am proud of what we came up with for possible reasons to make sense of this marriage:

Juju was at work

Nigerian men are not above using juju to get what they want…at least in films. The dark arts are employed to acquire wealth, revenge, super human strength. But when it comes to matters of the heart, the stereotype is that it is usually women who turn to magic to capture the affections of a desired mate.

I don’t think Iara Fortes used juju, but it would not surprise me if the governor sprinkled some ground chicken bones in her Coke and whispered incantations over her in her sleep to ensure that this union took place. I mean, ah. Look at the way he has gripped her hand to put on the ring. What woman allows herself to be manhandled in this way without protesting? He is manhandling her in public…imagine how he will treat her away from the gaze and clicks of cameras!

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The Governor was a rebound

It is a known and proven fact that good looking men – and especially men who know/are convinced that they are good looking – treat women like crap. They know that they can, because even if you leave, there will be another woman in the wings waiting for her turn to be treated like garbage. As for this one, I have experienced it myself. It’s ridiculous. There is no explanation for it!

My theory is that the good governor swooped in at the right time and saw that Iara Fortes had some sadness behind her eyes. He offered her some kindly (and fatherly) words, offered her his card, told her to call him anytime she wanted to talk and BOOM! Before she knew it, she was saying “I Do”. He hit her with that ‘nice guy’ act and she was powerless to resist.  This leads into Marshall’s theory which is…

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Iara’s Right Brain Beat the Left into Submission

The right side of the brain controls emotion. It recognizes faces, controls creativity and is associated with intuition. The left side of the brain controls logic, critical thinking and reasoning. When a person is “in love”, your brain is in a virtual fog. It emits neurotransmitters into your bloodstream that produce a feeling of euphoria whenever you think about object of your desire or are in his/her presence.

Marshall thinks Iara is thinking (or not) with her right brain, and when that left kicks in, she’s gonna be like “Awww shucks…I’m stuck now.”

 

She’s trying to spite her parents

Look at the faces of Mr. and Mrs. Fortes. Do they look happy to you? The mother didn’t even bother to do her hair properly to witness the wedding. It looks like they had just come back from lunch at the Golden Corral and were like “Well, I guess we better head over to Lara’s wedding. Did you bring the vodka? I’m going to need it to get through this day.”

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We’re all being catfished

No. Seriously. Is this a joke?

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Supporters of the marriage have come out en force to enquire why so many people are in arms about the union. If Iara Fortes is marrying Governor O, why does it concern you? Is it your marrying?

“No!” say their detractors, “but it is our taxes!”

African politics and social norms will never cease to amuse and amaze. I don’t care about the money. History is full of advantageous and powerful marriages that have shaped our reality today… but this one, I can’t understand.  I care deeply about unlocking this code. I want to understand.

 

What do you think? When Marshall and I first got married, many people thought we were oddly matched and couldn’t make sense of our relationship either. Do you think these crazy kids have a chance? Is she in it for the money? Is he in it for her body? Discuss!

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7 thoughts on “Governor Adams Oshiomhole Must be the *Nicest* Man in Africa

  1. Am

    Lissen…money talks. This ain’t Idris.
    I will leave it that, because our Father who art in Heaven created all of us in His image….

    1. Malaka Post author

      No, no, no! MX5 and I cracked the code! We know EXACTLY how this happened! Curse of the virginity and patriarchy strikes again!

  2. Akos

    Congrats!!!!!!!!!!! on your ten year anniversary. That is huge in the times we live in. Many more years to come.

    1. Malaka Post author

      Thank you! I know what you mean. Everyone we tell is like “Woww”. 10 years p3h.

      Love is hard ooo.

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