African Rappers Who have Tried to Kill me But will Not Succeed in de Name of Jesosss….



Timbalands in 100 degree weather and humidity at 140%.

An NY “kep” tilted just to the side to indicate that you are saturated with that certain “I-don’t-care-ism”. (Or perhaps your African head is too big for the kep, who knows?”

These are just a few of the trappings of the African hip hop artiste grinding on the internet streets must acquire and perfect if he/she has any hope of raking in all those nairas and rands. The goal is to murder a track and by extension, murder “the game”. Some of these hip hop boys have also tried to murder me in the process, but like you, I have stood firm and stayed strong! I refuse to allow their trickery and roguishness bring me to an early grave in the name of all that is holy!

Oh…who are these boys? Allow me introduce you! I hope you have a strong pair of ribs and 15 minutes to spare. These videos are a doozie.

First up is RIAK, Sudan born, Minnesota bred round the way rapper. You know who else is from Minnesota? Prince. You know who Minnesota swerved when it was time to receive talent? RIAK. Please watch:

When Drake and Meek Mill began their Twitter spat which quickly devolved into a diss track rap “battle”, ‘Legendary’ top-top Nigerian rapper Vic. O promised to “murder” both Drake and Mik if he got 5,000 retweets. Within 48 hours, he accomplished that goal and one of the worst (and most hilarious) African rap videos was born:

Now, there are times when an African rapper will intentionally use his craft to make a mockery of the aberration  of Western culture that has become pervasive in sectors of African society. Ghana rapper Wanlov the Kubolor is one of those rap-smiths. Here is his contribution to near heart attack:

And what list of Africans who have caused near car crashes and the death of a thousand fairies and babies’ dreams be without acknowledging the contributions of songstress Berenice? Though she is not a rapper, she is certainly worthy of honorable mention on this list. It’s been a year since this video went viral, and it’s still as delightful as the first time it almost killed me:

In fact, my sister and I were so inspired by Berenice that we made a video emulating her while we  were on vacation in the Islands earlier this year:



You. Yes, you reading! There is a video of a girl screaming “Eddie Woking”. You know the one I’m referring to! Feel free to drop it in the comments section. It is only THEN that this disastrous list can be deemed complete. It’s okay! It’s time for the world to know that the Continent is not just inhabited with warlords and greedy governors. We have other ways of killing ourselves…chiefly with laughter.