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African Rappers Who have Tried to Kill me But will Not Succeed in de Name of Jesosss….



Timbalands in 100 degree weather and humidity at 140%.

An NY “kep” tilted just to the side to indicate that you are saturated with that certain “I-don’t-care-ism”. (Or perhaps your African head is too big for the kep, who knows?”

These are just a few of the trappings of the African hip hop artiste grinding on the internet streets must acquire and perfect if he/she has any hope of raking in all those nairas and rands. The goal is to murder a track and by extension, murder “the game”. Some of these hip hop boys have also tried to murder me in the process, but like you, I have stood firm and stayed strong! I refuse to allow their trickery and roguishness bring me to an early grave in the name of all that is holy!

Oh…who are these boys? Allow me introduce you! I hope you have a strong pair of ribs and 15 minutes to spare. These videos are a doozie.

First up is RIAK, Sudan born, Minnesota bred round the way rapper. You know who else is from Minnesota? Prince. You know who Minnesota swerved when it was time to receive talent? RIAK. Please watch:

When Drake and Meek Mill began their Twitter spat which quickly devolved into a diss track rap “battle”, ‘Legendary’ top-top Nigerian rapper Vic. O promised to “murder” both Drake and Mik if he got 5,000 retweets. Within 48 hours, he accomplished that goal and one of the worst (and most hilarious) African rap videos was born:

Now, there are times when an African rapper will intentionally use his craft to make a mockery of the aberration  of Western culture that has become pervasive in sectors of African society. Ghana rapper Wanlov the Kubolor is one of those rap-smiths. Here is his contribution to near heart attack:

And what list of Africans who have caused near car crashes and the death of a thousand fairies and babies’ dreams be without acknowledging the contributions of songstress Berenice? Though she is not a rapper, she is certainly worthy of honorable mention on this list. It’s been a year since this video went viral, and it’s still as delightful as the first time it almost killed me:

In fact, my sister and I were so inspired by Berenice that we made a video emulating her while we  were on vacation in the Islands earlier this year:



You. Yes, you reading! There is a video of a girl screaming “Eddie Woking”. You know the one I’m referring to! Feel free to drop it in the comments section. It is only THEN that this disastrous list can be deemed complete. It’s okay! It’s time for the world to know that the Continent is not just inhabited with warlords and greedy governors. We have other ways of killing ourselves…chiefly with laughter.

This article has 10 comments

  1. Ama

    Yesu! the title of this piece had me grinning widely, hearing it yelled out in my mind’s ear (with vim! that favourite tag of Ghanaians) in Naija tones (begging your tolerance, my Naija brethren).

    Went through all the preceding clips but nothing prepared me for Berenice! What did that deluded chile think she was trying to do? That aint singing! Not even wailing, which at least has a purpose! She has killed me several times, but I keep coming up for air!

    Can you and your sister design an award for her? Challenge is how to even categorise what she is doing in that clip!

    Rolling on the floor again, nearly dead, from another bout of laughter! Dear God, please don’t let me recall this on public transport, else somebody may call the white-coated people!

    Ms. M why? why? I was sitting my somewhere oo, yoo!

    • Malaka

      Berenice is that bottomless pot of gold that never ceases giving! She’s brought joy to hundreds of thousands of people in the last year alone. 😂😂

      I don’t think we can conjure an award that will do either her or Riak justice.

      As for why…? My sister. Just because! lol!

  2. Swaye Kidd

    Long live RIAK.. He needs a medal of honour from Minnesota State. Lmao

  3. emalmqvist90

    This made my Sunday! So funny 😂
    I thought this should also be part of the list

  4. Colleen

    Oh my days Malaka you made my day with this post!!!!! I can’t get over that Nigerian rapper dissing “Drek and Mek” tooooo funny!!! Have you seen our very own African rapper here in Australia? He was recently featured on JImmy Fallon, hilarious!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nn7vwhGzAM

    • Malaka

      Girrrrl. When he kept repeating their names in that his rooted Calabar accent, it was like a kick to my gut each time! I watched that video 6 times. Every time was better than the rest. Lol!
      I can’t wait to watch your contribution!

      • Colleen

        girl you deh make me laugh ooh with his “calabar accent” HAHAHAHA!!!!! Why must our people be this funny man?

    • Malaka

      Collleeeeeennnn!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂

      I got the popcorn, sharrreee, come and be by my side.

      • Colleen

        LOL!!!!!!! It was such a hit here in Aussie a few years ago. The dude was on TV in TV commercials and all. You should see his beef with Jimmy Fallon, I DIED!!!

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