You see what happens when you underestimate a man with a conk and a pocket watch? You think he’s innocuous and then one day: BOOM! You are sitting on your sister’s sofa with your heart in your throat, swallowing, breathing and pumping blood through your veins, simultaneously failing at all three. Why because the shiny conk man is pulling words from the spiritual realm to trouble your bohdi.
Oh Jidenna! Why?!? Is your father Yoruba? Are you one of the Yoruba Demons my Naija sisters have been complaining of on Twirra? Because if you are not, you are certainly displaying the tendencies of those dreaded heart breakers. Chai!
I know, I know. You’re sitting here wondering what has Malaka in such a tizzy today. What is it THIS time? Surely by now you’ve seen the video of which my title speaks? Here. Let me help you. Just watch it.
Ahaaaa. Now, aren’t you also angry? As a fellow lover of beautiful men, are you not also in the throes of vexation? Who sent Jidenna on a fact-finding mission today? It was Satan. It had to be Satan. Who else roams the earth as roving lion looking for whom he may devour, if not Lucifer himself? And did not Jidenna himself warn Bambi (i.e. ME) that there were lions out here? He did! You heard it, and so did I.
But what was this fact-finding mission that the Lord of Darkness commission and Jidenna happily accept? It was to prove that women DON’T LISTEN. But he kraaaaa, who asked him to go and pull this evidence? We were all happy in our state of inertia and now Jidenna has gone and set a forest fire of confusion in motion.
First of all, let’s discuss this coffee mug that he entered the stage with. See his face. Like he is advising me like he is my father – my father who has called me to the living room to give me a strong warning. But does my father look like Jidenna? Does yours? Then why is he giving me advise to stay away from sweet things like we share a filial bond? Just gerrarheah mehn! Just walking around under purple lights, sipping the drink he didn’t finish before he left the green room like the whole Good Morning America was his personal pool hall and he is the God Father or Heartbreak.
Oh Bambi I won’t lie
If I weren’t in this spider web of mine
If grandfather never had seven wives
Then darling you would be love of my life
Oh Bambi it’s my design
To run the jungle I must be a lion
Or be a cheetah but neither is fine
Don’t wanna hurt my dear love of my life
Maybe I want my heart broken. Maybe we like it like that. After all, there is nothing that God and a little E6000 together can’t fix. Isn’t this pain you are trying to keep me/us from feeling the reason the Japanese invented kintsukuroi? I mean, sometimes the heartbreak is worth it. Something beautiful can come from a broken heart. But only if YOU break it for us, Jidenna. It’s those fiyanga boys that come into our lives as a destabilizing force that we don’t care for. But when a man such as yourself enters our romantic realm, Jidenna, there is confusion from start to finish. So issorai. You can’t tell me there is a woman you’ve ever dated who has been in her right mind from introduction to break up, where you are concerned. So please, this your Bambi cautionary tale is unwarranted. Believe us, we know. We have counted the cost from the beginning and we are okay with the price. But instead of you to be secure in that knowledge, you’ve gone to put pen to paper to craft a song revealing our proclivities for self-destruction for all to see.
Jide (pronounced Ji*day), why have you lied to us? You know the video you shot didn’t end that way in real life? Please, if you arrive at any red-blooded woman’s wedding in a cream suit and ostrich shoes, crying as you make your way to the bridal vehicle, you know very well that she’s not going to willingly just drive away fwah lydat. Tears? From Jide? Oh no, no, no, no… At least the three people involved: the bride, the groom and you will have some discussion. Who will leave fine Jidenna to sit outside of a cathedral to weep and be held back by common area boys? No one with a heart and conscious!
And that is why your appearance on the television annoyed me so greatly. Because you have been taking advantage of my heart and the heart of my sisters since the release of that single. Just causing confusion and inner turmoil. “He’s telling me he’s no good for me, but I still want him! I want him like I want a fever dream! I want to feel this delirious always!” This is a dilemma 98% of women will face in her dating life. It’s something we don’t talk about, and now you and your Merry Band of Acapella instrumentalists made us FEEL it….are still making us FEEL it at unscheduled hours for these sorts of things. Do you know how many times that performance has been shared on my newsfeed alone today? Spirit of the living God! This is not the season for skin pain! When we are ready, when we are ready…
Sir. Please. Enough. Go and wear your Ankara shorts and sin no more. Stop making songs about American antelopes and let nature take its course. And you… Next time you want to make a woman analogous to an animal, please choose something more representative of our shared West African heritage. Warriz ‘Bambi’? Dem get Bambi for Nigeria? You are a lion. I am a goat. Just devour and stop this plenty talk. Have you not read your sister Nnedi Okorafor’s book, ‘Who Fears Death’? You think we fear to die if e go be you wey you go chop us? I say again, your cautionary tales are not welcome here!
I’ve warned you for the last time.