It’s Open Toquing Season!

April Toque: A cruel game played only by the Gyekye siblings. Simply put, it’s April Fool’s day on steroids.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!!!! April Toque! I got you!!

Man.  I’ve had calls (some from Ghana AND England), texts, inbox messages on Facebook all asking WHY I’m shutting down M.O.M. (For the record, I’m not.)

*Gasping and Snickering!* Oh gawd, this is hilarious. I’m sorry Readers; but I had to do it. It’s the “God in me” you see.

 “April Toque” is a series of unfortunate, cruel and ridiculous imaginary events that my brother and sister and I impose on one another every year. The premise is that we play on each other’s worst nightmares and try to make the other person believe that they’ve come true. The reason? Each of us is on guard and personal high alert on April 1st, so pranking one another is virtually impossible.

Here’s how a typical toquing plays out:

3:14 am, Sunday morning. The phone rings:

“Hello?”

“Malaka?”

“Yes?”

It’s my sister. She’s sobbing uncontrollably.

“Adj? Adj! What’s wrong?”

“I-I’ve just been robbed. I’m hiding in the closet. I think they’re still out there…but I’m not sure.”

“Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus! Have you called the cops?”

“No…my phone only has one bar left. Please help me…please come!”

I jump out of bed, my heart racing and breasts flopping wildly as I fumble to find clothes in the darkness, equally blinded by the sleep lodged firmly in the corners of my half closed eyes. The commotion I’m causing in my panicked state causes my sister to guffaw.

“What are you laughing at?” I whisper harshly.

“Malaka? April Tooooque!!!” she laughs wickedly. “There’s no one here. Go back to sleep nigga.”

She hangs up the phone abruptly, leaving me seething and vowing to get her back. Eventually I do; generally by taking my revenge WAY over the line.

April Toque does not come without consequences, however. Some of them are very severe in fact. The first year we began toquing – 6 years ago- I started the phenomenon by photocopying and altering an ultrasound at a Kodak Kiosk. I called my sister weeping and begged her to come over to my house, which of course, she did. I produced the “ultrasound”, complete with my name and date that the procedure was performed, telling her that I was going to be a mother out of wedlock.

“Daddy’s going to kill me,” I sobbed, real tears and snot racing down my face. She bought it, but with some skepticism.

“Don’t worry,” she consoled me, “I’ll help you!”

As she drove away in her car, I called her on her cell phone, cackling maniacally.

“April Toque!”

One month later, I actually did end up pregnant out of wedlock. #DoucheBag

So Readers, you’ve now just had a taste of our Gyekye brand humor, the inspiration for M.O.M. And like family, I know you’ll forgive me 🙂

  • sangima

    Twseeeeee (sucking my teeth) – nonsense

  • Oh, you are toast!
    What’s your mailing address?????
    I got SOMETHING for YOU!

    • Nuh. No cut off fish heads showing up at MY door Ms. Lady. No ma’am!

  • Khadija

    I second sangima. Do you know since I’ve read that you were not going to be blogging anymore I thought well how will we hear about your adventures in South Africa. And I was really sad that I wouldn’t get my daily dose of laughing so hard I fart and my neighbors thinks I’m mad with laughter each day.

    • Wow…till you fart huh? That’s not something I would share online.
      Not something I would share at all. 😉