It Will Probably Take A Zombie Apocalypse To Make Ghana Clean Again

This morning, I woke up in a panic. My heart was racing so furiously I thought it would tear through my rib cage and bounce its way out of my bedroom window. I had just dreamt of Ghana, and I was terrified by the vision that rendered me motionless for an unknown length of time. It felt like an eternity.

In my dream, Ghana was clean. There was no trash – not a piece of plastic, not a stray strip of paper – to be found in the streets. The roads were clear of debris. The beaches were again sandy white! And the air… If you could bottle it and sell it, it’d be the hottest fragrance on the market. What could have caused this phenomenon? There had to be only one explanation: All of the Ghanaians had died.

You’re sitting there thinking that this is an extreme conclusion at which to arrive, but you don’t know Ghanaians like I do. When it comes to sanitation, we are obdurate in the insistence that we do things that will lead to the opposite of success. We sweep our streets of litter and throw the refuse into open gutters. One would ask why we still have open gutters in 2018? Someone in government (or in church leadership) will explain that open gutters are a part of Ghanaian “culture”, and any attempt to advocate for a modern sewer system is an exercise in the demonic and profane. Then there is the burning of household waste; plastic, tin cans, and carcasses of deceased animals… it doesn’t matter. Anything that CAN be burned in the backyard (or in an open field) WILL be burned. Setting fire to undesirable items (and people) – and polluting the air in the process – is how Ghanaians have been disposing of unwanted things for years! Because, tradition.

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Image credit: Graphic Online

That is how I know that the only way Ghana will ever be clean again is if a pack of zombies invades the country and eats everyone. Every citizen. Every parliamentarian. This sitting president and the next. Everyone must go! And after having eaten every Ghanaian, the responsible zombies will clean up their kitchen and dining room (i.e. the entirety of the landscape) before going back to where they came from. And then the Nigerians will make a film about the event and call it Ghana Has Gone or Dem Chop Ghanaians Like Banku Part 1 &2 or something like that. (It will star Majid Michel, because he’s to valuable an actor the Nigerian entertainment industry to lose to something as silly as a zombie massacre. The Nigerians are sure to save him.)  The one thing that will not change after the Zombie Apocalypse: Ghana Edition is a Nigerian’s capacity to capitalize on Ghanaian laziness, inefficiency and lackluster willpower. All of the Nigerians living in Ghana will leave with all the money they have hoarded in Nigerian banks and fly to their mother country on their Nigerian airlines.

It was terrible. Seeing the streets devoid of filth and rubbish terrified me. It would probably terrify the average citizen as well. I am asking every Ghanaian to commit to prayer with me. Pray that the government continues to ignore and under fund green initiatives. Pray that plastic always has a place in Ghanaian society. Lets hope that it continues to decimate wildlife, choke the soil and accentuate the scenery as we drive. Plead with your God(s) that people continue to litter with wanton abandon. Request more pit latrines so that the atmosphere in the environs outside of the metropolis may always carry the stench of fecal waste! Snub every effort to keep Ghana safe and clean. If anyone offers the government money for recycling initiatives, steal it and built a purple mansion instead! We wouldn’t know what to do with a healthy and functioning environment. That sort of nonsense is for countries like Sweden, Norway and those wannabe Europeans in Rwanda.

It’s hard to believe, but there was once a time when Ghana was very clean. Our rivers were healthy. Our oceans azure. The soil loamy and the streets shaded by mighty trees. But then we either killed or deposed anyone who cared about the environment in that manner. Who did these people think they were! So yeah…we killed them (and their ideas) and now poison ourselves in the process.

Perhaps, if every Ghanaian steps up the effort and commits to living as squalidly and irresponsibly as possible, it will be too much for the zombies to contend with and it will keep their impending attack at bay. Perhaps they will find our poisoned bodies indigestible and unappealing. I mean, who wouldn’t want to main this as the status quo?

Stay filthy, y’all!