All Your Favorite Christmas Songs is NasTAY!

There are two types of people in this world where Christmas music is concerned: Those who love it, and those who don’t. You can’t be “neutral” about Christmas music. It’s just not possible. As for me, I happen to fall in the category that loves the hokeyness of holiday tunes and like millions of other Americans, I look forward to the day after Thanksgiving when Top 40 radio plays all Christmas, all day long until December 26^th. So, as you might imagine, I have dedicated innumerable man hours to consuming the genre.

For many years, I have sang merrily along with artists who have put a country, rock and/or hip-hop spin on classics such as ‘Mary Did You Know’ and ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’. I have my opinions on whether Mandisa is actually a better Christmas carol crooner than Mariah. I have spent a lot of time pondering whether CeeLo Green is an evil genius for releasing an album of carols or just desperate for public acceptance after being ousted from his job on ‘The Voice’ following his outrageous assertions about rape. (I have to admit, it is a very fun, well produced album. You should check it out.) However, this is the first time in my life that I have dedicated the effort to actually analyzing the lyrics of some of my most favored carols. In doing so, I have discovered that a number of them are just downright debauching. You may find this hard to believe, but let’s just take a look at these four songs which are played in heavy rotation year after year. Given the sexually driven climate of pop culture, I don’t think that this is by mistake that these four get so much air time. Let’s deconstruct them.

Santa Baby

If you were looking for a manual on how to manipulate Santa Clause by appealing to his primal nature, this song is it. ‘Santa Baby’ is a song purred by a gold digging floozy who has corrupted the good Mr. Clause and encouraged him to take leave of his senses. This is a song about seduction and financial coercion using sex as a weapon. She doesn’t hesitate before she pounces with:

Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me;
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue;
I’ll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed;
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed;
Next year I could be just as good… if you check off my Christmas list…

Herh! Who should hurry down “your chimney”? And because you haven’t been thot bopping around town with unemployed scrubs, you think that entitles you to a new drop top? Filthy slhore! This is a married man. Let him have peace!

Baby It’s Cold Outside

This song is a duet about date rape. It just is. There is no denying it. We’ll be better off once we all accept it.

My husband has always been uneasy about this song, and I never understood why. Now I do. I can see this poor girl pleading to leave this man’s house while he peppers her with rebuttals like a door-to-door sales man trained in the ninja arts of overcoming customer objections. It’s like he can’t hear her “no”, and could care less about the emotions her family might be going through while waiting up for a daughter/sister out later than normal. I cringe every time this song comes on.

(My mother will start to worry) Beautiful, what’s your hurry
(My father will be pacing the floor) Listen to the fireplace roar
(So really I’d better scurry) Beautiful, please don’t hurry
(Well, maybe just half a drink more) Put some records on while I pour

He even spikes her drink to lower her inhibitions:

(The neighbors might think) Baby, it’s bad out there
(Say what’s in this drink) No cabs to be had out there
(I wish I knew how) Your eyes are like starlight now
(To break this spell) I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ has been performed by numerous artists over the years. And as disturbing as the lyrics and the intent behind this song are, I am even more perturbed by the fact that there now exists a female-to-female version of the song.

I don’t know… it just seems anti-feminist for one woman to drug another with the intent to get into her panties, all the while employing the sorry excuse that it’s cold outside.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause

This is a song about a poor kid who has witnessed his mother’s infidelity and is uncertain about what to do next. He tries to use humor as a shield for his mixed up emotions. The boy is able to recount – in great detail – the series of amorous events that take place between his mother and this deity underneath the mistletoe. This woman thought her son was fast asleep and therefore felt free to invite this man to “slide down her chimney” while in the confines of her martial home.

She is tickling Santa.

She’s kissing Santa.

And meanwhile, all this young chap can think about what his father’s reaction would be to seeing his wife nuzzling with a man 300 times her age.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

No, baby. Daddy would not be laughing. Nobody would be laughing. This song chronicles the events leading up to a broken home, and potentially, a domestic violence situation.

Look at them boots. Look at that cape. Santa is a freak.

Let it Snow

This song. This song is the most subversive of them all! But me, I have seen through it! Look at this:

When we finally kiss goodnight
How I’ll hate going out in the storm
But if you’ll really hold me tight
All the way home I’ll be warm

The fire is slowly dying
And my dear, we’re still goodbying
As long as you love me so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Yes, I know it looks innocent enough, but it’s not. This song is about two virgins dry humping at either one’s parental home…and in front of the fireplace, no less. A place where people gather to find peace and enjoy the calming crackling of burning wood. Ohhh, there’s wood alright!

Whereas the protagonist in ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is a seasoned sexual predator who roofies the drinks of his quarry, the young man in this song has brought popcorn with the hopes of gently snuggling with the object of his affection. Popcorn and his penis.

What else could “goodbying” be a synonym for but crotch contact? Yes! The only way he’ll be warm all the way home just from this young woman “holding him tight” would be from the heat generated from friction of dry humping!

Shocking, isn’t it? I should say so! Just remember my warning as you listen to Christmas carols with the kids tomorrow night. All is not as innocent as it seems! What is your favorite Christmas song/carol. Leave the titles in the comments and let me ruin it for you. 🙂