True story: I fake orgasms

WARNING: For all my super holy friends, you may want to stop reading here. I don’t know where this is going to go until I’m finished and I don’t want to risk tarnishing your very SOUL by reading this.

All my progressive and single friends have told me that faking orgasms is counter productive. That may well be so, but it’s also a means to an end…and that “end” is to hasten the end of very bad sex. They say I should rather invest the time I spend faking in telling my mate what I like, what I don’t like, etc.

I tell you what I’d like: My ultimate dream would be to go back to the 1990’s when I was a sexuality active (but by NO MEANS promiscuous) teen so that I could counsel myself.

“Malaka,” I would say. “If you find yourself in bed and the sex is wack, look the bloke in the eye, tell him that the sex is wack, get up and go take a shower.”

That would be awesome.

One of my ex-boyfriends used to describe me as “anti-orgasmic”. It’s not so much that I was against orgasms as it was that I could not achieve them. The inability to do so was the result of two things: Guilt (because as a teenager I had no good reason for indulging in activity that could result in pregnancy) and climate/environment (it was just too hot and no fun “making love”…if you could call it that… in your boyfriend’s mother’s study). If you add to this scenario an overly aggressive, overly eager teenage boy, you have the true recipe for a sexual fiasco. However, being the “good” girlfriend, I would dutifully moan as though in the throes of ecstasy, shudder, and wait to be set free. Ugh.

In retrospect, I might go back and tell my teenage self to “just save it for marriage.” Activity without productivity is not worth the effort and the emotional baggage.

Have things changed today, now that I able to have guilt-free sex, as a woman locked into the institution of marriage. Nope! Not really. Here’s why:

Wake up at 3:45 am to nurse baby
This process takes 30 mins

I am AWAKE

Drift off to sleep at 6:45 and am awoken by Pre-schooler at 7 am
Time to shower and drop her off at school

Get back home and 3 year old wants breakfast
Fix breakfast, play games, teach alphabets and numbers.

Breastfeed.

Get on FB to say a quick “Wuzzup!”, try to read the news
and scramble for clients to fill orders for.

3 year old wants lunch
Prepare lunch, play, scream “Don’t touch that!” Don’t do that!”

Breastfeed.

Coax infant to sleep (this takes 15 minutes)
Try to find something to eat for myself
Fend off 3 year old from my meal.

Leave to pick up Pre-schooler at 2:30
Listen to whining and fighting all the way home.
Infant wakes up and screams because siblings are screaming
Get home, get snacks, get sweat off my forehead.
Put a load of laundry in.

Breastfeed.

House is a wreck with crumbs, paper, crayons.
Scream “Pick that up!” “Help your sister!” “Don’t put that in your MOUTH!!”
Clean house, go back to the internet to try and find some clients and resumes.
Must also write article for MaizeBreak…with no inspiration.

Change diaper AND breastfeed.

Hubby comes home, knackered from a day in his air-conditioned sharing jokes
with his co-workers at the water cooler.
Fortunately, he prepares dinner.

Go upstairs and pass out.
Kids come upstairs screaming with laughter (or anger)
Jump on my bed.
I loose it.
“Get out!!!”
Hubby brings baby upstairs.
“He needs to feed.”

Breastfeed.

11:30 pm
Hubby climbs into bed, rubs back and asks how day was, blah, blah, blah.
Assume obligatory position
Moan and shudder (only now I’ve learned how to tense muscles to simulate an orgasm. Aha!!!)
Roll over and GO TO SLEEP.

I give instructions to people all day. Do you think I want to further instruct a man in bed? My nipples are sore from suckling every 2 hours…how would you then think they would bring me any pleasure if YOU touched them again??! Yes, I fake my orgasms. Many times, I’d rather spend my time eating or shopping for shoes…the two things that only truly bring me pleasure.