Spousal Stimulation does not Always Equal Arousal

Have you ever been in the middle of doing something strange, bizarre and flat out WRONG with your spouse and paused to ask yourself “Is another couple somewhere in the world doing this exact same thing??”  You have? Me too!

Remember when you were standing at the altar, and the pastor sold you both on “his body belongs to you and vice versa?” I took that to heart. HOWEVER, when I consider the things that my husband and I do to and for each other, I often harken back to the days of my single/dating life and am reminded that these are things that I would NEVER do with someone whom I was merely dating. Let’s face it: there are things married folks do that people in casual relationships would never even permit, even as a passing thought.  The bonds of matrimony are (supposed to be) that strong.

For fits and giggles, I’ve compiled a list of these that I may, or may not, be guilty of – I’m not saying.

  1. Kissing your spouse in the mouth first thing in the morning without brushing your teeth.
  2. Taking a dump in the same room while your spouse brushes his/her teeth.
  3. Picking your spouse’s pimples and blackheads. (I admit, I happily did this when any guy I was dating would allow me to. Nothing makes my day like hearing a pimple go *squish!*)
  4. Shaving each other’s pubic hairs
  5. Cleaning up your spouse’s poo if he/she was too sick to get to the toilet immediately.
  6. Cleaning up your spouse’s puke if he/she got carsick after a long trip.
  7. Calling from the checkout line to ask if the “absorbency on these sanitary towels are the right level”.
  8. Asking if the other party has gum, and being responded to with a partially chewed piece from the other person’s mouth.
  9. Lying in bed playing the “make a new sentence with the last word of my sentence” game. (This is actually really fun!)
  10. Farting in the middle of a heated conversation and carrying on like it never happened while the other person stares in disbelief before eventually fleeing the scene of the stink.
  11. Scratching your butt, waving your fingers in your husband’s face and asking him if it smells like chocolate and/or roses.
  12. Fighting over who gets to hide from the children in the attic.

Similarly, there are things that dating couples do that I would never consent to in my marriage. If presented with the proposal to pursue any of these, my personal response generally defaults to “I/it/we don’t belong there.”

Married people, did I miss anything on the list? What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve found and your husband/wife doing recently? Have you had to stop and ask yourself how you ever came to this point in your human experience? Go ahead and tell. Here’s a pre-emptive *ha ha ha!!* so that you know you’re being laughed at already.