Did This Woman Just Challenge me to a Duel?

So I mentioned an Oreo cakester one or two times on my blog. So I like chocolate and cake, and like them even better when the two are combined in a conveniently wrapped sheath of foil. That doesn’t give some woman, who resides in the back woods of Merrie Olde England the right to remove her leather gloves, fold them in half, smite me upon each cheek and challenge me to a duel!

Misty H., one of my blogging buddies, sent me a private message on Facebook not too long ago. I can’t recall everything it said, but there was a bit in there about losing 15 pounds by Christmas day, a ransom and a challenge to either defeat her or run away with my tail tucked between my fat thighs.

MY fat thighs? Now that’s what we call fightin’ words here in America!

Misty then went on advise me to break out my Spandex if I were brave enough to accept her challenge. Well I got news for YOU Misty. I don’t WEAR Spandex. It reacts badly with my PH and makes me smell like cat piss. I only wear 100% cotton. It’s breathable and super absorbent!

I have never backed down when the gauntlet has been thrown at my feet. Not even that time when I had that bet Cory, my team lead, that I could go for 2 weeks on a raw food diet. Oh God that was just disgusting. Have you ever eaten a raw potato? It’s degrading. What was worse was that I couldn’t even cheat at home, because he has mysteriously enlisted my husband’s help. Marshall…that SNITCH. In the end I lost, and was forced to wear a neon “L” that Cory happily painted on my forehead with acrylic paint. Guess who had to bring in the paint to facilitate her punishment?

Yeah. You got it.

I don’t know what it is with me and a challenge. Like I said, I never back down – but I also never win. I mean NEVER.

This time, things will be different. I am SURE of it. I have enlisted the help of another blogging buddy, whose body is SLAMMING and running on all cylinders at all times. In order to get that body, she runs 800 miles a day and sustains herself on a diet of tortilla chips and green goo. I want the recipe to that green goo.

Retta of Run Retta Run is working on a magic formula to help me achieve my victory. My Vietnamese cohort is going to plug my height, age and weight (which when combined sadly totaled 315) into her Awesome Asian calculator and send me the formula to success any day now. Aaaany day now. Granted, I sent her these requested stats over 4 days ago and have heard nothing back as yet, but I believe she will send me the Crabby Patty formula for thin thighs any day now. Retta, if you’re reading this, that’s a hint to get on it daggonit!

In the interim, I’m walking 3-4 miles a day, watching what I eat, and am doing leg lifts whenever I think about the phrase “your tail between your fat thighs.” I mean, who says that to another woman? Are those not fighting words??

If you’ve been wondering why there has been such a gap in my blogs, it’s because I’m devoid of inspiration and delirious from hunger. How can I be expected to entertain and amuse when I’m hungry? It’s little wonder Kierra Knightly has chosen the genre of drama over comedy. All she has to do is look into the camera and talk. There’s no strength to emit emotion when you’re famished! It’s far easier to scowl than smile when you’re muscles are competing for scarce nutrients. Have you ever seen a starving Ethiopian baby smile?

No.

No you have not.  

Good God I want a Cakester. Is there a healthy chocolate alternative out there? Somebody save me! I would take a picture of my ravaged face, but I’m too weak to hold up the camera….Perhaps if I used my thighs to leverage it?

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7 thoughts on “Did This Woman Just Challenge me to a Duel?

  1. Misty Harris

    You are not the only one suffering! I have walked about 2 miles daily to beat you out of your fat pants! I have awakened each morning feeling weak and hungry! I am facing a monster I have never defeated before and I’m telling you it is nearly impossible!
    Today was so rough that I only ate 1 1/2 doughnuts!
    I WILL WIN!!

  2. Malaka Post author

    I SHALL vanquish you, my Ireland to Scotland county hopping foe! I only ate 2 oatmeal cookies today, and did 50 leg lifts to work them off! Ohhh, you don’t know who you were messing with when you messing with when you initiated this challenge. Want to up the ante? How about posting before and after pictures? Or are you too fat and SCARED to try it?? Are you sitting in your little tight sweat pants, quivering at the thought?

    Yeah, I bet you are. Munch on dough girl. Munch on!

  3. nas009

    Hahahaha. MASI I have laughed so hard whilst reading this post. Eish! Your friend doesn’t play kraa. Tail between your fat thighs paa. Tchewww. You shall show her. You shall put pepper in her eyes 🙂

  4. Misty

    Is that what you call a reply?
    My gloves are in my hand, and aimed at your fluffy cheeks!

    (Now repeat the rest in your most dignified French voice.)
    You are just flapping your words around like your fat thighs! You are just offended by the mere fact that your track record is pitiful and your will power is nonexistent!
    You have already failed. Just call it quits!
    Now go, run to the kitchen and comfort yourself with your Oreo Cakester!

  5. Malaka Post author

    Huh? Was somebody speaking to me?

    I keep hearing this annoying BUZZ like a retarded fly swooping in and out of my kitchen…Oh well. Let me just hit the ‘ignore’ button. I got some running to do, unlike other people who are scripting whole dissertations about NUTHIN’ when they need to be OUTSIDE working out!

  6. A

    wow. just, wow. misty and malaka u 2 r a riot and i cant wait to see the end of this epic battle. ladies, u dont have to starve yourselves to get thin; fruits, veggies and whole grains are good for helping you guys on your weight loss journey. good luck to u both; i see no losers in this if you both lose weight!

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