I consider myself a woman of average intelligence, so I am a bit perplexed that I spent the entire night pondering the question posed by this brother. These are the sentiments shared online that cause me no shortage of gratitude to no longer be counted among the dating population.
The question posed is “what expectations do sisters have of themselves” after having been invited on a date by a man. He wants to know what the man can expect in return for paying for dinner (that he invited you to), pulling out your chair at said dinner (that he invited you to) and opening doors. On average, a man can expect to open two doors while out on a date with a woman: the passenger side door and the restaurant door. This is where I get stuck. The asker sincerely wants to know what a man can expect in return for that level of physical exertion. I believe a “thank you” will suffice. Am I wrong?
The prosaic nature of this line of questioning is an attempt at profundity that it does not deserve. At the end of the rabbit trail, this individual wants to know if $20 and some opened doors is enough to earn sex. Yes, I saw the part where he said “other than intimacy”. I’m assuming this is a “conscious” brother who would NEVER suggest a woman prostitute herself for the benefit of a date. But yeah, sex…or some variation of it.
Having been out of the dating pool for so long, this query made no sense to me. However, I recognize that I DO need to understand exactly what this type of man is getting at so that I can arm my daughters – who are fast approaching dating age – appropriately. My expectation of myself as a woman who has been asked on and ultimately accepted a date is to fully engage in the activities required of the date. If were are to assume that there is mutual interest between the two parties, that should be more than enough.
For instance: if a man invites a woman to go jet skiing, the only expectations she need set for herself are to bring a swimming suit and a readiness to get her hair wet. If she has a phobia of open water, she can set expectations to inform him of that. If a man invites a woman to a hotel to spend the night, she can expect to go to sleep. Inviting a woman to a hotel does not translate into expectations of sex. Inviting a woman to have sex will encourage her to prepare to have sex. Failing to do so is how we end up with cat and vulture games where women feel pressured and “used” and men conjure insipid questions like “what expectations does a sister have for herself” instead of just being honest about his desire to get his cock wet.
There is nothing else here at play. If a woman’s conversation, her wit, her observations, her sense of style, her physical presence and the way she carries herself in public and her willingness to share all of the above with you in a cordial or semi-romantic situation are not enough of a return on any “investment” a man may have made, then all there is left is a desire for sex. Or prayer. Maybe this dude wants prayer…which would be admirable, rare and highly unlikely.
A gentleman does not look for anything in return for being a gentleman. The act of opening doors and pulling out chairs are acts of kindness and consideration. They indicate that a man has been brought up to think of others before himself. They are not bitcoins for which you can cash in and redeem coitus or fellatio or whatever your fancy is at the end of the evening. They are not even a guarantee that there will be a second or third date. Believe it or not, there are some women who do not want to be treated well, in the sense that we think of. They want to be taken to bars wherein the floor is blanketed with peanuts and the bathrooms stink of urine. They want to open beer bottles with their teeth and arm wrestle with you. If you have a problem opening doors for your date, perhaps this is where your quarry lays…not in fragrant coffee shops or sumptuous art galleries.
In either case, neither the man nor the woman can expect her to be anything other than what she is or do anything outside of her nature. The point of the date is to learn more about her nature, isn’t it? And let’s be completely honest: the average man isn’t looking for “equity” in his relationship. He doesn’t want to wear an engagement ring nor does he want to answer the uncomfortable question of whether to take a potential spouse’s surname at the altar. He doesn’t want to be saddled with housework or have to give up his career because their coupling resulted in the birth of one (or four) babies. The average man is just looking forward to getting to third base with the chick on the other side of the dinner table after he’s dropped three hours’ worth of wages in chicken wings at Applebee’s.
Are chicken wings tradeable commodities on the dating stock exchange?
Tell me why I’m wrong. Tell me why this man’s question was an honest and sincere one and why I’ve read too deeply into it. You can’t hear me, but I’m begging you.